Russ Carney of America

“I look you dead in the eye,
Then I spit.
I tell you to your face,
Punk, you ain’t shit!’”
- Eazy-E / Two Hard Muthas

“I do defy him,
And I spit at him;
Call him a slanderous coward
And a villain!”
- William Shakespeare / King Richard II

I wish I could remember the name of the person who first brought this bizarre parallel to my attention, but I can’t. However, I first learned of it circa 1996, so I’ve been aware of it for at least a decade and a half, and I’ve always appreciated the intellect that was able to bring these two circles together in this weird hip-hop/literature Venn diagram. Thanks, stranger! And honestly, if you’re looking for something to punch up your cardio workout, I’m gonna suggest you go with Eazy-E. If you’re looking for something to make your hips and/or brain bigger, go with Shakespeare.

[c] 2012 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: art history, eazy e, gangsta rap, hip-hop, history, literature, nwa, poetry, prose, rap, rhymes, shakespear, shakspear, william shakespeare. | #

Oh for fuck’s sake, when someone asks you, “Hey man, how ya doin’?!” would you *pleeeease* stop sighing and whining about how BLEHHH you are?

When someone asks you how you’re doing, in that fraction of a second that it takes you to think of which one of your bullshit woes you want to complain about, you should … Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: concerns, contrived, etiquette, faux pas, feigning, high society, how are you, interest, social blunders, society, well-being, wellbeing. | #

8)
Winter’s coming, and you know what that means, don’t you genius? It means that it’s gonna get cold. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself for not having known that winter = cold.

This year, instead of being a Greedy Gus** and wasting precious coal and gas and oil and electricity to heat your ridiculously huge McMansion or whatever tiny shithole you live in, why not just suck it up and … Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Green Earth Tips | tags: chilly, conservation, diet, energy, fat, Green Earth Tips, green energy, mother earth, obesity, shivering, snow, weight loss, winter. | #

Instead of hurrying up with her purchase so that *I* could be helped with my purchase of bullets, because I’m all about ME ME ME and was in a real rush to get my hollow-point ammunition, a petite, dotty older lady at the gun store told the clerk a rambling story about how she’s … Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: bunker, elderly, emergency, freemason, gun nuts, guns, illuminati, islam, mason, mayan doomsday, muslim, obama, presidents, republicans, stockpile, the president. | #

This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s enough of a brainer that I’ve seen hundreds of people fucking this up time and again over the course of my short, but rich life.

If you have a big plan for the future, immediate or otherwise, shut the fuck up about about your big plan until your plan is in some phase of action. And I’m not talking about a phase of action that begins with the word … Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Russ of America's Rules of Order | tags: action, braggadocio, dreams, future, homosexuality, life changes, planning, Russ of America's Rules of Order, sales, sucking dicks. | #

Mark my words: The journey to beauty begins with a complete waste of my motherfucking time.

Here’s a link to the video, should you actually wish to make one of these. :D

[c] 2011 Russ of America

1 Comment | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: ball, complication, hobbies, magic, origami, stress. | #

Now that some fast food chains have begun to post nutritional info on their menus, I’ve noticed that I’ve been making different, healthier choices. When I go to Subway, for example, I don’t get the tuna anymore, because it’s easily got TWICE the calories of a turkey breast sandwich. WHAT THE LIVING SHIT, TUNA?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND! IT’S THAT GODDAMNED JERK MAYONNAISE YOU’RE ALWAYS HANGING OUT WITH!

As other fast food venues deliver nutritional facts, or as I like to call it “harsh reality” to their customers, I believe we’ll eventually find that we ALL make better choices. And when that happens, those emergency visits to McDonald’s will be like taking steps down a nutritional walk of shame.

“Uh, Hi. Yeah. Gimme a Super-Tiny tap water. No ice.”
“Okay, so you want a Super-Tiny tap water, no ice. Would you like a saltine with that?”
“OH DEAR FUCKING CHRIST NO!”
“That’ll be zero dollars at the second window.”
“Thank yooooooou.

[c] 2011 Russ of America

1 Comment | In: Russ of America On: | tags: calories, corporate giants, diet, disclosure, drive-thru, exercise, food, golden arches, government, health, junk food, mcdonald's, mickey d's, nutrition. | #

“But mummy, which one’s *my* hat?”
“It’s the one with your name on it, love.”
“Wot?”
“It’s the one with your name on it.”
“Then is my name Peterbilt?”
“No dear, it’s Beatrice!”
“Then is my name Heineken or Green Day?”
“No dear, it’s Beatrice!”
“Then is my name Von Dutch or San Diego Padres?”
“No dear, it’s Beatrice!”
“Well then which one’s *my* hat, mummy?!” <stamps foot>
“<sigh> Just take the ugliest fucking hat, princess.”

We’re !!

[c] 2011 Russ of America
Image stolen from HuffingtonPost.com

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: beatrice duchess of gums and teeth, beatrice elizabeth mary of york, beatrice windsor, hat, hats, princess bea, princess beatrice. | #

It is an affront to reason that an illegal immigrant can’t earn citizenship in the United States by serving honorably in our nation’s military. The DREAM Act suggested 2 years, but I propose a full 4 years. That should be the fast-track to citizenship! And I’m not talkin’ ’bout a romantic sunset beach patrol at Point Mugu, I’m talking about … Click Here to Read On! …

2 Comments | In: Russ of America On: | tags: arabic, cinco de mayo, citizenship, dream act, elvis presley, fighting, illegal immigration, illegals, islam, right to party, social security, terror, undocumented citizens, war. | #

When I walk down the street late at night, which is quite frequently, I often spy someone walking towards me just a few dozen yards away. Usually that person will cross the street to avoid walking past me on that dark street. I can understand why they do that, because it’s scary at night and the news says that you can’t trust a stranger, and I’m definitely a stranger, but that fearful attitude really pisses me off! So I’ll cross the street at the same time they do, just so we’re still walking toward each other again. This makes them uncomfortable, so they’ll turn around and walk in the other direction. But that just encourages me to walk faster so I can catch up with that person! Silly-billy! I mean, hey, you’re an interesting person, right? And you’re walking away from me? That’s weird. Anyway, I’ll cough in an obvious way just to get their attention, so they know that I’m behind them and closing in.

I can usually tell when it’ll happen because I’ll see his or her head turn around and look at me with a touch of concern, but within a few tense moments of my arrival, the person will … Click Here to Read On! …

4 Comments | In: Russ of America On: | tags: barnes and noble, cardio, creatures, crime, exercise, jogging, night, strangers, tickling. | #

This Thanksgiving I’m very grateful for teeth, specifically my teeth. Nothing’s wrong with my teeth. They’re all still there, I just think you have to appreciate the things you have BEFORE you lose them, like your teeth. Otherwise you’re just another one of those people who whine about their crappy life and their stupid missing teeth.

SOPHIE: “<sob sob>”
ME: “Aw man, Sophie’s crying again. I bet it’s about her fucking missing teeth again!”
YOU: “Hi Sophie…”
SOPHIE: “Hey everybody. I’m grateful that I used to have teeth. I miss all the fun stuff I could do with them. ”
YOU: “Oh, that’s sweet of you to reminisce about your teeth.”
ME: “Yeah, that’s rich. Could you please pass the corncobs and candied apples?”
SOPHIE: “I DON’T HAVE TEETH ANYMORE!!!”
ME: “Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river, princess.
YOU: “Hey man, that’s uncalled for! She doesn’t have teeth!”
ME: “Look, nobody wants to hear her selfish bullshit around the sacred Thanksgiving bird.”
SOPHIE: “<sobbing into the sweet potatoes>”
ME: “And stop crying into the fuckin’ sweet potatoes!”
SOPHIE: “They’re yams!”
ME: “No, they’re fuckin’ sweet potatoes! Look it up! If you had any fuckin’ teeth, you could at least do that much!!”

Happy Thanksgiving!

[c] 2010 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Russ of America On: | tags: dentistry, gratitude, teeth, thanksgiving, whining. | #

If I had a time machine, I’d change my name to Chevy Chase. Then I’d travel back in time to a 1970s taping of Saturday Night Live. And when the news updates began, and Chevy Chase quipped, “I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not” I’d leap to my feet and scream at the top of my lungs, “You wanna bet, Chevy Chase?! I *am* Chevy Chase!” And I’d run onto the set with my ID and I’d show him. And he’d sit there looking all flummoxed and embarrassed because he was wrong, and then the crowd would applaud and cheer “Bravo!” and I’d be a hero, immortalized forever in the annals of television’s most awesome events!

Then I’d travel back to now, and change this blog post to read, “Remember when I time-traveled to the ’70s and made Chevy Chase my bitch?”

[c] 2010 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: accolades, chevy chase, saturday night live, time machines, time travel. | #

When I lived in Echo Park, the Jehovah’s Witnesses would knock on my door every few months on a Saturday morning at 10:30 on the dot. Doesn’t matter what month they showed up, they ALWAYS knocked on my door at 10:30am on the dot, and always on a Saturday. I used to suspect that their canvassing of the neighborhood started at *my* house, on their assumption *I* was the one most in need of help in my neighborhood. Occasionally as a child I had to sell chocolate bars, jewelry, and kaymak door-to-door, so I’m a smidgen sensitive to their plight. And it’s gotta be a rough gig to be rejected 99% of the time, so as a rule I try to be courteous to them, even though I’m not interested in their dogma and I’m eager to get back to whatever sinful thing I was doing just before they interrupted me. I would also try to be polite when the Mormons came by. The Mormons didn’t come by as often as the Jehovah’s Witnesses did, but the Mormons did make an occasional appearance. When either group would knock at my door, I’d usually say something like, … Click Here to Read On! …

8 Comments | In: Russ of America On: | tags: buses, dogma, echo park, ideology, jehovah's witnesses, jesus, kaymak, mormons, proselytizers, public transportation, religion. | #

Did you ever pass out, then wake up an hour later, realize that you left a load of laundry in the washing machine and that you’ve gotta wait another hour for the dryer to finish drying the clothes because you don’t want wrinkles, so you have to stay up while the dryer dries so you don’t forget to get it, and then you pass out again and wake up at 5 in the morning and go out to the dryer and your clothes are dry and totally cold and you stuff them into a bag and get them back to your house and dump them on the couch and haphazardly spread them out so they don’t wrinkle, but it’s too fucking late because your clothes are totally wrinkled and you’re tired and ready to pass out but you know you’ll never get a good night’s sleep because of all that laundry shit and all the other stress in your life but on top of it your clothes are wrinkled too?! Yeah, that happened to me again tonight.

[c] 2010 Russ of America

3 Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: deprivation, dryer, laundry, passing out, sleep, unconsciousness, washer. | #

I attended my Bebbeboo’s nephew’s Tee-Ball game a few weeks ago. The team was comprised of kids 4-7yrs old. I don’t know how to describe the experience other than as “frustrating hilarity”.

One tee-ball kid was OCDing over a patch of dirt. I’m pretty sure that he was sorting pebbles alphabetically. Every time my eyes would check up on him, it was obvious that he had zero interest in the game that was going on around him. His dispassion fueled lengthy debates about his commitment to the sport and triggered arguments speculating as to his ability to perform the sport. At some point, because of his intent gaze and furious digging, I became certain that he … Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: baseball, children, competition, infants, kids, nachos, nes, nintendo, parenting, parents, sports, tee ball. | #