Russ Carney of America

John Travolta is in a new movie called From Paris With Love and he plays a tough guy or something. “A WHAT?! John Travolta as a tough guy?”
I guess. I dunno.

But it’s kinda difficult to accept him as a bad-ass when he looks like a cross between hairstylist Paul Mitchell and toilet-scrubbing Mr. Clean. He’s even got a hoop earring just like Mr. Clean! A middle-aged John Travolta’s gonna come to your house and clean your toilet — with a bazooka! Oohsoscared!

People like myself, who have plenty of time to speculate on unimportant things, wonder if the bald look is going to become his new look for a while, and if he is abandoning the much mocked hair plugs or wig that he’s been wearing for a few years. Then again, I really don’t care to invest too much thought in John Travolta’s hairline, so I must politely excuse myself now.

[c] 2010 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: from paris with love, hair stylist, John Paul DeJoria, john travolta, kojak, movie, mr clean, paul mitchell, yul brynner. | #

The entity known as The State of California is nuts. They’re mad at me because, I guess, in 2008 I didn’t declare my tax refund as income. I’m not sure how it qualifies as income. I didn’t have to work for it. I didn’t have to hustle or fight for it. I just typed in some numbers and they sent me a bunch of money. That qualifies as income? How do I do it again? Is there a website I can go to where I can keep typing in numbers and the State of California will send me more income? I don’t mind. It took me about an hour to file my taxes and they sent me a cool thousand bucks. I’d DEFINITELY do that again.

I call The State of California nuts because … Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: california, finance, finances, government, money, taxation, taxes. | #

[c] 2009 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: coco, coco de mer, ice t, nicole austin, sea coconut, tracy marrow. | #

I don’t understand this tip-your-mailman-at-Christmas shit.

The mailman never brings me any good news; He only brings me garbage and bills. Sometimes he brings me the latest information about local savings on fresh chicken thighs, but that’s hardly his fault.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t shoot the messenger. So I won’t! I will NOT shoot the mailman. But if you can’t SHOOT the messenger, you also shouldn’t have to TIP the messenger.

Anyhow, I have a moral objection to tip any government employee who can’t either get me out of jail or legalize something, and who has a retirement plan and full medical. Maybe I’ll give him some chicken thighs.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: christmas, gratuities, gratuity, mailman, post office, tipping, tips, united states postal service, usps. | #

Recently, former Alaskan Governor and future presidential wannabe Sarah Palin was spotted in Hawaii wearing a 2008 McCain presidential campaign visor with McCain’s name blacked-out. “Incognito,” Palin said, was the look she was going for. Because there’s nothing visually peculiar about a woman with a giant blotch of magic marker on her hat, right? Nothing that would make you do a double-take and ask, “What the fuck does that shit say?” And it’s not like Hawaii has any gift shops where a wealthy famous person could buy a new visor. But she wasn’t dissing John McCain — that’s a fact. When I cross out the names of MY friends, it’s affection. But I’m just sayin’!

Anyhow, I’m not certain Ms. Palin knows what incognito means, so I will take it upon myself to help elucidate through sarcasm, satire and condescending language.

If Palin had completed her first term as Governor of Alaska, it’s conceivable that her undercover state troopers would be super incognito driving this:

… Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: 2012, candidate, disrespect, faux pas, governor, hawaii, incognito, john mccain, law enforcement, mayan doomsday, presidential, project incognito, sarah palin, vacation, visor. | #

Tiger’s got 99 problems, but unlike Jay-Z, women seem to be all 99 of his problems. This is my official acknowledgment of the whole Tiger Woods affair — Excuse me, I meant situation — The whole Tiger Woods affair situation:

“Blah blah Tiger Woods, blah blah, rock star?! Blah blah he think he is? Robert Plant? Blah blah Eazy-E? Blah blah, golf? Are you kidding me? Fuckin’ golf?!”

Tiger’s women troubles seem to have been foretold by a … Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Russ of America On: | tags: 99 problems, affair, brawny, california adventure, disney, disneyland, eazy e, flickr, golf, infidelity, jay z, led zeppelin, monkeyjenn, robert plant, tiger woods. | #

Esteemed television actress Meredith Baxter, who portrayed Elyse Keaton on 1980s hit sit-com Family Ties, recently revealed during a slightly awkward Today Show segment that she is a Lesbian. But for those of us who have been following her IMDB history over the years, this is no new revelation. Why, just looking at the names of some of the projects she’s worked on over the years, it is clear that she has been trying to tell us something for a very long time:

… Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Too Late... | tags: gay, gay rights, lesbian, matt lauer, meredith baxter, meredity baxter birney, the advocate, today show. | #

This post is a derivative, friendly tribute to Garfield Minus Garfield.

Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: akbar and jeff, akbar minus jeff, garfield minus garfield, life in hell, matt groening. | #

 

This Christmas be sure to fight to the death for the most popular toy to hit store shelves:
The Tickle Me Olmos Plush Doll!

Squeeze his tummy and Edward James Olmos will recite all of his most popular movie lines.

Chale homes!

[c] 2009 Russ of America

1 Comment | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: christmas, commercialism, crass commercialism, edward james olmos, elmo, plaza del sesamo, sesame street, tickle me elmo, tickle me olmos, toys. | #

When I was in 7th grade my friends and I made a daily habit of crank-calling people. We’d congregate around the white Panasonic speakerphone and dial local numbers randomly. We’d usually keep it to a few prefixes that we were familiar with. We had a few routines that were fun. I liked to start out the conversation by asking them who THEY were. Which is why, to this day, if a caller begins the call with “Hi, who is this?” I always respond, “I give up.”

[ring ring]
“Hello?”
“Hi, who’s this?”
“This is Dorothy, who is this?” … Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: adults, childhood, crank calls, panasonic, pranks, telephones, telephony. | #

 

(click image for full size)

[c] 2009 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: 4chan, amnesia, anonymous, baking soda, cartoon, comic, comic strip, forgetfulness, forgets, memory loss, potato salad, refrigerator. | #

Snuggies already look like day-glo robes from a freak religious cult. But throw in a couple of overly-enthusiastic white people dancing in the kitchen with lunatic grins and, well, just look at the photo.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

No Comments | In: WTF?! | tags: cults, honkeys, infomercials, race, racism, religion, religious cults, snuggies, stereotypes, white people. | #

Blogging metrics are so important to anyone who tries to make people laugh via blogging. I was fortunate to see a ridiculous exponential jump in hits to my Cleft Deodorant post on November 7th. All of the hits came from StumbleUpon, though I’m unsure why it jumped so quickly. It was deliciously insane! While the status quo has been resumed, I hope that the visitors come back and find something else amusing after checking out my #1 Favorite Posts. Thanks for visiting!

With love,
RCoA

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: blogging, graphs, metrics, statistics, stumble, stumbleupon, stumbling, visitors. | #

Ah, Halloween! As far as I’m concerned, it’s the purest of all the holidays, because it doesn’t matter who you are or what god you believe in; If you’re a kid and you’re dressed up real cute in Halloween gear, you’re gonna get some candy. It’s the only time of year when people really DO give without any expectation of something in return, whether it be cranberry sauce, pastel candies, flowers or gifts. But, like most other holidays, there is a heavy commercial presence. Costumes are store-bought and many are licensed from comic books, movies and books as you will see below. I wanted to help celebrate the awesome joy of Halloween, but I also wanted to protect the identities of the children involved and avoid any legal hassles from sharpshooter corporate legal teams. So I’m redacting the faces of the kids as well as all trademarked logos and images.

Happy Halloween!

Awww! The kid on the far right is hilarious with his goofy smile. He’s not wearing his mask, which could be problematic for this crime-fighting arachnid, but he really is cute! In the middle is a basketball player for the ********* *********. Going by the large 23 on his jersey he’s obviously ****** *****. I have no idea who the kid on the left is supposed to be. I’ve redacted the back of her head because certain characteristics could cause her to be identified.

… Click Here to Read On! …

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: angels, batman, censorship, children, cleveland cavaliers, costumes, dark knight, disney, dolls, fairies, halloween, heavily redacted, iron man, lebron james, ninjas, princesses, safety, spider-man, stage moms, vampires. | #

Happy 40th birthday, Internet!

For all you technophiles, here is a copy of the first email volley ever written. These five email messages were hacked out in 1971 and sent across the fledgling Arpanet. And while Internet lore suggests that Roy Tomlinson may have been involved, this cannot be proven in a court of law, so we’ll assume that he had nothing to do with these exchanges.

Click to view the large version.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: 1st email, arpanet, birthday, first email, first email volley, first internet message, internet, roy tomlinson, world's first email. | #