First Check Drug Test Kit

The tempest of black fog in your head slowly dissipates and you begin to piece together where you are and what’s been going on.

It’s 2:23am and all the furniture in your apartment has been overturned or moved. Mirrors, family photos and curios you once cherished have all been shattered. Cluttered counters are now naked. There’s a hole in the drywall left behind by the coffee mug you dodged just in time. You’re under the kitchen table.

Gasp! Suddenly you remember your $3000 flatscreen TV! Read more

Albert Einstein Commands You To “Shout At The Devil!”

A few weeks ago I saw an Albert Einstein quotation meme make the rounds on Facebook. And oh, how delightfully profound it was!


Everything is energy and that's all there is to it.  Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality.  It can be no other way.  This is not philosophy.  This is physics. ~Albert Einstein.

 

Ooh, well, la-di-daaa! Albert Einstein?! Physics, not philosophy?! You mean I was wrong? Shit! Thank you, enlightened Facebook friend for posting that quote!

 

I guess if you can find a super-smart guy saying the thing you already believe, you can really show everybody how stupid they are for not Read more

Fish… Bacon?!


image

 
 

Sorry Philippines, this will never, ever satisfy a bacon craving. Nope. Never, ever. Not even during the obligatory zombie apocalypse.

 

[c] 2012 Russ of America

 

Sofahenge!

image

 

On your last day at work, you’re allowed to try out some those great ideas you had all year long.

 

No one knows how Sofahenge was built. Some suspect the intervention of the great wizard Merlin, some believe the Druids constructed elaborate ramps and levers to raise this mysterious structure. Yet a small, but growing faction believe it was the work of one man, who happened to be insanely strong for his height, age, and occupation.

 
 

[c] 2012 Russ of America  

 

Not The Best Brekkie Burrito Ever

image

 

I asked for a breakfast burrito with salchicha (sausage,) and got this evil, monkey-like monstrosity with hot dogs.

 

Why do they even *have* hot dogs at a Mexican restaurant?

 

And why did I eat the entire thing?

 

Shame on everybody involved!

 
 

[c] 2012 Russ of America

 

Eazy-E vs William Shakespeare

“I look you dead in the eye,
Then I spit.
I tell you to your face,
Punk, you ain’t shit!'”
– Eazy-E / Two Hard Muthas

 

“I do defy him,
And I spit at him;
Call him a slanderous coward
And a villain!”
– William Shakespeare / King Richard II

 

I wish I could remember the name of the person who first brought this bizarre parallel to my attention, but I can’t. However, I first learned of it circa 1996, so I’ve been aware of it for at least a decade and a half, and I’ve always appreciated the intellect that was able to bring these two circles together in this weird hip-hop/literature Venn diagram. Thanks, stranger! And honestly, if you’re looking for something to punch up your cardio workout, I’m gonna suggest you go with Eazy-E. If you’re looking for something to make your hips and/or brain bigger, go with Shakespeare.

 



 

 

[c] 2012 Russ of America

 

Sigh… I’m Doing Okay, I Guess…

Oh for fuck’s sake, when someone asks you, “Hey man, how ya doin’?!” would you *pleeeease* stop sighing and whining about how BLEHHH you are?

 

When someone asks you how you’re doing, in that fraction of a second that it takes you to think of which one of your bullshit woes you want to complain about, you should Read more

Green Earth Tip #8

8)
Winter’s coming, and you know what that means, don’t you genius? It means that it’s gonna get cold. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself for not having known that winter = cold.

 

This year, instead of being a Greedy Gus** and wasting precious coal and gas and oil and electricity to heat your ridiculously huge McMansion or whatever tiny shithole you live in, why not just suck it up and Read more

The Old Lady At The Gun Store

Instead of hurrying up with her purchase so that *I* could be helped with my purchase of bullets, because I’m all about ME ME ME and was in a real rush to get my hollow-point ammunition, a petite, dotty older lady at the gun store told the clerk a rambling story about how she’s Read more

Life Pro-Tip: Shut Your Trap, Jackass Dreamer!

This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s enough of a brainer that I’ve seen hundreds of people fucking this up time and again over the course of my short, but rich life.

 

If you have a big plan for the future, immediate or otherwise, shut the fuck up about about your big plan until your plan is in some phase of action. And I’m not talking about a phase of action that begins with the word Read more

How To Make An Origami Magic Ball

 

 

Mark my words: The journey to beauty begins with a complete waste of my motherfucking time.

 

 

Here’s a link to the video, should you actually wish to make one of these. :D

 

 

[c] 2011 Russ of America

 

McDonald’s 2011

Now that some fast food chains have begun to post nutritional info on their menus, I’ve noticed that I’ve been making different, healthier choices. When I go to Subway, for example, I don’t get the tuna anymore, because it’s easily got TWICE the calories of a turkey breast sandwich. WHAT THE LIVING SHIT, TUNA?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND! IT’S THAT GODDAMNED JERK MAYONNAISE YOU’RE ALWAYS HANGING OUT WITH!

 

As other fast food venues deliver nutritional facts, or as I like to call it “harsh reality” to their customers, I believe we’ll eventually find that we ALL make better choices. And when that happens, those emergency visits to McDonald’s will be like taking steps down a nutritional walk of shame.

    “Uh, Hi. Yeah. Gimme a Super-Tiny tap water. No ice.”
    “Okay, so you want a Super-Tiny tap water, no ice. Would you like a saltine with that?”
    “OH DEAR FUCKING CHRIST NO!”
    “That’ll be zero dollars at the second window.”
    “Thank yooooooou.

[c] 2011 Russ of America

 

Beatrice Likes Her Some Fuckin’ Hats!

Could This Be Beatrice?!

 

 

“But mummy, which one’s *my* hat?”
“It’s the one with your name on it, love.”
“Wot?”
“It’s the one with your name on it.”
“Then is my name Peterbilt?”
“No dear, it’s Beatrice!”
“Then is my name Heineken or Green Day?”
“No dear, it’s Beatrice!”
“Then is my name Von Dutch or San Diego Padres?”
“No dear, it’s Beatrice!”
“Well then which one’s *my* hat, mummy?!” <stamps foot>
“<sigh> Just take the ugliest fucking hat, princess.”

 

 

We’re We're Beatrice! !!

 

 

[c] 2011 Russ of America
Image stolen from HuffingtonPost.com

 

Russ of America On: The Dream Act

It is an affront to reason that an illegal immigrant can’t earn citizenship in the United States by serving honorably in our nation’s military. The DREAM Act suggested 2 years, but I propose a full 4 years. That should be the fast-track to citizenship! And I’m not talkin’ ’bout a romantic sunset beach patrol at Point Mugu, I’m talking about Read more

Awkward Street Crossin’s

When I walk down the street late at night, which is quite frequently, I often spy someone walking towards me just a few dozen yards away. Usually that person will cross the street to avoid walking past me on that dark street. I can understand why they do that, because it’s scary at night and the news says that you can’t trust a stranger, and I’m definitely a stranger, but that fearful attitude really pisses me off! So I’ll cross the street at the same time they do, just so we’re still walking toward each other again. This makes them uncomfortable, so they’ll turn around and walk in the other direction. But that just encourages me to walk faster so I can catch up with that person! Silly-billy! I mean, hey, you’re an interesting person, right? And you’re walking away from me? That’s weird. Anyway, I’ll cough in an obvious way just to get their attention, so they know that I’m behind them and closing in.

 

I can usually tell when it’ll happen because I’ll see his or her head turn around and look at me with a touch of concern, but within a few tense moments of my arrival, the person will Read more