From last night’s company-sanctioned Baccanalia in Santa Barbara:


(These items are measured in heterosexual units [HUs] so “butts” = “girl butts.”)


Total # of butt cheeks pinched or slapped: 30-40
Total # of unique posteriors manipulated: 5
Total # of unique butts that sat in my lap: 3
Total # of drinks consumed: 5.5
Total # of lesbians in my lap: 1
Total # of blondes in my lap: 3
Total # of jokes told: lots
Total # of butts I bit: 1
Total # of satanic t-shirts I wore: 1
Total # of asshole behaviors I may have committed under the influence of alcohol: 0


I have no regrets for this fine night which is unusual for binge drinking.



[c] 2006 Russ of America


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