Holy Water

Can a person steal Holy Water? Does the holiness stop once you steal it, or does it stay holy? Is it on a case-by-case basis? What if there were a legion of vampires (or Goths) outside of your house and you had to do something and fast! You grab a Tupperware and sneak out of your house, racing through your backyard. You hop the cinder block wall into your neighbors yard and dash to the street. There you make a right and haul ass until you get to the neighborhood Catholic church. You pound on the door but nobody answers. You pound and you pound but nobody answers. Your house is swarming with vampires (or Goths,) your children are being attracted to all that black clothing and velvet and you need some fucking Holy Water right away or else!


A religious-type, you cross yourself and ask The Lord to forgive you for what you are going to do. You scurry to the window and kick out one of the panes and you shimmy in. You dash to the Holy Water reservoir and snake yourself a Tupperware of water. You carefully climb back through the window and sprint home.


In the name of The Lord you smite each unholy demon, sending them back to the world of the undead (for Goths: Hot Topic,) and you and your lily-white Christian family live happily for the end of time, or until you die of cancer.



    1) Are you allowed to make ice cubes with Holy Water?


    2) What would happen if you filled a water balloon with Holy Water and then threw it at somebody? Maybe if they were a goblin they’d die. But if they were a Holy Spirit youd be in trouble! Yes?


    3) If someone left a puddle of Holy Water on the stairs and you slipped and fell, would that be God’s will or could your family sue the guy?


    4) Can you store your contact lenses in Holy Water?


    5) If you give yourself an enema, will you take a Holy Shit?



[c] 2006 Russ of America


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