Revive Five!

Five is an art lost to time.




I loved Five.


The act of giving another person five.


Five what?


Five fingers. Nobody does that anymore. Do you remember when we used to give each other Five? I remember it. Five was ALIVE! We were alive with Five!


Now people give each other daps and macho half hugs, but no Five. What happened to Five? Did someone take away Five? Did Bill Cosby say that we had to get rid of Five because it was demeaning to Blacks? Did Jesse Jackson say that Five was against Jesus? Did OJ say that Five killed Nicole Brown?


What happened to Five?


Sometimes an old white guy will make you give him a high five.


“Alright! Gimme High Five, Russ of America!”
“Fuck you and fuck High Five! I want REGULAR Five. Regular brand-name horizontal Five. One for you and then one in return for me. Nothing fancy. No tricks. Five. Traditional, 1970s Pimp Five.”


“Here you go my good sir! Please allow me to impart upon you, five.”
“Five of what?”
“Five of Fingers!”
“Ah, thank you my good man! Five of Fingers for me! I need Five of Fingers! Why, just this morrow I ran right out of Five of Fingers! Thank you my fine chap! I am in receipt of your generous Five and I should be honored to reciprocate your hospitality by returning to you a Special Five from my Private Collection as I am prepared to do this very moment.”


You don’t get that anymore. You just don’t get True Five.


Sometimes I see parents teach their children how to give Five; in many cases before the child learns her ABCs. But the tradition will end with the children and be banished to the textbooks of urban anthropology —


Unless we Revive Five!



[c] 2006 Russ of America



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  1. Ben says:

    Every once and awhile I surprise someone with a classic formula 5. You know what the funny thing is? If you just put that 5 out there, the odds are that the person will 5 back before they realize they did it. You might get a:

    “Woah! We just 5ed! I haven’t done that in years.”
    “And don’t it feel good?”
    “Absotivly Posolutely.”

    5 is always appropriate and never leaves a bad after taste.

  2. The Main Man says:

    Hey man, thanks for your comment. I agree, all you have to do is do it, and people will do it back. I get a lot of flak from people when I tell them that I don’t high-five. They get confused and sometimes a little hurt when I explain that it is a bastard five, but in time they learn to stop offering it to me, and to instead offer me the caviar of five, the taste of which I have long grown accustomed to.

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