Archive for July 2006

Surf and Seizure

In Latin, carpe carp means “seize the carp.”

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America

Motivation

If we don’t want to lose the Internet, all the countries are going to have to be friends.

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America

TWOINGG!!

[c] 2006 Russ of America

 

 

You’re a rubber band.

 

TWOINGG!! You wake up in the morning, take a shower, rush around the house, leave for work, work half the day, eat, work half the day, leave for home, rush around the house, take a shower, go to sleep. TWOINGG!!

 

You’re a rubber band.

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America

Life’s Euphemisms Decoded

He’s indisposed = He’s taking a shit
Morning constitutional = morning shit
She’s an old soul = she’s cantankerous for her age
He’s got a big personality = he’s an asshole
She’s no longer with us = she got fired / she died

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America

The Base Pipe

When I’ve been dating a girl for a while and it develops that she’s been smoking rock cocaine I think that maybe I would really have to think about parting ways with her.

 

I’d think about it, but it’s tough, you know?

 

It’s tough when someone you love starts smoking on the base pipe. The base pipe is the worst pipe. Lead pipe is pretty bad pipe, but base pipe is worst pipe.

 

The Crack Rock ain’t no joke and so I’d probably want to sit her down and talk to her about her problem. I promised my Drug Abuse Resistance Education officer I would at least do that.

 

Boy, isn’t it a bitch the way the world works? It’s just not fair.

 

You finally meet someone who’ll put up with you for more than an hour… And she’s gentle and she’s fun to drink lager with and her sweat tastes like honey… and her flatulence smells like vanilla and she knows how to balance a checkbook.

 

And by the way, she smokes the rock cocaine drugs.

 

I’d really consider talking to her about maybe stopping or else we might have to part ways.

 

“I don’t understand why are you breaking up with me?”
“I think it is important to re-evaluate what’s going on between you and me.”
“What do you mean? Why?”
“It has come to my attention that you’re doing something that I’m not really cool with.”
“What did I do? What am I doing that you’re not cool with?”
“[sigh. . .] I saw you doing something that is against the law.”
“What? Will you please tell me? What am I doing?”
“I saw you smoke the rock.”
“What rock?”
“Whattayathink I’m talking about? Pop Rocks? You’re smoking the rock!!”
“What rock?”
“The goddamn crack cocaine rock! The Base Rock! You ever heard people say, ‘What’s the matter with you? Are you smoking the rock?’ Well, they’re talking about you!! People who smoke the rocks of crack cocaine!
“I don’t understand.”
“Of course you don’t understand – you’re high on the cocaine rocks!”
“Okay, look, in the interest of advancing this dialogue, I will admit to smoking the rocks. But you do illegal things too!”
“Like what?!”
“Speeding. Jaywalking. You cheated on your taxes. . .”
“What the fuck are you — YES! Okay, but I’m not on The Rocks! I’m not freebasing the rock cocaine. Right? The government would prefer that I was fucking around a little bit on my taxes than smoking coca drugs. And jaywalking? Jaywalking doesn’t kill babies! Look, you violated a basic trust mechanism. You violated it. We have an agreement — it’s not a WRITTEN agreement, but it’s an implied social contract that there will be no lying, no cheating, no stealing, hurting or killing… and, you DON’T SMOKE COCAINE!”
“When did you become such a fucking square? You smoked pot for fifteen years.”
“Pot and cocaine are two COMPLETELY different beasts. Fifteen years of pot doesn’t even approach a single four-day binge on The Pipe. Does it? In fifteen years of smoking pot I never once broke into someone’s home in order to feed my habit.”
“It was a garage.”
“What?”
“I didn’t break into a house, I broke into a garage.”
“What the fuck — That’s beside the point. Are you really arguing that there’s a material difference between breaking into a house to steal shit so you can sell it and get high, and breaking into a house?”
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
“It’s the same fucking thing! Look, I’m just saying that by dating you I’d be initiating the beginning of my own downward spiral. Believe me, I wish I could change the rules, but my hands are tied here. Effective immediately this relationship is in dissolution.”

 

Yeah, if my old lady was sucking that glass dick, believe me, buddy, I’d totally have to take a stand, do the healthy thing and sever the cord, you know?

 

But goddammit… she knows how to balance a checkbook.

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America

Venice Beach Guy

Someday I’m going to become one of those wacky character performance art guys at Venice Beach.

 

Why the fuck not?

 

What, I gotta go to grad school for that too?

 

Looks like a lot of fun!

 

“Hey, it’s Rollerskate Guitar Man!”

 

Everybody knows him. Everybody likes him. Who doesn’t like him?

 

Or “Guy Who Walks On Broken Glass.”

 

“Oh yeah! I saw him once!”

 

But me, I’ll take a different approach. I’m gonna be that wacky character performance art guys at Venice Beach who wants to make a difference in the world. I’m the wacky character performance art guy at Venice Beach who loves to make a difference in the world and take on social issues.

 

There’s no fucking doubt about it. I can’t wait.

 

The wacky character performance art guy at Venice Beach who loves to make a difference in the world and take on social issues because if I don’t, then the whole world is fucked!

 

I’m going to be one of those guys, I just know it!

 

I’ll finally let loose and unbridle the beasts of condescension; stake out a nice little area to accost people and inflict my sharp, comedic pain as I peel back the cheap veneer of their particle-board furniture lives.

 

The really hip kids will give me a few bucks and the rest of the dickheads can GO GET FUCKED!!.

 

: D

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America

Culpable

I admit:

 

I feel a little concerned that driving to work every day means that we have to be at war with the Middle East.

 

I won’t lie. I feel a little funny about that.

 

Odd, almost.

 

A tinge culpable.

 

Slight leanings toward responsible.

 

I think I might even be feeling marginally involved.

 

A shame, really. People dying.

 

I drive a Hummer; I’m trying to make a difference.

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America

Baby For Sale

Baby for sale; $24350 obo; 2005 model; runs great, tinted windows; AC; manual trans; lowered; 18″ chrome rims; cd changer w/premium audio; immaculate interior; slight diaper rash. l/m for Kevork — 818-242-48**

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America