Archive for March 2008

Dear Simon (part 2)

From: Russ of America
Sent: Mon 3/31/2008 10:22 PM
To: Simon@[redacted].com
Subject: RE: Copier – Aficio 1060


Dear Simon,


I haven’t complained about anything for a while now, but I wanted to drop you this email so that I could start complaining about the next thing. While I’m not currently experiencing a problem, the last time we had a problem it took you three weeks to do so much as lift your fucking finger to make a phone call and I’d really like to get a jump-start on the next time, if that’s cool with you. Have a good weekend! Oh, it’s still Monday!


Russ of America



[c] 2008 Russ of America


Science deals with facts. Fortunately, I don’t.


The difficult-to-categorize, but extraordinarily brilliant musical group Talking Heads said, “Facts just twist the truth around. Facts are living turned inside-out.” That’s a profound excerpt, I think. As they are have a published opinion on facts, this expert, authoritative citation I’ve quoted is good-enough to support my argument, even if I may have misquoted them or taken their ideas out of context.


I believe in ghosts, UFOs, angels, goblins, sprites, spirits, fairies, poltergeists, leprechauns, chupacabras, space aliens, any kind of loch monster, bigfeet, dragons, children of the corn, the Shining, psychics, necromancy, demonic possession, satanism, witchcraft (light, dark and caramel crunch,) Roman, Greek, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu and Christian gods, The Force, santeria, voodoo, zombies, the occcult, Aleister Crowley, Criss Angel, Teller but not Penn, The Mighty Atom, Hans Christian Anderson, Smurfs, the mythical Soma, Spanish fly, Hulda Clark’s zappicator, the healing power of magnets, homeopathy, hexagonal water, herbal penis enlargement and the legend of menehune.


All of you non-believers need to stop hating on me, you haters. Hatred is bad and it’s totally illegal to hate on me and you are hating with pure hatred streaming out of your hate-filled eyeballs. Why you hating so much, hater? Hatey Haterson. If you don’t believe in any of that stuff you’re just a no-good skeptic and you have no faith. Hater skeptic. You have no faith and I’ll pray for you.



[c] 2008 Russ of America


Yahoo Answers

Q: Do cats have fur?


A: Yes
A: No
A: no
A: nO
A: yes
A: Y
A: n
A: sometimes
A: N
A: Ferrets have fur
A: Y
A: ferrets
A: my aunt does
A: no sir
A: yes please



[c] 2008 Russ of America


When I give a lady a compliment, I like to compliment her on something for which she probably doesn’t get a lot of attention. Women know when they have amazing tits and a gorgeous ass and there’s no need to bring that up unless you can’t find any other nice thing to say about her. That’s pretty rare for a woman, so even if you can compliment her on her choice of fabric for the day, that’s a start. Women appreciate a man who notices the minutia, the small details, and if you want to get anywhere with the fairer sex, you have to demonstrate a heightened awareness; Compliment a woman on the qualities for which she gets the least attention, but be genuine. A woman’s self-esteem diminishes when she reads a compliment as counterfeit, and that defeats the purpose.


Here’s a compliment I recently extended to a pretty mocha honey I ran into at work:

    “Hi, I don’t mean to come off as too forward or anything, but I was hoping to pay you a compliment: Your Social Security Number is very symmetrical.”
    “You noticed!
    “I love how it’s all even numbers and how it increases at the beginning and then decreases at the end. Very sexy.”
    “Thank you!”
    “You’re welcome.”
    “How did you get my Social Security Number?”
    “Personnel files. I knew that there was something special about you and I was determined to find out what it was.”
    “I am entranced by you.”

Women are usually very insecure about their Social Security Numbers, sometimes going to great lengths to keep them out of the hands of strangers, but if you have access to that information, the outcome of her happiness will justify your methodology.


One caveat about telling a woman something nice: While it’s always tempting to follow up your compliment with some awkward pick-up line, NEVER DO THAT. A compliment is a stand-alone gift. You put it out there, she takes it and it’s a done-deal. Women are like dogs: and while they can’t smell fear, they *are* sensitive to ulterior motives and squirrelly behavior. Pay your compliment and then get the hell out of there. Let her marinate in your good juices.


A Latin honey I am marginally acquainted with got the following royal treatment from me recently:

    “Hi, I don’t mean to come off as too forward or anything, but I was hoping to pay you a compliment: You have an amazing neck.”
    “Thank you! I’ve never really liked my neck. I think it’s too long and chunky”
    “I completely disagree. Your neck is very taut with a pleasant and consistent texture. It has an even color and very few craggy striations, it smells great and draws my attention away from other women around you. I love the way your neck curves under your jawbone and up toward your ears. It’s regal and it really gives ’base’ to your head.”
    “Wow, nobody’s ever complimented me on my neck before.”
    “Well, when I notice perfection I feel it’s my duty to say something.”
    “Would you like to have coffee some time?”
    “No, I should walk away because a compliment is a stand-alone gift.”
    “I am entranced by you.”

Do you see the delicious sexual tension I created in this scenario? This woman had a negative belief about her neck which I was easily able to turn around by focusing on her, paying attention to the details and then telling her what I felt. From that point on, whenever she looks at her neck in the mirror, she’s not going to see it as long and chunky, she’s going to look at it as sculpted and sexy. She will remember my compliment and forever think something positive about herself. Bingo.


I met a white/Filipina at a party a few weeks ago and she got a little special attention from me, the master:

    “Hi, I don’t mean to come off as too forward or anything, but I was hoping to pay you a compliment: I really love your blue blouse.”
    “Thank you!”
    “You’re welcome. What do you call that shade?”
    “Turquoise? That sounds very exotic. I also like your vermilion blouse.”
    “Vermilion blouse?”
    “Yeah, the vermilion blouse you just picked up at Loehman’s yesterday.”
    “Wow, we just met tonight, and yet you are attentive enough to know about a blouse I bought yesterday at a store clean across town. That makes your compliment seem more credible!”
    “Yeah, the vermilion blouse will be perfect for drawing attention away from your perfect earlobes.”
    “You think that I have perfect earlobes?”
    “Well now I’m a little embarrassed; Really I just meant to focus on complimenting your blouses; I never meant to get into a whole thing about how perfect your earlobes, elbows and nostrils are.”
    “OMG! I’ve always hated my elbows and nostrils! I was going to get surgery!”
    “Save your money. Your nostrils are perfectly kidney-shaped and are evenly spaced. And from this angle I can see that your elbow skin is elastic enough to permit free movement, and even with your arm fully extended I see absolutely no wrinkle artifacting. I personally know eight women who would die to have elbows as sexy as yours.”
    “I am entranced by you!”



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Chauvinist Mad Lib

"A woman is like a(n) ______:
                      NOUN 1


A(n) ___________   ______ with a(n) ___________ mother."
     ADJECTIVE 1   NOUN 1           ADJECTIVE 2



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Toss That Salad

Hey everybody, someone left two fruit stickers stuck to the kitchen sink. I don’t know which one of you has been eating plums and peaches, but one of you has, and you probably know that it was you. We’d appreciate it if you’d please go back to the kitchen and throw out the fruit stickers. It’ll only take a minute. Thanks.


Hey everybody, if you left a plastic container on the kitchen counter, I’m going to throw it out if you don’t claim it by the end of the day. It looks like it’s been stained with chili or tomato sauce or something, if that helps to jog your memory.


Hey everybody, I forgot to throw out the plastic container yesterday, but really that was your job. You have until noon to claim it or I’m chucking it. It looks like one of the expensive ones. Also, the fruit stickers are still stuck to the sink. If you remember eating fruit any time in the last week, please go to the kitchen and take the bullet for the fruit-eater team by throwing out the stickers. You can cash out your good karma at the next fruit convention.


Hey everybody, if you take the last donut, please throw out the box. It’s not fair for someone to go into the kitchen and expect the last donut or bagel or pretzel or cake slice or whatever and open up the box to find nothing but a dirty knife. Also, please wash the knife when you’re done with it.


Hey everybody, most of the people in the office don’t like it when people take half of single serving of something and then leave the rest. So like if there are cookies in the kitchen and you take half of a cookie and then leave the other half, it upsets other employees when they go to the box of pastries and all there is left is half of a cookie. Same with donuts and bagels and stuff like that. People want a whole serving of whatever it is. They don’t want half of a serving or to find an empty box. Opening the pastry box to find half of a cookie is worse than finding no cookie. With no cookie, people think, “Oh, he forgot. Maybe next time he won’t forget.” With half of a cookie, people think, “That guy is too lazy to throw out the box that he’s gonna cut the last cookie in half just so he doesn’t have to bother.” And then they get incredulous because that person left behind the dirty knife too. If you’re so concerned about your weight that you can’t eat an entire cookie, maybe you should stay away from the cookies, you know? I mean, the difference between a half of a cookie and a whole cookie is negligible, calorie-wise, and all you’re doing is depriving your neighbor of the ability to eat an entire cookie. That’s totally selfish. I’m sorry to come off as so hostile, but it’s just so frustrating that I always get a big disappointment when I go to eat something that’s in the kitchen.


The fruit stickers are still in the kitchen. Any time you want to get rid of them, would be great.


Something died in the refrigerator. I’m doing a fridge clean-out tomorrow at noon. I’m not throwing out the fruit stickers though. I’m going to leave them there until you get sick of them. If you have anything in the fridge that you want to keep, it’d better have your name and date on it by tomorrow at noon.


I’m cleaning out the fridge right now. Last chance to claim your stuff.


Okay, whichever one of you cunts put the garbage that I threw out BACK into the fridge, is a goddamn fucking prick asshole. That’s so fucking nasty!! I can’t even comprehend how you could have touched that with your bare fucking hands. When I threw out that old orange chicken from Lu’s it was covered in fucking liquid fungus. Why the fuck did you put that shit back in there? I swear to fucking Christ, I have no fucking idea how your infantile dick-head minds work. You’re being totally disrespectful of everybody around you, you’re perpetuating a filthy work and living condition, you’re propagating germs and sickness, and you are condoning and encouraging some real anti-social behaviors. How the hell do you maladjusted, pedestrian jerkoffs function in contemporary society? I have no idea how you can be allowed to exist and I am completely and totally sick of working with you goddamn pig motherfuckers.


Hey everybody, I just found out that today is going to be my last day, so I just wanted to say goodbye. I threw out the fruit stickers. If you want to keep in touch, um, feel free to MySpace me. It’s been fun working with such a great group of people and I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Blogging For Courtney Love

Things are pretty glum down at the old office; Frankly, I’m just tired of complaining about fudgey spoons in the sink and having to order the fucking toner all the time, so I’ve been distracting my fury by doing some professional writing work, which is totally a good thing. My most recent gig is as a blog writer for Courtney Love. Trust me, CL is too busy to write her own blogs, so her people hired me to do it. I’ve written about seven of them so far and I charge a pretty penny. I’m totally willing to offer you my services for pennies on what Court is paying me, but that’s only because I like you. Just tell me a little about yourself, I will write up a contract and we can get started.


Here’s a sample of my work:



    so sick and tired of all the wanking paparotsi tho follow me into the starhbusk to see me lift myskirt and piss on the toilets eat -why do they do that they never gave a shit when i and kurt were poor an dliving cigarette to cigarette or even when we were on the top of the world and i had to throw bottles at madonnas head to get attention or so much as a look from anyone who matterd- And kurt who was so sucessful he took a dying textile flannle and revaginated it so that all the motherfuckers who wanted to be rockers but couldnt afford the axl rose pants pants could go into their grandfather scloset and pull out the flannle shirts nbody care dabout him when he did that did u?but he coulda made milions just from saving flannle =but now that i’m famous the papparotsi stick theres camras in my junk and photograp hme and take my blogs which i write myself and steel them to put them in their tmz fuck you cunt harvey levin don’t give a shit about nobody cept when there somebody and there b/coming nobody again=- me and kurt used ta say that whenyour nobody you cant be famouse for nothing but only once your famouse can you be famuose again for being a nobody – curse of the downtrodden selsl magazines dont it fuck you harvey levin im a rocker and ive seen it all and you are all worthless roaches- i swear to gawd papaROTsi some day you will ake like i ake



[c] 2008 Russ of America


The Gentle Dominatrix

Sometimes you need a dominatrix to boss you around and spank your tush, but why are they always so gruff and hostile? Generally, I’m a pretty cooperative guy. If you ask me to do something, and if I recognize you as an authority, I’ll probably do it, so I don’t understand why all of the aggression and acrimony comes standard in a dominatrix.


Sometimes I need a dominatrix who’s gentle and friendly.


“Please lick my boots, slave.”
[licking boots]
“Is that okay, Mistress?”
“It’s satisfactory, but maybe you want to try a little harder to please me?”
“Yes, Mistress.”
[licking boots]
“Well, that was okay; I certainly applaud your effort, but Mistress may not have derived as much pleasure from that as she could have. Can you please try again?”
“I’m sorry to have disappointed you, Mistress. I’ll try harder.”
“You haven’t disappointed me, but I would appreciate if you would concentrate a little more.”
[licking boots]
“How was that, Mistress?”
“That was a good effort, and you certainly produced. You are a good slave.”
“Thank you for the edifying feedback, Mistress!”
“You’re quite welcome. Now I will spank your tush.”
“Thank you, Mistress, may I have another?”
“Please lick my other boot first, slave.”
“Yes, Mistress.”



[c] 2008 Russ of America