Zach once told me, candidly, in front of RayRayUSA, senxually, in the dark, in the back seat of a drunken bus ride somewhere on an Alaskan highway, that I should seriously consider a career in freestyle rap because I’m “really quick and intelligent” and I “can improvise”. It’s true that I’m quick, intelligent and can improvise, so the only conclusion drawn by Zach’s executive-level reasoning mechanism, was that I should be encouraged immediately to “be a freestyle rapper!”
In spite of my protests and humbled pleas that I was in no way capable of being a freestyle rapper because my skills of quickness are in humor, not in freestyle rap, and that freestyle rap required a skill-set and talent base greater than and/or different from that which I possessed, Zach ignored me and insisted that I get excited about pursuing this new dream that he had for me. He showed me the ease at which this musical form is created, through his own demonstration of freestyle rap. And although Ray mercilessly crushed Zach’s confidence when he told Zach, “Dude, your rhymes are pretty wack!” I think I shall choose to focus on the positive, agree with Zach and I’m going to give it a try with my first-ever freestyle rap. Are you ready?!
I know that I’m sort of cheating because I’m writing it down, but I assure you that this is on the up-and-up: I’m freestyling here and I’m going to write down whatever comes to mind. Okay? Here we go.
I’m Count Dracula
I’m Scott Bacula
I’m redactin’ ya.
I’m really dangerous
Like a manger, miss
Don’t really think that
Y’all can handle this.
Killing suckas like flies
You’re knowing that I’m wise
I’m baking haters like pies…
WHAT THE FUCK?! BAKING HATERS LIKE PIES? I’VE NEVER “BAKED A HATER” — NOT EVEN LIKE A PIE! I’VE NEVER “KILLED A SUCKA” EITHER. I’M SUCH A PHONY! HOW CAN I SIT HERE AND CLAIM TO BE STUFF THAT I’VE NEVER BEEN? I’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG TO ANYBODY. I GOT CAUGHT STEALING FROM A TOY STORE WHEN I WAS 9 AND EVER SINCE THEN I’VE BEEN A PRETTY GOOD KID ALWAYS TRYING TO FOLLOW THE RULES. SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO SAY? THAT I USED TO LIE A LOT ABOUT MY HOMEWORK AND I USED TO HIDE MY REPORT CARD ALL THE TIME AND I CHEATED AT CAROMS A BUNCH OF TIMES?
Zach, no offense buddy, but you really need to shove this idea right up your ass.
[c] 2008 Russ of America
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