My Favorite Blotto Grandparent Story

Anyone who witnessed even a fragment of the history would agree that it was obviously a bitter rivalry, this match between the two seen-it-all biddies Grandma Leibovitz and Old Lady Wooten.

Leibovitz, (three-time ultra-light-retirement champion, fighting out of the Holyfield Gym,) was known on the block for her incessant efforts to get her dubiously attractive dentist grandson set up with all the eligible gals in town, often with little success.  This was occasionally because Wooten was known for subverting Leibovitz’ efforts by switching the gals’ attentions to her handsome grandson, the guy who cleaned the pork fat out of the discard barrel at the butcher shop.

In the two days prior, Wooten (fighting out of the Balboa Gym with a 3-8 record in the professional circuit) had cut some serious weight to get from a hefty 101 to a spry 95 lbs.  It was no surprise that she was feeling a little batty from lack of hydration.  Leibovitz, on the other hand, weighed in at a lean 94 lbs, but she was pure muscle.

Round 1:  Wooten (in the lavender trunks) comes out quickly with several jabs and two over-hand rights.  Leibovitz (mauve trunks) dodges most of these with great skill and lands two solid shots to the ribs of Wooten.  The judges are split, in favor of Wooten.

Round 2:  Leibovitz races to the center of the canvas, circles Wooten and forces her into the corner.  From here, Leibovitz hammers on Wooten’s solar plexus.

Round 3:  Wooten heeds the plea of her corner.  She leads this round with two huge left hooks and a serious right upper-cut.  Leibovitz was stunned for most of the round.

Round 4:  Leibovitz is determined to gain back her lead.  She rushes her opponent and hammers on her.  Wooten fires back with an amazing combo of jabs and powerful rights.  Leibovitz apparently loses her footing and hits the canvas.  As she attempts to stand, Wooten checks her with a solid right.  Leibovitz hits the canvas again and steadily gets back to her feet.  Sensing her opportunity, Wooten draws back her entire body and lets a right hook sail across the ring into Leibovitz’ jaw.  Leibovitz is knocked out of the ring and as Leibovitz is unable to continue fighting, Wooten is declared the winner.

The victory, however, is short-lived.  Leibovitz’s corner demands that Wooten be tested for performance-enhancing drugs.  As the results were returned, Wooten tested positive for Belgian brown ale.  The win was overturned, Wooten’s boxing license was revoked, and Wooten is forced to leave the neighborhood.

The good news is that Leibovitz’ grandson met a fine young lady and they’ve been dating for almost a week.

[c] 2008 Russ of America


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