Archive for October 2008

What Is My Job?

Today, my job is this:


Be at work by noon. Have a Tecate. Buy cat food. Water the plants.


That’s pretty much gonna be my job for a while.



[c] 2008 Russ of America

The Sixth Amendment

The Sixth Amendment states that a defendant has a right to a speedy trial. I think it should be the juror who has a constitutional right to a speedy trial – You know? If I’m accused of something, well, shit, stretch it out! Keep me the fuck out of jail! But if I’m a juror, I don’t want to sit on a panel for 60, 90, 120 days. Get me the hell in and out of there! The ones making the greatest sacrifices are the jurors. What about *MY* rights?!



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Fresh Burps

Baja Fresh should be called Fresh Burps because of the phenomenon occurring an hour after you eat there, when you burp and it tastes just as good as when you first ate it.


“Mmm! I can taste the cilantro and the marinated meat! That *IS* fresh!”



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Size 4

Today I learned that, in a pinch, I can wear a Calvin Klein low-rise, boot cut, size 4 woman’s jean.


Is that good?


You’re goddamn right it is, motherfucker.



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Model Kits

Assembling a model kit is kinda depressing because even when you’re done and you have that really cool boat or plane or robot or whatever the hell you assembled, you’re going to be left with this weird sad feeling that you didn’t really INVENT the thing and you didn’t really CREATE anything and you didn’t really do anything INGENIOUS, and basically all you did was follow directions like a jerk and you painted something according to the textbook color scheme and you managed to keep the airplane glue from jacking up the clear plastic windows. So what the fuck did you waste all that time for? To impress your grandchildren? Fuck you, lame-ass.



[c] 2008 Russ of America

The Cat Vomit

Sometimes the most efficient way to clean cat vomit out of the carpet is to starve the cat until he’s hungry enough to lick it out of the fibers.



[c] 2008 Russ of America