Archive for November 2008

Socks Make The Man

Kids can’t wait to be older because they’re convinced that if they can just appear more mature, people will take them seriously and finally listen to them. And let them buy booze. To that end, they’ll do just about anything to appear older and to act older. But it’s getting a little out of hand lately; I’ve begun to see young kids – twelve, thirteen years-old – wearing black socks with shorts. Like an old man. And sometimes with black sandals. What the fuck?!

 

I understand if you want to look older — but look like my grandfather? Really? Nobody’s gonna fall for that, Black-Sock Boy. You’re missing the gray whiskers and the sporadic memory loss. Okay, maybe just the gray whiskers.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Too Much Information!

“I pooped. It was diarrhea. Hahaha. Now you’re thinking about my loose stools. My loose stools sitting at the bottom of the toilet. I can’t flush them; The water’s out. Hahaha. Now you’re thinking about how my loose stools are sitting at the bottom of my toilet bowl and I can’t flush! Hahaha. And you’re probably wondering if I paid the water bill. Hahaha. The fragrance of my liquid poop permeates the air. Hahaha. You’re imagining smelling it. Hahaha. It stinks. It stinks and you’re thinking about them: My stools. My smelly wet stools wot are at the bottom of the toilet bowl stinking away. Hahaha. Happy Thanksgiving!”
“TMI!”
“What?”
“T.M.I.!”
“What the fuck is that?”
“Too Much Information!”
“Why are you saying that?”
“Because you’re talking about your poops.”
“So what?”
“So that’s too much information.”
“Too much information for who?”
“For everybody.”
“Oh grow up.”
“Seriously!”
“What are you, a douche?”
“No, I’m not a douche.”
“Well, then fuck everybody.”
“Well if everybody was here they’d tell you that it’s TMI.”
“And since when did I listen to or do what Everybody tells me to do?”
“Uh, I dunno.”
“Right. Since never. So FUCK what they think. Why do they say that to you?”
“Because whenever I talk about something weird like my butt or my sex life or my poops, people at work or school or home or public put up their hand dismissively and say, ‘TMI!’ ”
“Do you like it when they do that?”
“No.”
“So why are you doing it?”
“I dunno.”
“Because you’re a follower?”
“Whattayamean a follower? I’m not a follower, I’m an individual.”
“So why are you saying TMI?”
“Because everyone else does.”
“Okay, so you’re an individual who does what everyone else does.”
“Right.”
“TMI!”

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Microwave Stopped One Second Early!

In local news today, things get so out of hand in a Los Angeles area kitchen, that their cooking staff was forced to turn off their microwave one second earlier than planned. Authorities were contacted and nobody was hurt in the incident. Investigators are still looking into the matter.

 



 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

THEY SAID: Middle Names

They said that a man whose middle name is Hussein could never be elected to the office of The President of the United States of America.

 

Oops.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Matching At The Deepest Level

eHarmony says that they will match me with someone else at the deepest level.

 

Who am I at the deepest level?

 

*Am* I anybody at the deepest level? I don’t even know.

 

I think it’s a little presumptuous of them to say they can match me when I don’t even know who I am or what I am. Or when I am. Or how I am. How am I? I don’t think I know. How can eHarmony know?

 

They must have a computer.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Gay Marriage Ban? What Gay Marriage Ban?

Uh, there’s this myth that gay marriage was recently banned in California.

 

Gay people can still get married; They just have to marry someone from the opposite gender in a loveless way just like they’ve been doing for generations!

 

Pfft! Gay marriage ban — You’ve got to be shitting me.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

 

Slim Jims

Slim Jims are slim, but they’re not as slim as Virginia Slims. I think it has something to do with anorexia.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Russ of America On: the Filipino Delicacy “Lumpia”

Don’t ever let boiling oil get in the way of you and your dreams.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America