Archive for December 2008

Why Arabs Hate Jews

Why do Arabs hate Jews?

    * Good pastrami is expensive.
    * Herring!
    * Tiny, useless hats with no brims. WTF?!


[c] 2008 Russ of America

Fundamentalist Fisticuffs

The three first-round weapons of fundamentalists:

    1) I pity you.
    2) I’ll pray for you.
    3) Now that I’ve razed your hamlet with #1 and #2, I’ll pompously leave the room while you wonder what the fuck just happened.


[c] 2008 Russ of America

Yo Quiero Aprender Español

I’ve always wanted to learn how to speak Spanish so that I could say convincingly, “Hey Jackass, don’t leave your shopping cart on our lawn!” in the person’s native tongue.


While yes, I could learn the phrase alone, having a strong working knowledge of Spanish is important when they inevitably reply, “It’s not my cart!”
I would reply in my best Spanish, “I don’t care if it’s your cart or not, don’t leave it on our fucking lawn!”
“But you said it was my cart.”
“It doesn’t matter whose cart it is; I know that the cart belongs to Vallarta Supermarket, but you have it, so for the sake of expediting this conversation, it is your cart.”
“But it’s not my cart.”
“Look jackass, it’s irrelevant whose cart it is; It’s rude to leave a shopping cart on someone’s lawn and since you were in possession of the cart, I ascribed the cart to you, as yours.”
“But it’s not my cart.”
“Are you an idiot?”
“Of course not. I speak perfect Spanish, don’t I?”
“That is true, your Spanish is very good, but if you are not an idiot, why are you hyper-fixated on this debate about whether or not the shopping cart belongs to you or not? A smart person would be paying attention to the core issue that it is wrong to leave a shopping cart on someone’s lawn.”
“But it’s not my cart. And I didn’t leave it on your lawn, dickhead. The white lady across the street did.”


I’m not quite sure where my Spanish education will take me, but I’ve always considered it a wise investment to learn another language for the purpose of being able to communicate successfully with that culture.



[c] 2008 Russ of America

North Pole Counterfeiting Gang Raided

Russ of America News Network Staff Writer


NORTH POLE (ROANN) — At dawn today, international agents raided the sprawling North Pole compound of Santa Claus, culminating a lengthy investigation into a massive counterfeiting operation run from that region for decades. Authorities estimate that billions of pieces of electronic equipment, clothing, jewelry, housewares and toys are manufactured by the Claus cartel annually without permission, distribution rights, royalty remittances or licensing agreements. An investigating agent who did not want to be identified said, “The quality of [these] counterfeits is astounding. The average person would never know that the jeans she is wearing, or the HD television she is watching is a complete fake, but in fact, it is.”


Upon breach of the compound’s mammoth four-inch thick reinforced gingerbread security doors, agents discovered an army of people working at various stations. “I believe we may have a human trafficking component here. We have contacted some human rights organizations for an emergency response, but we are still trying to figure out if these people are even human and if they even qualify for assistance.”


When asked to estimate the annual financial loss, the unidentified agent Tariq Hasaan said, “Globally, probably in the [trillions of US dollars] range, so the impact of this counterfeiting crew is far-reaching and devastating to the global economy. We’re all aware of the state of the international economy, especially places like America and we see how people are struggling to pay their car notes and how they have to decide whether to pay full price for Gruyere cheese at Whole Foods or on sale at Gelson’s. A counterfeit operation of this scale is unprecedented. I mean, Japan sells a lot of televisions, right? They’d probably sell a lot more if it wasn’t for this [motherfucker] making counterfeits right under their noses. I know that he hasn’t been tried yet, so I’m not saying he’s guilty of counterfeiting, but he’s definitely guilty of something. You’re not going to print my name, are you?”


Officials expect to hold a press conference some time in the next few hours.



[c] 2008 Russ of America

NORAD Tracks Santa


Yes, ha ha ha… a happy annual event put on by the United States military… ha ha ha… Fun, frolic and merriment! ha ha ha…


Each year the United States Federal Government, fueled by the holiday spirit, instructs NORAD, The North American Aerospace Defense Command, to uses its highly sophisticated electronic war technology to Read more

Good Samaritans

If you save someone’s life and they get paralyzed and then they sue you because you didn’t protect them from grave bodily harm, I think the only sound legal remedy is that you be ordered by the government to finish the job that God started and kill the hell out of that motherfucker.



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Official Pretentious Names Directory

Okay, this is the Official Pretentious Names Directory. Please feel free to make submissions. Join my blog today and post a follow-up with your pretentious names ideas. Pretentious names often moonlight as stripper-names. Coincidence? I’m not sure!


I’m starting off with a small list because I’m lazy and I need your input. Join my blog today!!


I see this project as starting off small and quickly winding up as the Wikipedia of pretentious names. So let’s get to work, yeah? You want to be in on this grass-roots movement at the ground level. And other assorted trite phrases. Now before you write in all pissed-off because I listed your kid’s name, please suppress your urges, because I think if you were honest with yourself you’d agree that I am right.


Aidan (and similar)
Ashleigh (this particular spelling is still ultra-pretentious, but accepted is any other spelling than the generally approved stripper-name “Ashley”)
Brayden (and similar)
Bree / Bre / Bri / Brie (and derivations)
Brooklyn (if you’re not actually from Brooklyn)
Britney / Brittany / Bryttyny (and derivations)
Kaylie (and derivations)
Kaelah (and derivations)
Savannah (that’s a porn name, dude)
Skyler / Skylar





[c] 2008 Russ of America

Fuck “An Historic”

There’s this bullshit rule in English where if you use the word “historic” you apparently have to use the word “an” before it. Newscasters love to do this as though they are flaunting their English prowess over you. Where it comes up most is in the phrase “This was an historic event.”


Seriously? “An historic event”?! This violates every other rule of English that you were taught. If a word begins with a vowel sound, you use “an”. Examples: “It was an honor.” “It was an exciting time.” If the word is preceded by a consonant sound, you would use “a”. Examples: “It was a dog.” “It was a little man.” What the fuck are people saying “an historic event” for? Would I ever say, “The perpetrator was an Hispanic”?! No! He probably WAS an Hispanic, but I wouldn’t say it like that. How about “The salad was an healthy choice.” Fuck that! Sometimes we say “It was an honor” but the word “honor” begins with an “O” sound, not an “H” sound. Historic begins with a H, so be a fucking woman and man and stand up to those dipshit conservative English majors who insist upon nonsensical counter-intuitive English rules such as “an historic.” It’s nonsense!


UPDATE: February 26, 2009 – CNN – Anderson Cooper quotes Representative Eliot Engel (D) who says at approx 1:09 of this clip: “In such a historic and wonderful celebration of American democracy… I am sorry he is so jaded.” So jaded? That Anderson Cooper uses “a historic” instead of “an historic”? No, that’s not what the representative said at all, but isn’t it interesting that someone else is bucking that stupid “an historic” convention? Fuck it!!


[c] 2008 Russ of America

Back In The Day I Said… Vol1

Back in The Day I said:


07.02.99 – LOS ANGELES – Plastic surgeons are using injections of Botox, a chemical derived from botulism, to help rid vain women of certain facial wrinkles. When injected locally, the chemical paralyzes subdermal muscles which produce a smoother facial surface. Botulism is a toxin which affects the central nervous system and can often result in death, though scientists say that there aren’t any risks involved with Botox due to its purity.
[We are] anxiously awaiting the proliferation of the inevitable horrific side effects and would love to be the first news source to interview the plaintiffs involved in the class-action lawsuits which will follow. Just wait.



12.19.08 – (NBCLOSANGELES.COM) Sunset Strip dermatologist with a celebrity clientele was arrested Thursday for injecting patients who wanted to get rid of facial wrinkles with a fake Botox that can cause terrible side effects, federal officials announced.





[c] 2008 Russ of America

The Fashionistas on Snow Boots

The fashionistas have decided that when the temperature in Southern California reaches 65 degrees Fahrenheit (18.33C), that’s an okay time to break out your best pair of Eskimo boots. The more fringe and tassels and pom-poms, the better!


It may seem counter-intuitive, but it’s totally okay to wear a skirt or shorty-shorts and a tank top with the boots; The one main rule for wearing Eskimo boots is that the temperature MUST HAVE DROPPED TO 65F/18C. Even if it’s for only one day.


An interesting fashionista loophole: If the weather hasn’t yet hit 65F/18C, but it’s any time after mid-November, you are allowed to wear the Eskimo boots because it’s going to be winter soon. It could be 78F/25.5C degrees wherever you are, but if it’s mid-November, you can still wear the snow boots and everybody’ll think you’re a gorgeous little darling in your form-fitting tanktop and plain-jane jean skirt. You don’t even have to wear panties!


*Scoff!* Like you need my permission to wear panties… You won’t!



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Gift Baiting

Around the second week of December I like to play this game where I ask friends and acquaintances questions that could be interpreted as me fishing for Christmas gift ideas. I’m not actually fishing for ideas though, I’m just asking questions that will make them think I’m fishing for ideas. For example:


“Hey, you used to play the saxophone, right?”
“Do you still remember how to play?”
“Yeah, I’m a little rusty but I could still play some songs.”
“Do you own a saxophone?”
“Is it in good shape?”
“It could use a polishing, but it’ll get the job done. Why?”
“Just curious. What size shoe do you wear?”
“What’s your favorite color?”
“Do you like high-tops or low-tops?”
“Do you have the first season of Barney Miller on DVD?”
“No, why do you ask?”
“Just curious.”


They won’t press the issue because in the back of their heads they’re thinking of Christmas and they don’t want to spoil their Christmas surprise. Then they go home and wonder what kind of sneakers or saxophone I’m going to buy them and then they look forward to the Barney Miller DVDs and then when Christmas comes around and I didn’t get them a goddamn thing they wonder why the fuck I was asking all of those questions if I wasn’t going to buy them anything, but it serves them right for being so materialistic.


HAAHahahHAhA! I love Christmas!



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Old Wives’ Mane

The legend says that if you masturbate, you’ll grow hair on your palms. But what if you wax your bush?



[c] 2008 Russ of America

.sig files are fucking ridiculous


  o ---------------------------------------------------------- o
 |  "WHAT           (                             __ -=- __     |
 |   HATH          )\ )   (          (           /-.\//\/.-\    |
 |   GOD           (()/(   )\         )\         | I\\_//N |    |
 |   WROUGHT?"     /(_))(((_)   ( ((((_)(        | R/   \I |    |
 |                 (_))  )\___   )\ )\ _ )\      | //)A(\\ |    |
 |   benjamin      | _ \((/ __| ((_)(_)_\(_)     |/` |N| `\|    |
 |   franklin      |   / | (__ / _ \ / _ \       | _/|G|\_ |    |
 |  (inventor)     |_|_\  \___|\___//_/ \_\      |/  |E|  \|    |
 |                                                   |L|        |
 |      russ carney of america has authorized this message      |
 |                                                              |
 |  GO HERE  =>              |
 |  FOR      =>            |
 |  MORE     =>       |
 |  CONTENT  =>                  |
 |  LIKE     =>                     |
 |  THIS     =>           |
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 |                                                              |
  o ---------------------------------------------------------- o

My Musical Tastes Are Pretty Excellent

I consider myself to be a very good judge of music. My musical tastes are post-proto-nouveau-inustrial-prima-trance and retro-mod-acid-jungle-gypsy-tonk.


You’re probably digging all the mainstream bands, but I’m totally into the indy scene. I like bands you’ve never heard of and probably never even thought to research. You’d probably have to research the keywords for 2 weeks just to know what to search for. I like genres that indy music critics race to review only to be rejected by their editors for missing their deadline. I like 0-3hr g3nr3z. I like genres that are obsolete ten minutes after they’re created.


I get asked a lot what my favorite bands are, so my favorite bands are:

    Crystal Mepos – a Danish dust-metal ego-pop group.
    Zanikkit – all industrial neo-brusque tribal bells from Paraguay
    Wyclef Palate – satirical punk-ambient jazz-opera.
    Jerpis – synth-panflute slowjam-woogie. Luxembourg.
    Fiienen Lœn – kravok-sanyk razzmatazz.

Don’t bother looking these up on Google because the references will have been archived by the time you search for them, and you don’t even know which archives to go to. I could tell you, but there’s no guarantee that the archives will be around by the time you read this, or by the time you got into contact with me to verify that the archives I mentioned are still in business.


I kind of pity you though because you have no idea who they are and how amazing they are. I might burn a CD for you, but I might be dead by the time you read this.



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Room Wanted!



It was a short and simple ad. The poster said that his girlfriend was looking to move really soon and she wanted to rent a room in someone’s house in a roommate situation.


I’m really good at reading between the lines and this is CLASSIC want-ad code for, “Hi, I’d like to fuck my girlfriend in your house in exchange for a monthly stipend. If you’re cool with that, gimme a call.”





[c] 2008 Russ of America