Archive for January 2009

The Most Useless Email

The most useless email I’ve ever received:

 

 

—– Original Message —–
From: “Ebay Fees”
To: “Russ Of America”
Sent: Thursday, January 29, 2009 11:49 PM
Subject: Payment Accepted!

Dear Russ Of America,

This email confirms that eBay, Inc has accepted the $2.24 USD you sent.

 

 

Well big fucking deal. Sue me if I didn’t pay it; It’s a bad fucking economy!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

OnStar? WTF is OnStar?

I saw a commercial for this in-car personal assistance system called “OnStar” and it TOTALLY reminded me of my short-film, Daryl From OnCar, which, incidentally, is in competition at the LA Comedy Shorts Film Festival. Hopefully I can earn your support to attend our screening when it is announced, to tell your friends and family to visit Strike.TV and to watch Daryl as well as all of the other big COC (creator-owned-content) at that site.

 

Anyway, this commercial totally bit off our idea about having an in-dash concierge who manages the important details of your personal life. Ron, DMac and I are thinking about suing this OnStar entity, but we’ll probably be good sports and take a cash settlement instead so that we can make more fillums!

 

UPDATE: Feb 27 2009 — Daryl From OnCar will screen at the LA Comedy Film Shorts Festival on Friday, March 6th, at 2pm. The venue is the Downtown Independent Theater.

 

I love you.

 

Russ of America

COPS, The People’s Court and Borrowed Cars

I’ve watched COPS since 1989 and The People’s Court since I was a little boy. Using both of these informative “what you oughta do” shows as a resource material, I have learned this:

 

If you ever borrow a car, you are required to make sure that there are no narcotics, guns, stolen clothes, electronics, tools, jewelry, children, burglary tools, or other contraband in the borrowed car when you took possession of it. Don’t forget to check under the seats, the center console, the ashtrays and the gaps between the rear seat cushions. If you intend to carry any passengers, make sure to have them empty their pockets and purses so that you might do a thorough search of their property for anything illegal. Then, you have to make sure that the car is correctly and currently registered with the car owner’s name clearly printed on the registration. You need to verify that the plates match the VIN as reported on the registration, and that the registration and insurance cards are easily available to you within the cabin of the vehicle upon demand by a police officer.

 

You will then need to do a walk-around with the registered owner to identify any existing damage on the vehicle, marking off trouble areas on a scale drawing of the car on paper. We recommend a flattened top view or an interrupted sinusoidal projection. Mark detailed notes about the location and description of damage on the inspection sheet. Both you and the registered owner should sign off on this document, with copies produced in duplicate, triplicate or even quadruplicate in case the owner might initiate a civil claim for damages against you in the future. To better protect yourself, you will need to write up a lending agreement contract, get a receipt acknowledging that you paid the agreed-upon fees if any, avoiding cash in favor of checks, money orders or credit cards.

 

It is a very wise idea to invest $100 and get a professional, licensed mechanic to verify that the car is in good working order in case there is a major mechanical defect that you could get accused of causing down the road. Make sure to get a receipt for this transaction as well. If you make any repairs or improvements to the vehicle, retain all receipts and see to it that you have appropriate written permission from the registered owner. If you expect to be reimbursed for these expenses, you need to include that in your lending agreement contract to ensure that you will have a legal claim in the future. Also, it’s probably a good idea to take detailed photos of the car from all sides, including underneath, to demonstrate what the car looked like prior to your taking possession of it. Make sure that the axles are straight, that there is no obvious chassis buckling, and that there aren’t any potentially catastrophic oil leaks. Check the tension on the belts, the fluids and the tire pressure.

 

When you return the car to the registered owner, you are going to have the RO sign off on the car’s condition as proof that you have brought it back in a condition acceptable to the terms of your agreement.

 

According to both The People’s Court and COPS, you have to do all of this shit or else you’ll probably get arrested and/or ruled against in a civil suit.

 

Alternatively, you could rent an economy car from Enterprise for $20, get the damage waiver, and save somewhere between $70 and $5000 depending on the severity of your prior criminal history.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Things You Don’t Hear At Black Parties

“You call this a party? Where the fuck are the white people, goddammit?! Let’s get this party started already; I want to dance!”

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

How To Put Yourself Out Of My Misery…

“Well, you know, because of the economy…” is the apologetic expression du jour, and I’m not sure if I quite see the dark side of the economy yet with my investments tied up in the flap meat, medical marijuana and vodka markets, but I do know that everybody has been complaining that they can’t find employment or even customers in this economy. But there is good news! According to a local circular, many of the Big 5 stores in Southern California, as of this week, are selling an M91/30 Mosin Nagant bolt-action rifle for $99USD.

 

The economy is a shambles, people are getting laid-off left and right. Thankfully you can blow your head off for $99!

 

So what if you can’t cut it in the corporate world — but dude, you can definitely sink a shot into your grey matter and free up a wanky ball-licker job in the private sector for me, your best pal of America. Thanks for doing the right thing!

 

UPDATE: (Feb 17 2009) Good news! The Mosin Nagant rifle previously on sale for $99 (limit 2) has gone down to $89 (limit 1). “Own a real piece of history” it says. Do you own, or even better, PWN a piece of history yet? Probably not. Buy this rifle and go pwn yourself a piece of history, lone wolf. Big 5 needs you to act now. You understand what’s being asked of you, right? No delays.

 

Go out and pwn yourself a piece of history.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Homeopathic Chicken Soup Recipe

I greatly enjoy cooking. It’s a fun, artistic and loving pastime in which to indulge. I’ve had quite a bit of experience creating my own recipes and recently have come up with a number of homeopathic meals. On a crisp winter evening there’s very little that I enjoy more than a good, rich, homeopathic soup. Few things warm the heart quite like it and it brings comfort and relief to any poor soul laid up in bed with a wicked chest cold.

 

Homeopathic Chicken Soup

 

PREP TIME: 15 minutes
COOK TIME: 2 days

    You will need:
    2 six-quart soup pots
    1 tablespoon butter
    1 whole chicken, quartered if you like.
    2 large carrots, diced
    2 stalks celery, diced
    2 cloves garlic, minced
    1 large onion, coarsely chopped
    1 tablespoon thyme
    2 bay leaves

In a large soup pot, heat butter. Add onion and saute until translucent. Add garlic and saute for 30 seconds. Working quickly, add whole chicken, chopped carrots, celery, thyme and bay leaves and a tablespoon of salt. Cover the ingredients with approximately 6 quarts of cold, filtered water and bring to boil over a medium-high flame. Once boiling, reduce flame to medium and cover for approximately 1 hour or until chicken begins to separate from the bone. Occasionally skim froth from the top of the mixture as it boils.

 

Once the vegetables are tender and the chicken has cooked thoroughly, strain the soup into a second large pot.

 

After thoroughly washing the first soup pot, take one eye-dropper full of broth and transfer only one drop to the clean first pot. Discard remaining 6 quarts of chicken broth.

 

To the single drop of chicken broth add 99 drops cold water and bring to boil over medium-high heat for 1 second. Filter the broth again through fine cheesecloth into a clean soup pot. Succuss 100 times, up, down, left, right, forward, backward. Be careful to avoid splashing or burning.

 

Remove 1 dropper full of the new diluted broth. Wash the original pot again and then add one drop of the refined broth. Add another 99 drops water and bring to boil, reducing to medium-high for 1 second. Again succuss 100 times, up, down, left, right, forward, backward.

 

Repeat dilution and succussion process 30-60x to make the chicken taste even better than you can possibly imagine.

 

This folksy remedy operates on the principle like treats like and deliciousness treats deliciousness. So if you let a chicken peck out your eye, this homeopathic soup would cure blindness caused by chicken-pecking, but only if you were peckish for chicken, because homeopathy is not limited by wordplay. It would also cure avian flu and any human disease that was chicken-related, or any disease caused by deliciousness. So if you ate a delicious pork chop and got trichinosis, you should immediately make a batch of Homeopathic Chicken Soup to cure the deliciousness that caused your original disease. Makes perfect sense, right? If this doesn’t make sense, it’s because you are closed-minded and aren’t receptive to 200 years of proven non-allopathic remedies that might cure deliciousness, and we pity you and pray for you.

 

Don’t forget to garnish with 1/10000000000000 poppy seed and serve immediately while hot.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

The $10,000,000 Dowsing Challenge

The use of dowsing or divining rods to find hidden objects, from water, to gold, to dead bodies, is a scientific practice dating back thousands of years. Every item that God put on earth emits a magnetomic frequention between 1qei-1603qei**. The dowser, if attuned to the appropriate frequention through conviction of faith and science, is able to use his or her rods to biangulate the location of the desired item, up to 20,000 feet below the earth’s crustula. Disbelievers, or “haters”, claim that magnetomical or any other form of divining is “a fallacy” (as some of the bloggers call it) in spite of incontrovertible evidence proving that biangulation of magnetomic frequention is a provable, demonstrable and working scientific concept equivalent to main-stream scientific laws such as electricity, fluid dynamics and magnetic healing. The disbelievers spread their hate and terror through their baseless opinions and myopic dogma in the form of arrogantly ignorant demands that dowsing scientists should have to *prove* our extraordinary claims because somehow the burden is on us to prove science, instead of on them to disprove the science. Science is facts, not theory. Duh! And you use facts to prove a theory, not a science! Duh! If you have a problem with dowsing, that’s just your theory and you have to prove that it does NOT work, and not the other way around. Since when did people with inexplicable claims ever have to prove anything first? That’s up to your alleged “scientific science.” If you can’t accept this obviousness, then I pity you, but I will keep my heart open to forgive you.

 

To put the haters to rest once and for all, I am organizing The Dowsing Challenge. It is estimated that there are between 4-7 million abandoned landmines in Cambodia. My plan is to compile a team of 1000 dowsers, funded by your charitable donations of no less than $10,000,000 or more, to travel to Cambodia. Once there we will help to biangulate and to clear landmines using no scientific method other than dowsing. We will disarm the landmines with acupuncture, distance healing, free energy, and homeopathics. Then we will restore polluted soil to its original shape by using the rejuvenative power of magnets and ionic bracelets to regenerate the once pristine Cambodian soil. Anyone who has faith in dowsing as strongly as I, is asked to immediately fund or to join my crew and to do something positive with their god-given scientific or financial resources as I have chosen to do. If you know a lot of non-dowsers, urge them to offer their financial support. If you are an intelligent person you will donate money to this cause because it speaks to a very important humanitarian issue: saving helpless little children and the world-weary elderly from excruciating death and the discomfort of disfigurement. I should also remind you that by donating money to this cause you will be preserving your freedoms as a god-blessed American dowser, or as a lifelong faithful supporter (if you yourself do not dowse.) If you do not, within a short time span the government will intervene and reveal to you that the pinko liberals have successfully lobbied to suppress your rights of expressing yourself through divining, and so you can’t do it anymore. Are you going to give them this power?

 

More details on the $10,000,000 Dowsing Challenge to follow.

 

** qei (alt: QEI) (pron: quee) is the dowser’s preferred unit of measurement for magnetomic energy frequention. According to many documents found on the Internet, Queen Elizabeth I was said to be a proponent of dowsing, to the extent that she ordered dowsers to assist English miners with locating valuable mineral seams. It is for this reason that we dowsers have co-opted her initials for our preferred measurement unit. We could have used Charles Richet’s initials, but his name doesn’t come up a whole lot in pop-culture so not a lot of people know who he is, and it was much easier to turn QEI into “quee” than it would be to turn CR into something resembling a word. It also deserves mention that magnetomic frequention is not the same thing as electromagnetic frequencies (alt: EMF), which is totally a pseudo-scientific concept.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Racism

Racism: I’m all for it. Only trouble is, I can’t figure out what the best race is. Mongoloid?

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

$25,000 Pyramid

“Something you might drop without picking up afterwards.”
“A deuce?”

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Alvin, Nutty Alvin…

At noon on Sunday, February 12, 2006 Nutty Alvin emailed me about a job ad I’d floated into the Craigslist ether. While I don’t work on Sunday, I shot him a quick email and told him that I’d give him a call sometime on Monday. Within less than 24 hours Alvin phoned me four times, left three voicemail messages and ultimately convinced himself that I was standing him up like a like an ugly girl on prom night. By 11:56am on Monday he’d diagnosed me as mentally ill on the basis that I did not return his calls quickly enough.

 

I was pretty incredulous so I phoned him back, but I guess he was pouting; Alvin didn’t answer his phone. I left a voicemail to announce that I accepted his withdrawal of candidacy from the position at my company. I taunted him to call me back, but he never did.

 

Alvin, Nutty Alvin. May you forever bring joy to my readers and to me with the following recording:

 

<Download> Russ Carney of America – Nutty Alvin.mp3
1:01 (1.41 megabytes)

 

 

[c] 2006-2009 Russ Carney of America