Answers To Your Jackoff Queries 1

Hello!

 

My name is Russ of America and I run a humor blog that was once called 400% More Jackoff Magic. You may have heard of me from such blogs as this one. I’ve been doing a little research on my blog statistics recently, (a self-indulgent marketing activity practiced by most bloggers,) and I noticed some trends in the kinds of queries people are entering into search engines. To be more helpful to my visitors, and to potentially encourage them to read more of the crass, puerile, sardonic, pseudo-intellectual humor I’ve written on this site, I thought I might invest a few moments to address some of your interests.

 

Here are some of the top search queries and my helpful responses.

    Q: man jack off
    R: Yes, it’s probably safe to say that he did. Approximately 63% of men admitted to it in a 1994 study. 63%, that is, if you believe the veracity of sex statistics.

     

    Q: smoke pot and jack off
    R: You probably could, depending on the laws in your area, but many cities aren’t as pot-friendly as others, and masturbating while smoking marijuana could pose a fire hazard. If you are going to engage in this kind of risky behavior, it’s important that you exercise some basic fire safety precautions. Keep a fireproof ashtray handy, be sure that you have an emergency escape plan, and be sure that your fire extinguisher is functional and fully charged. Use the buddy system, and don’t be caught unprepared.

     

    Q: the best jack off method
    R: It’s a matter of personal preference, but if I were you, I’d invest in an inversion table or similar jackoff aid. It’s difficult to explain, but there’s something about inverting your balls that can really pump out about 35% more pleasure units during your jackoff. Of course you need to check with your doctor before beginning any new jackoff regimen, and be sure that she deems you fit enough to use an inversion table. While at the doctor’s office you may want to double-check that you’re not suffering from cryptorchidism or retractile testicle as these can affect jackoff pleasure.

     

    Q: how to jack off more than once
    R: After you jack off, jack off again.

     

    Q: i jack off a lot
    R: That’s not a question. You’re bragging.

     

    Q: what is the perfect way to jack off
    R: It depends on what you are into. Do you like candles? Soft music? Techno? Montel Williams? Watching Tombstone? There are no rules or limits. Just strap yourself into the inversion table, jerk that pistol and go to work. You know, skin that smoke wagon and see what happens. Obviously I prefer Tombstone.

     

    Q: jack off sock
    R: That’s a totally legitimate and environmentally aware method, for sure. It’s certainly a more green approach than using disposable tissue after each emission. You could also make a Fifi or Fifi Bag, but unless you reuse or re-purpose the latex glove, there is no improvement to the environment.

     

    Q: jackoff tips
    R: Here are some good tips: Lock the door. Make sure nobody’s around. Be comfortable with your body. Do what feels good without inflicting your beliefs on others. Don’t break the law. Maintain a neutral pH. Stay away from rubber bands. Keep it moist.

     

    Q: jackoff in toilet
    R: It’s possible. Many people try this, but ultimately get bored of it as it’s not a very comfortable position. If you do this, try to avoid wasting water unless it is necessary to protect your privacy.

     

    Q: old guy jackoff
    R: He might, but not as often as he used to.

     

    Q: nadya suleman toes
    R: As a taxpayer who is helping to [cough cough] foot the bill for her fourteen children, your query is offensive to me.

Okay, if I’ve helped you out in any way, I’d appreciate if you’d tell your friends about my site and visit often. Create an account, login, participate.

 

Your pal of America.

 

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. This blog is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved and completely natural activities.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

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