Archive for March 2009

Malcolm-Jamal Warner: Who Drank All The Kool-Aid?

I’ve had this magazine clipping since 1991. For almost 20 YEARS I’ve been looking at it and I *STILL* can’t tell if this ad is racist or not. I *suspect* that it is, but I can’t tell for sure because I got it from a magazine aimed at a black demographic.

 

 

Chuck D of Public Enemy if you’re reading my blog, three things: 1) WTF are you doing reading my blog? 2) Tell everybody you know! 3) Would you please shed some light on this ad and help me to decide if it’s racist? I want to think that it is, but I’m having trouble because Malcolm-Jamal Warner looks so goddamn happy, and who the hell am *I* to decide whether or not a young black man is allowed to be happy about Kool-Aid?

 

If any of you happen to be Twitter or Facebook friends with Chuck, can you please send him over here for a look-see? And if you are black and reading my blog, I’d appreciate your input as well. And shit, if you’re tight with Malcolm-Jamal, I’d love to get his feedback on this ad too! I guess I’ve convinced myself over the years that Kool-Aid is a tool of black suppression wielded by white corporate America, as throughout history they have aggressively marketed a beverage with zero nutritional value and ridiculously high sugar content directly to a people who are, statistically, gravely at risk of developing diabetes. And let’s not forget Jonestown. Sure it was cyanide-laced “Flavor Aid”, but was Flavor Aid much different from Kool-Aid? On the other hand, Kool-Aid is playfully mocked as a charming, folksy staple of urban black culture in movies such as House Party, so I dunno what position I’m supposed to take. I trust Chuck D on these matters, so I’ll yield to him. Jesse Jackson, you’re free to vocalize as well, but Al Sharpton, please stay out of this until you get a respectable haircut. I don’t need you coming up here looking like a 1990s DJ Quik, leaving provocative comments and shit.

 

“Who drank all the Kool-Aid? I did…And I’m ready to make some more.”

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Dian, Jane or Dora? Who’s The Real Scientist?

I’ve seen a lot of things out there in life. A lot of things. And sometimes it’s difficult to discern truth from fiction, especially when it comes to liberal, bleeding-heart feminist propaganda. So I will use the scissor of conservative truth to cut through that politically correct feminist dogma and to expose the truth. But first, a quiz:

 

Please think about this very carefully for a few minutes. Of the following three women from history (or maybe more appropriately from “herstory”,) who is an actual scientist and who is fake? Dian Fossey, Jane Goodall or Dora The Explorer?

 

 

Yes, I know your kind. You’re semi-literate and you’ve been taught some really compelling “facts” by some very “reputable” people. The brainwashing likely began as early as nursery school when Read more

A Million O’Clock

Like any kid in the world, my parents put me to bed at a reasonable time, and I threatened to them that when I grew up I’d stay up until a million o’clock and then they’d be sorry!

 

Well after doing a lot of research on Wikipedia, I learned this week that is no million o’clock and I owe my parents a tremendous apology for lying to them.

 

Mom and Dad, I’m sorry, and I hope that you’ll please let me back in the house now. I know that you’ve been divorced for over 20 years, but maybe we can work out a timeshare or something.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

2 Earth Hour Observers Spend 1hr in Darkness With 2 Cats

RCoA and his lovely GF observed Earth Hour tonight at 8:30pm by turning off the lights for one hour. RCoA’s two cats are mostly unaffected, except that Cat #2’s heating blanket is being turned off as well. The other cat doesn’t use electricity. Cities, villages and towns across the world are taking advantage of this event to vocalize their feelings about global warming and the future of worldwide energy. For me it’s a statement against our voracious appetites for energy. In my humble domicile, I am also attempting to reduce other electrical usage in the hut where practical. The folks at EarthHour.org did, for example, encourage bloggers to write live posts about their event, which we would be unable to do if we turned off our routers and DSL modems. I opted to use my laptop battery to power my internets. That should cut down a few watts over the hour… Dare I pull the plug on the refrigerator too? Why not.

 

I’m aware of Earth Hour counter-protesters. I couldn’t really find a cogent argument for why they were doing it, except just to be contrary and to mock the “sheeples.” It’s sort of ironic if the core of your enlightened protest against the sheeples is to do exactly the opposite of what they say. Kinda makes you a knee-jerk anti-sheeple, and I’m not sure which is worse. Most of the sites I accessed seemed to be run either by ultra-conservatives or the anti-Illuminati. The ultra-conservatives usually have their hackles up against anything even remotely liberal, and that’s fair, I guess. Earth Hour seems like a fairly left-wing idea so I guess I understand where they’re coming from. They’re being consistent. But some members of the conservative groups also vocalized tangential protests, like how they would turn on the engines of their gas guzzlers and burn a few steaks on the bbq and smoke cigars as double, triple and quadruple protest! Wow. You tell those liberals! The anti-Illuminati types seemed to be against participating in environmental issues because it is a form of mind-control and possibly a mechanism of that dark New World Order spook. Oh, and there was a presence from the Ayn Rand disciples who essentially perceive Earth Hour to be a suppression of the symbolic achievements mankind has made from cave to skyscraper. An hour of elective darkness against millions of years of mankind? I don’t get the comparison.

 

I’m not a scientist and I don’t have access to the global warming statistics, nor would I know how to interpret them convincingly enough to counter all arguments from either of the groups mentioned above. I do know that America is a gluttonous country that seems to be progressing and consuming far quicker than its infrastructure will allow. Energy has a cost no matter how it is produced, and wasting any bit of it is foolish. Burning coal, a finite resource, to produce electricity is neither a good long-term solution to America’s energy needs nor is it conducive to clean air. I don’t understand how turning on more lights in protest of EarthHour is going to add to national coal stockpiles. Moot if you don’t live in a coal region maybe, but valid if you do. And if you are one of the stogie-puffing chest-thumpers who are snarkily igniting your sport-futility vehicle engines to teach the liberals a lesson, your point has been made, and kudos to you for being wealthy enough to take last year’s ridiculous gas prices on the chin, or to eagerly and freely donate the lives of your corn-fed youth to fight oil wars so that you can retain your god-given right to drive your over-powered urban assault vehicles.

 

Environmentalism as religion is no good, I agree. Environmentalism for many is nothing more than a personal sport and it has roots in the old camping rule, that you leave your campsite in the same or better condition than you found it. The wastrels don’t understand that, and that’s why many Americans hate camping alongside you.

 

RCoA

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Rock On Man!

Rock On Man!

 

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Fahrenheit 451 Cracks My Shit Up!

Fahrenheit 451 cracks me up because that stupid chick Clarisse lies about her age BY ONE YEAR!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! WTF?!!! Who does that? You don’t go from 16 to 17!! You go from 16 to 18. Or even 21! Dude, if I were 16 I’d totally lie to a fireman and tell him that I was 21 so that he’d buy me booze and then we would do it. I’m not exactly saying that *I* want to have sex with a book-burning fireman, I’m just saying that if I were a cute and smart 16 year-old girl with “thoughts in her head” I’d totally lie so maybe I could make my crush come true — the crush I might have on a sexy grown man in a uniform who has a responsible job working for the state or federal government doing something important like burning literature. HAHAHAHAHH!!

 

That guy totally deserves my booty! I’m a cute and smart 16 year-old girl with thoughts in her head who is willing to lie about her sexual age by one year, but maybe up to five years, especially in front of other people! But he’s got to buy me booze first and lots of it, which is why I’d probably lie and tell him that I was 21 at least. Unless he was cool with it, and then I’d just tell him that I was 16 because he’d probably get a real sexual thrill out of that and he’d want to give me more booze and you-know-what. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

 

Also, another thing that makes me laugh LOL bigtime in Fahrenheit 451 is that one of the main guys is named after a fucking pencil (Faber) where the other guy (Guy Montag) is named after a paper company. HAHAHAH!! But Montag (as in Guy Montag) is also discussed in a lot of AP English classes because his name could be considered wordplay on the name Montague from Romeo and Juliet, really? How? Why? I don’t remember!!! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Literature PWNAGE!!!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Note: Sexual relations with anyone under 18 is probably a felony. This post was written for humor purposes and is not to be construed as endorsement of inappropriate sensual shenanigans. Check the laws in your region before misinterpreting a comedy piece or before doing funny things with YOUR piece.

 

Name Abbreviations

It’s not much of a practice these days, but I recently saw a contemporary commercial for a clothier, “Joseph A. Bank,” who abbreviates the name Joseph as “Jos.” It’s fucking ridiculous to abbreviate your name unless you have a really long name with multiple syllables. The Thai tend to have really long surnames, certainly worthy of abbreviation. But even they suck it up and just type the motherfucker out. Maybe it made more sense when you paid by the letter sending telegraphs?

 

“Joseph” doesn’t warrant an abbreviation to “Jos.” because by the time we’re finished, you’ve only saved two characters. Sure, that’s 33.33%, but overall that’s not a big savings because I still have to type almost 67% of your name. If you called yourself Joe we’d be in a better place because we would have saved one extra character over “Jos.” and I wouldn’t have to look at the name “Jos.” and wonder what the fuck it was short for. “Joss?” “Joshua?” “Josephus?” You’re wasting my time!

 

Using “Thos.” instead of “Thomas” is another one that puzzles the shit out of me. What did we save? We got rid of the “mas” but then we added an S and a period. So we only saved 2 characters again. That’s 33.33.% again. Wow. And we’re again at a disadvantage because if you’re like me, you look at the word “Thos.” and wonder how the hell you’re supposed to pronounce it. Do you say Thomas? Do you say Toss? Thoss? And I bet the rules varied from dude to dude.

 

“Geo” as a substitute for “George” is a savings of 50%, but by the time you get through the mental process of figuring out what the guy’s name is short for, you might as well have said his full name a hundred times. Maybe it’s short for Geography. Or Geology. You don’t know and he doesn’t care to tell you. Anyway, it’s a GAIN of 1 syllable going from “George” to “Geo.” Works okay in print, but not in the articulation.

 

I’ve done pretty well with my name. I went from Russell to Russ, reducing my letter usage almost 43% and reducing the syllables by 50%. And I took care not to use extraneous punctuation or other bullshit you don’t need. I’d be fine to reduce it to Rus, but I think that’s pretentious and I don’t need that extra attention.

 

Like I said, nobody really does the name abbreviation anymore, but I’m always mystified by those who did, and I hope they lived a confusing life with plenty of people out there to question and berate them. FAIL!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

The Cops Are Fuckin’ Everywhere!

I was out driving for about an hour today, running errands and such. I must’ve seen four cops pulling people over in various places. Looks like they’re being really pro-active about generating revenue in this shambles economy.

 

If you’re economically disadvantaged, you’d better set your cruise control to 34mph, come to complete stops at lights and signs and use your effing signals ‘cuz otherwise you’re gonna be at an even greater economical disadvantage.

 

I always wondered why traffic tickets aren’t on a sliding scale based on income. Is it equitable that a gardener loses half a week’s pay for blowing a stop light when Halle Berry only has to sacrifice her next designer t-shirt? Do high penalties make poor people better drivers? I used to live in a poorer neighborhood and I never noticed any correlation. I’d like to see the statistics instead of relying solely on anecdote. You know me.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

The Liberry

I’ve left the RussCave for a diversion; I’ve gone to the liberry. I haven’t been to the liberry in several years. A few things stand out.

 

The library is not as quiet as it used to be. Phones are ringing, people are chatting with the librarian, the librarian is chatting back. The librarian is scolding some juveniles for futzing around with the 11-and-under computers when they are obviously 12-and-older. She also reprimanded some younger kids for playing around on some equipment they shouldn’t have been screwing with.

 

Librarians, I guess, are not just experts in library skills. They’re caretakers of the homeless, beacons of friendliness to the lonely, the elderly and the mentally challenged, managers of this useful and noble institution, and they are babysitters too. And security guards.

 

I also noticed that after taking the bus and sitting down at a library table, I already feel like I’m coming down with a cold. Blecch!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Ruby’s Diner

I like Ruby’s. It’s a fun place to visit. Clean, bright, reminiscent of the days of yesteryear. A time when a cute teen waitress in a cute short skirt could be sexually harassed by her employer without anyone saying boo about it. And the food’s really tasty too. I’m a sucker for 1950s themed diners anyway. Love ’em. Can’t get enough of ’em.

 

Ruby’s has always struck me as America’s consolation prize for living way out in the middle of nowhere. If you’re in the BFEs there’s probably a Ruby’s there. It’s like America said, “Well my friend, you live way the fuck out here, and we can tell that you’re trying to put on a sort of cosmopolitan air. You’re not quite a ghost town; You have enough residents to warrant a Starbucks and a Target. We can’t give you any of the really schwanky stuff like Macy’s or Bloomingdale’s or Spago, but we still want you to be a part of American culture, so here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna first send you a Quiznos. If you’re really good and you do right by the people at Quiznos, then we’ll give you a Ruby’s Diner. But you have to be really good and not cause any trouble. Deal?”

 

Sounds like a deal to me. Whenever I’m driving through your bumfuck tract-home insta-village I’ll always make it a point to stop in your consolation restaurant for some curly fries and a side of ranch. Mmm, those skirts are cute!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

HOLY SHIT MY TWITTER IS DOWN!

HOLY SHIT FOLKS, MY TWITTER IS DOWN!

 

I can’t access my Twitter or send a tweets AT ALL! I don’t know what is going on but the WHOLE SYSTEM IS FUCKED and I’m locked out of the Twitters! I’ve tried from two different computers and two different browsers but I can’t log in so I can’t tell you what’s been happening in my life! I’ve blown out the cookies on both computers just in case, but it didn’t do anything.

 

This has been going on for almost 24 hours. It’s ridiculous! Not just today, but yesterday it was going on too! So for two days (yesterday and today) I haven’t been able to tweet about anything!

 

When I go to Twitter and I try to log in the site tells me “Something is technically wrong. Thanks for noticing—we’re going to fix it up and have things back to normal soon.” The site tells me this, but it doesn’t tell me when it’s going to be fixed or what the problem is or if there was anything that I did to cause it.

 

I went to the Twitter status page but there’s no mention of any problems in the last few days, so whatever is causing this problem Twitter probably doesn’t even know about it yet because there’s no mention of it in their status update thing. That really bothers me because it means that it’s going to keep me out and it’s going to prevent everybody from knowing my tweets.

 

Anyway, in case anybody was worried about me and was curious why I hadn’t done a tweet message in the last 24 hours it’s because I CANNOT because Twitter is saying that something is wrong with my account when I try to log into the account (mine.) Don’t worry, because I can still find my page and my links to all of the people I follow and I can check on each of you to make sure that you’re okay.

 

I will post some of my tweets here just in case, so you can know what I’m doing and so you don’t miss anything. Sorry in advance that the formatting may not be perfect, but I’m in a pickle here. As soon as my account is back up again you can continue to Follow me on the Twitter website! again and you can see all of the perfect formatting just like you’re used to it at Twitter, okay?

 

Here is where all of my temporary Twitter posts (tweets) will be for now until I can work out this trouble with the support team.

 

March 23 2009 @ 6:10pm:
Finished a blog post about how I cannot access Twitter because something is wrong with my login info or something and twitter isn’t helping.

 

March 23 2009 @ 6:17pm:
Had a friend fill out a service request on the Twitter website on my behalf. Not sure if that’s better than sending the email to support tho

 

March 23 2009 @ 6:18pm:
Settling down for a cold diet coke, some orville redenbacher and some television like tim and eric awesome show

 

March 23 2009 @ 6:29pm:
Bit into a popcorn kernel and it kind of hurt. LOL i wanted to call it a popcorn colonel ’cause he conquered my mouth! hahaha! PWNAGE hahah!

 

March 23 2009 @ 6:31pm:
still can’t log into Twitter. I keep trying just in case but I doubt that anything is going to change w/o intervention

 

March 23 2009 @ 6:32pm:
tried logging in on my other computer again just in case but nothing sorry. Come here if you want to get the latest tweets

 

March 23 2009 @ 7:17pm:
No LOLz here: I’m eating Corn Nuts & they R stale. New pack, not opened/expired. Filipino cornnick is way better!

 

March 24 2009 @ 5:31pm:
Still no LOLz: Twitter still broken & nobody @ Twitter cares that my Twitter is broken & I can’t send Tweets & everyone’s worried i’m dead.

 

March 24 2009 @ 11:08pm:
Listening to Hall&Oates wondering when these shitpiss Twitter goons will fix my shit. Fix the shit, you shitpiss goons! Fix!

 

March 25 2009 @ 3:23am:
Twitter hates my fuckin’ guts! They’ve locked me out and I can’t get in and nobody knows I’m alive ‘cuz ‘fuck me to hell, I’m dead!

 

March 25 2009 @ 1:08pm:
Twitter hasn’t even assigned my serv req to a rep yet. I’m doomed. Pls don’t forget about me, everyone! I’m not dead!

 

March 25 2009 @ 1:11pm:
doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, I’m doomed.

 

March 25 2009 @ 1:12pm:
All of the people who follow me are totally going to forget me! I’ll have to start the friendships over from scratch, Twitter! Help! PLZ!!!!

 

March 25 2009 @ 4:09pm:
w/Twitter hating me I had to go to the public liberry to feel like I was making a human connection. Weird greasy people here. Yuks. fix fixx!

 

March 25 2009 @ 6:20pm:
Liberry suck’d&was loud&dirty&the twitter case still hasnt’ gone anywhere they’re not listening to me & I’ll never get it back sighhhh

 

March 26 2009 @ 12:23pm:
One of my followers mine requested that his followers launch a DDoS against Twitter. Serves them right. But he only knows 20 people. Shit!

 

March 26 2009 @ 12:40pm:
Facebook friends nagging me to update Tweets. See Twitter-Jerks? You can’t leave people hanging for 3+ days. There are real consequences!

 

March 26 2009 @ 9:17pm:
Ain’t this about a motherfucker. I’m back.

 

March 26 2009 @ 9:27pm:
Fuck you Twitter. Almost 4 days with no response to support request. Fuck you. Resetting my PW worked, no thanks to your fucker asses.

 

March 26 2009 @ 9:30pm:
Extra Thx to Marcus Piller a user at getsatisfaction.com who pitched the PW reset idea.Thanks Marcus. Fuck you up the ass,Twitter HelpDesk!!

 

March 26 2009 @ 9:35pm:
Not that it matters. All of my friends are gone. They’ve forgotten me. I have to start from scratch, Twitter Help Desk! From scratch!

 

March 26 2009 @ 9:38pm:
My last post here: Out of great enmity for Twitter, I’m not going to withdraw my HD request or send follow-up email. Suits the jerks right.

 

April 2 2009 @ 2:15am:
I’m no longer having trouble logging into Twitter, but wanted to mention that my helpdesk tickets are still open and unassigned 8 days later

 

April 6 2009 @ 11:28am:
2wks later, get auto-reply from Twitter HD: “We’re backlogged.” Wish I spoke another language so I could curse them out passionately.

 

April 6 2009 @ 11:29am:
“MARATCH VERKOSH ARA MEECH DOQHOZI TWITTER HELP DESK VATASH LAJUNE BARACH CHADRAMIJAQ 2 WEEK NERA MODDERBATCH COCK THE SUCKER!”

 

April 7 2009 @ 12:32pm:
Finally got a response from Charles at Twitter.

    Hi Russ,
    It appears that you have successfully logged into your account again. Please let us know if you continue to experience further issues. Thanks!

 

ASSHOLE MODDERBATCH! WHERE IS MY JUSTICE?!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Red Bull

Red Bull doesn’t actually give you wings.

 

It gives you heart palpitations. Not quite the same thing.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Dick Tracy Excerpts

In the late 70s, early 1980s, My pops bought an awesome Dick Tracy shadowbox art thingy. Not sure what to call it. Chrome frame, colorful background with a painted foreground glass thingy. It lived in the bathroom at my home in east Hollywood for many years until I eventually conned him into giving it to me for my first apartment. It’s got a few seemingly disjointed Dick Tracy comics in the background, with a simple ultra close-up shot of Dick Tracy in the foreground talking into his awesome wrist communicator.

 

 

 

 

Fong Lee on every tongue, eh?

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Cartels “Competely Out Of Hand” – Boycott Foreign Narcotics Already!

President Barack Obama of America recently said, Mexican cartels are “completely out of hand.”

 

I could write a whole thingy about Mexican cartels, but everything you need to know is found at this blog post I wrote weeks ago! I agree with whatever our beloved president of America currently says re: foreign narcotics! And further, I’m encouraging you to do your fucking part and BOYCOTT FOREIGN NARCOTICS already! Insist ONLY upon domestically grown narcotics, fight a good war on terror and drugs, support our domestic economy, get honest American drug dealers back on the streets and do your part to bring up America! Join The Foreign Narcotics Boycott Facebook Group if you want to meet individuals who share your enlightened perspective!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America