Answers To Your Jackoff Queries 2

Hi! It’s me again and I’m here with another exciting episode of Jackoff Queries. As you know from the last round, I check my blog stats often and I see a lot of questions from the various hapless wits who ask Google and Yahoo and Ask.com various jackoff-related questions. These poor souls wind up at my site in search of answers, since I once made the grave mistake of satirically naming my blog 400% More Jackoff Magic. I’m not aware of any official body that oversees jackoff issues, so I have a sense of duty to try to address at least a few of the queries that find their way to my office. I would like to stress that my blog is not intended to deal with these issues full-time or on any regular basis. But, this is a humor blog, and I think this is pretty good fodder, in spite of how people are thrusting their jackoff onto me.

 

With no further ado, the second round of jackoff Q and A.

 

Q: how to jack off your dog
R: Whatever you do, don’t! What if he mauled you to death? You can’t get into heaven covered in dog spunk, (Leviticus 18:42). Or even worse, what if he mauled you to paralysis, but you were still living? Your parents would come home and you’d be covered in dog spunk and boy would YOU have some questions to answer! Also you don’t want to lose your dog’s respect. Jack off someone else’s dog if you have to, but only with the permission of the owner. And PETA.

 

Q: is it gay if jack off with a friend
R: Yes, but with an explanation. I’ve said numerous times that boys under the age of 12 are essentially gay. That tends to change upon reaching puberty when their voices change, they start acting a little cooler and don’t dress and sound like an overzealous fairy anymore. I think young men should be afforded carte blanche gayness until they turn 18, when they can reset their sexuality clocks. But that’s your only shot. After that, if you’re jacking off with other guys watching, you’re gay forever!

 

Q: how to get your friend to jack off with you
R: Communication.

 

Q: i need a buddy to jack off with
R: Good news, the guy right before you seems receptive. I’ll put you two in touch.

 

Q: magic jack off
R: Yapple dapple!

 

Q: what happens if you jackoff to much?
R: You’ll be late for school.

 

Q: jack off only while sitting down
R: I’m not a big fan of accepting anecdotal evidence for matters of science — things related to the supernatural, mysterious power of the mind, alternative medicine, etc — but this is exactly the kind of question that can be answered by your own anecdotal evidence without searching for an official ruling online. Did you try it? Did it work for you? Great. That’s jackoff science.

 

Q: how to get the most pleasure jacking off
R: Flex really hard, then stick your finger in your navel and sniff it. Spank your buttcheek eight times, stand up really quickly and sit down again. That should do the trick.

 

Q: bouncy balls up anus
R: Seriously? How did you manage to pull that one off?

 

Q: smoking weed vs masturbating
R: I didn’t think that it was ever a competition, but if I had to recommend one, I’d probably go with masturbating. Especially if you have a mid-term coming up.

 

Q: nadya suleman toes
R: This question again? Who the hell keeps looking for her toes?

 

Q: jerking off with my doctor
R: I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed to do that. It may not be explicitly stated in the oath, but I’m sure that it’s implied.

 

Q: what happen after you jack off
R: I pray that she doesn’t wake up right away.

 

Q: ways to jackoff on an exercise ball
R: Sorry chief, there’s only one way to jackoff on an exercise ball. Any other way is wrong and you need to stop doing it.

 

Q: do you have to jerk off at the doctors
R: No, it’s totally optional. But if you do, they’ll refund your co-pay.

 

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. This blog is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

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