Not sure about you, but I’m not always in a bloody rush to get to Starbucks so I can juice myself up with caffeine, run bollocks errands and sit in traffic. Sometimes I take it slow. Real slow. Not when I walk, because I do that fast, because ostensibly I’m trying to get somewhere, yes? But if I’m lazing about the domicile or such, and I have to paint the porcelain yellow, I don’t mind sitting down for a few seconds and flipping through the National Geo. Sometimes I like a nice, leisurely no-pressure leak and I like to sit down to do it. Is that a problem? Is that effeminate? Don’t I have a choice? Didn’t you ever take a leak while standing, and it was so rewarding that your eyes rolled back into your head and you got dizzy and had to brace yourself against the wall? Sure, maybe you were drunk at the time, but still, didn’t it feel good? Wouldn’t it have felt better if you were seated? You probably wouldn’t know because you were too afraid of the implications to your masculinity to try it.
I definitely don’t have to sit while peeing. I definitely don’t do it all the time. I do it on nice quiet occasions. I certainly can pee standing up and I have for decades. In my lifetime micturation narrative, I’ve peed in urinals, toilets and troughs. I’ve wizzed on walls, in bushes and on cars. Empty polystyrene cups, Gatorade, Mickey’s Malt Liquor and Olde English 800 bottles have all proven to be precious porta-pisspots in a pinch. I’ve made water in the sink, in the tub, off of the porch, the roof, in a parking garage, and into a floor drain. I’ve peed in the snow, the dirt, the grass, into fire, the ocean, a box of cat litter, a hole in the ground, in outhouses and I’ve even pissed while in motion, walking down the middle of the bloody street late at night. And I did it all while standing up. So I have some manner of expertise on the issue and I am willing to be the beacon of acceptance in a foggy sea of sexist stereotypes. If you are a man and you wish to have a leisurely slash while sitting on a toilet, that’s abso-fucking-lutely okay. Take your time in life. Relax. Set a spell. Just don’t fall into the toilet bowl.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
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