Archive for April 2009

GM Auto Bailout Restructure Plan

Dear GM and Other Dying American Auto Companies,

 

I know you didn’t hire me, but this is a freebie. KNX1070 recently broadcast that GM offered a shit ton of stock to the government in exchange for picking up the tab on half of your debt while you guys restructure. I balance this latest news against decades of bad news stories surrounding your company: Plant closures, auto-worker strikes, etc. My age long impression of GM is that it is constantly struggling to survive and keep its employees employed, almost for the sake of keeping them employed. What the hell would the government want with an epic fail car company?

 

I’m neither an economist nor a auto-enthusiast. I’m a consumer and a humor writer, and my only two qualifications to write this is that I’m literate and that I made a conscious choice a few years back to NOT buy a GM product. So here are my recommendations to you GM, and in fact to ALL American automobile companies in a similar boat, and I guess to the US Government who may or may not soon be half partners with Godawful Mess. So let’s start with the idea that you are able to land your favored deals with the government for bailout. Now what?

 

* Cut the bloat! A bad economy should encourage competitive labor. Salary caps for brain-dead jobs regardless of the Read more

Tea Leoni Mouth


DOCTOR: Mrs. Dibetto, I need you to sit down.
DIBETTO: Why, what’s the matter?
DOCTOR: I really think you should sit down. I have bad news.
DIBETTO: What is it? What’s the matter with me? Did the test results come back negative?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid they did. It appears that you have…
DIBETTO: What, Doctor? What do I have?
DOCTOR: You have… Damn, I can’t bring myself to say it.
DIBETTO: Doctor, You must be strong! I can handle it. Tell me what is wrong with me!
DOCTOR: You’ve got… You’ve got a very serious disease!
DIBETTO: Oh dear god! What sort of disease? What’s wrong with me?
DOCTOR: Dammit, Lucille — You have Tea Leoni mouth!
DIBETTO: NOOOOOOoooooo!!!!!!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

“I Owe You An Apology”

CONVERSATIONS THE WAY THEY OUGHTA GO:

 

“I owe you an apology.”
“Okay, let’s hear it.”
“What?”
“You owe me an apology.”
“Right.”
“So let’s hear it.”
“Hear what?”
“The apology.”
“I just gave it to you.”
“No, you said that you owe me an apology. You didn’t actually GIVE me an apology. If I said that I owed you twenty bucks, does that mean I gave you twenty bucks?”
“No. I’m sorry.”

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Lesser-Known Books From The Bible

Did you ever see anyone cite a book from the bible that you’d never heard before? WTF: Nahum? Habakkuk? Obadiah? Haggai? Titus?

 

Yeah, obviously I’m not as familiar with The Great Book as you are. I’m just a little surprised that I’ve never heard of Nahum. Mebbe it’s because zealots never hold up signs at sporting events with obscure bible citations.

 

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That Nasty Freezer Smell

What the hell is that nasty freezer smell? I know it can’t be food because for the first 2 years after purchasing my brand new refrigerator I didn’t use the freezer for anything except for a big bag of ice that sat there for 2 years, and to make the occasional ice cubes in an ice cube tray. In that span of time, you could totally smell that freezer smell inside the freezer. Weird. And then I stopped making ice cubes for a while (it was winter) but I’d left the trays inside of the freezer. When I tried making ice cubes again, they were fucking horrible! Nasty! Weirdly pungent but not quite in a rotten meat way. Like, ultimate stale smell or something. I threw out the cubes and put the trays back in the freezer because I had nowhere else to put them, then began using the freezer a little more normally over the next few years.

 

This past weekend my bebbeboo saw that I was about to throw out the ice trays and she asked me why. I explained that it was because they smelled like freezer and you can’t get that smell out. She said that all I had to do was wash ’em, and so she starts washing ’em. With soap and everything! When she was done, she took a big sniff, yelled “EEEEWW!!” and threw the trays in the recycling bag.

 

What the hell is that nasty freezer smell?

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

My Cats Don’t Know My Name

I don’t know what research they’ve done on their own when I’m not around, but I’m fairly certain my cats have no idea what my name is. How could they? We’ve never been formally introduced and we’ve never sat down to have a decent conversation. We’re just roommates. Roommates who sleep together.

 

I’m pretty sure they just think of me as “that big beige cat” or “that guy” or “the big cat” or something simple. They’re not too bright. A few minutes ago one of them was licking the carpet where he puked two days ago. Yes, I cleaned it. With chemicals, too. But he was still licking at it as though it were fish jerky impregnated carpet. Cats are stupid.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Movie Piracy And Really Bad Morality

Movie piracy is just not right. People work very hard to create a quality product like the Wolverine movie and it is not cool to steal that movie called Wolverine just because someone took it and turned it into a torrent so that you can steal it. You’re not special. Why do you get to see it when nobody else does? You didn’t work on it! Did you make his knives? Did you grow his sideburns or do his sit-ups? Did they invite you to have a private screening? No, they did NOT invite you to a private screening! What, you plan to never pay for a movie again? Just everything for free? “Gimme gimme gimme and I won’t give anything back!” Or do you have some stupid Read more

RCoA Takes A Home Pregnancy Test

I recently purchased a U-Check pregnancy test at the 99 Cent Store. Awesome, because it’s 99% accurate. 99 cents = 99% accurate. That’s fair! That’s a penny per percent. HAHAHA! That’s hard to say! Try it! A penny per percent. HAHAHA! Maybe you’d like something closer to 99.9% accuracy, but that’s not a deal-breaker for me though because for the price of ONE of the more accurate tests out there, I can buy 10 of these cheapo ones. That’s like 990% accuracy! In the commercials for the more expensive brands they say that pregnancy tests can be hard to read. Let’s find out together! Women’s health is everybody’s business so I’mma walk through the steps of taking a home pregnancy test.

 

STEP 1: Familiarize Yourself With The Product
Take a good look at the front and all sides of the box. Familiarize yourself with the product and read the detailed instructions. If you are English-Spanish bilingual, read both sets of instructions. Be mindful of any expiration dates imprinted on the box.

 

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Sit-Com Laws (A)

If a sit-com character is from Sweden, his or her name must be Sven, Inga, Ingrid or Ingmar. It’s the law.

 

If a Latina appears in a sit-com as a subordinate character, she is likely to be a model or a cleaning lady. Regardless of her profession, her name will be something like Juanita, Lupe, Pilar, Hilda or Maria. If it is a man, his name will be Jesus, Juan, Eduardo or Jose. It’s the law.

 

Black people must be doctors, executives or lawyers. Their names will no longer be Leroy, Rastus or Buckwheat. It’s the law.

 

If there is a fat, dopey protagonist, his wife needs to be really hot and smart. Sarcastic and cynical is a plus. It’s the law.

 

An elderly woman should be either Read more

Scavenger Hunt 2: The Dollar Store

Another round of fun dollar store finds.

 

Are these coins really ginormous? Yeah, they’re pretty ginormous. Cool side-note, for about a buck they give you about a buck’s worth of ginormous coins. Two quarters, a few dimes, some nickels and pennies. Warning! Choking hazard! If you have a baby with a ginormous throat, you Read more

Four Reasons To Legalize Pot

In 1943 legendary jazz drummer Gene Krupa was accused and convicted of some rinky-dink pot possession charge. This marijuana charge stuck with him for the remainder of his life and, to some degree, forever tarnished his reputation.

 

Now, I want you to watch the following four videos. Let’s assume that Krupa was high as shit on marijuana drugs when Read more

Lies I’ve Told The IRS

You probably fudge the IRS a little bit when you do your taxes, right?

 

So do I. Only I don’t fudge the numbers, I fudge the text. For about a decade I’ve been lying to the government about my occupation. I don’t consider it a breach of my sworn assertion of accuracy, because my signature appears before the occupation. As far as I’m concerned, I’m only attesting to the accuracy of everything that appears BEFORE my signature, not after it. Occupation appears after the sig, and occupation is a completely optional inclusion.

 

 

So I filed my taxes via TeleFile in 2004, 2003, 2001, 2000 and 1999, so that’s why the missing data, but I swear that if they had given me an opportunity to drum up a fake profession, I would have done so each year. I looked forward to it. I do recall in more liberating times listing my occupation as Thug, Comedian, Harlequin and possibly even Pimp another year. It’s so difficult to remember. We’re talking about almost a full decade of irreverence, please remember.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Trust

If there’s one group I absolutely do not trust, it’s people.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

‘Big Butts Lobby’, It’s Time To Die

There is a conspiracy amidst a small group of white people to make sure that Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” remains at the forefront of our pop consciousness for the rest of time, because apparently it is the funniest and most creative hip-hop song white America has ever heard, and the Big Butt lobbyists want you to remember that forever.

 

I noticed that every few months, as an answer to dead air or to sell some stupid product that doesn’t need asses associated with it (like hamburgers) or as a need for a stronger comedy beat in a movie or TV show, “Baby Got Back” appears. It shows up out of the blue without any sort of context. It’s as though some asshole hack piece-of-shit writer, producer, director or network executive said at the pitch meeting, “Okay, this Read more

My One Question For Michael Jackson

If I had one chance in my life to ever ask Michael Jackson a single question it would be:

    If you could pay $1,000,000 to get your original face back, would you?

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America