‘Big Butts Lobby’, It’s Time To Die

There is a conspiracy amidst a small group of white people to make sure that Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” remains at the forefront of our pop consciousness for the rest of time, because apparently it is the funniest and most creative hip-hop song white America has ever heard, and the Big Butt lobbyists want you to remember that forever.

 

I noticed that every few months, as an answer to dead air or to sell some stupid product that doesn’t need asses associated with it (like hamburgers) or as a need for a stronger comedy beat in a movie or TV show, “Baby Got Back” appears. It shows up out of the blue without any sort of context. It’s as though some asshole hack piece-of-shit writer, producer, director or network executive said at the pitch meeting, “Okay, this scene (or promo, trailer, commercial) really sucks, but instead of cutting it, we’ll throw in a little gimmick. After our leading lady comes out of the room, we’ll play Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’!” And then, I guess, everybody at the pitch session laughs hysterically and strokes that guy’s ego instead of standing up and yelling at that asshole, “MOTHERFUCKER, THAT IS A STUPID IDEA! THAT SONG IS TOTALLY FUCKING PLAYED OUT AND THERE’S NO WAY WE’RE GOING TO USE IT!” Like, if they want to have a song about asses, why not LL Cool J’s “Big Ole Butt”? Right? That’s a song about asses. Or Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottoms”? You dig what I’m sayin’?

 

Maybe I was being rash, I thought when I became fixated on this conspiracy theory, but when I saw the recent controversial SpongeBob Squarepants Burger King commercial where all the womenfolk have sponge-shaped posteriors, accompanied by that stupid song, I started to think that there might be some meat on my conspiracy theory bones after all, that my theory had “back” to it. Uncreative overuse of an archetypal song for commercial purposes isn’t without precedent by any means, because I’m sure you’ve noticed how many movie trailers have used James Brown’s “I Feel Good” or James Thorogood’s “Bad To The Bone” or how many commercials have featured Iggy Pop’s “Lust For Life”, The Ramones’ “Blitzkrieg Bop”, Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumper” or that god-awful “All Star” by Smash Mouth. AIIGGGHHH!!

 

What is the fascination with the Big Butts song? Maybe it’s an academic fascination that white people have with the absurdity of it? Maybe they discuss it in AP English as teens and they carry that fascination with them into their pitch meetings when they’re trying to make it in Hollywood as adults? Maybe it’s the only rap song that middle-aged white people remember off the top of their head aside from Will Smith’s “Getting Jiggy With It”? Maybe these white-skinned Hollywood fat cats secretly lust for big butts but are afraid of the stigma affixed to their passion because it contradicts the white woman beauty aesthetic of buttless scrawn. And thus the fat cats make light of it every chance they get, hoping that one day their plumper passion will be accepted? Paul McCartney knows what I’m talking about. He told a flat-bootied Loretta to “get [some] back” in the Beatles hit “Back in the USSR,” which was obviously a song about Russian women who have no ass.

 

I don’t have all of the answers. But to all the members of The Big Butts Lobby, you must die. Stick a straw in a tall glass of booty shake and choke, motherfuckers. Your tired ideas are not funny or amusing anymore.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

For the world’s juiciest booties, Click Here!

 

 

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2 comments

  1. Nicks says:

    AHAHAHAHA!! Check it out, yo – so appropriate!!
    http://www.brokenpicturetelephone.com/view?id=26834

    Speaking of bum-bums, I like delicious, round half-Irish, half-Puerto Rican asses. Ok, just ONE in particular, but yeah… thought I’d mention it.

  2. The Main Man says:

    That’s a great BPT thread. Love it! Great penguin! I’m such a dipshit though, I accidentally gave you negative points. I really don’t like BPT’s interface. Too easy to screw up. I also accidentally gave you a Simon award. I’m such a dolt.

    PS: If you keep saying saucy things like that in public people are going to think you’re just a figment of my imagination.

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