This Rambo post has nothing to do with the ridiculous sequel numbering as exposed in The Rambonacci Sequence.
Okay, so last night while flipping channels I caught a glimpse of the final five minutes of one of the earlier films starring Sylvester Stallone in the role of a guy named John Rambo. Anyways, it was really sexually gay because he’s all topless and he’s oiled up and greazy and muscular and sweaty and wearing a dirty red headband and he walks slowly into a remote office/hangar place with his giant machine gun and he ejaculates lead all over the surveillance equipment, totally ruining it. There’s seemingly no end to his full release as he fires off his heavy load, aiming his weapon at the ceiling and spraying more of his ammo, eventually emptying his supply into the rafters as he groans and grunts passionately.
Rambo makes his way into an adjoining room to meet up with a frightened authority figure. I don’t know his rank, but I think he was probably a colonel or a (cough cough) “Staff” Sergeant. This man’s powder blue military shirt is soaked all the way to the skin with sweat and clinging tightly to his body as Rambo approaches (still sweaty and greazy and muscular.) John Rambo pulls his knife out of its sheath and saunters up to the scared guy, slamming the scared guy down hard onto the table. Shivering, the guy shudders and sweats while he’s on his back, blubbering as though it’s his first time. While dominating him from above, Rambo tells the scared guy that he knows “there are other guys still out there.” and that the scared guy better “bring them back” or Rambo “will find [him].” Rambo then takes his big sharp knife and stabs it at the guys head, but it gets all sticky in the the desk near his head. The scared guy looks at Rambo’s giant tool with great fear as Rambo pulls out.
In the next shot, Rambo is seen walking out of the hangar, shirtless, sweaty, greazy, muscular, wearing high-waisted jungle pants, heading back past the remnants of his sexual destruction, back to his life, as gay as it must be. Colonel Trautman offers Rambo some special recognition. Rambo declines, saying that the young boys he left behind need it and deserve it far more than he does.
That was, bar-none, five of the most unintentionally gayest minutes I’ve ever seen in a Hollywood motion picture.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
PS: I want to apologize for the second Rambo post within a month. That’s unintentionally gay.
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