RCoA Takes A Home Pregnancy Test

I recently purchased a U-Check pregnancy test at the 99 Cent Store. Awesome, because it’s 99% accurate. 99 cents = 99% accurate. That’s fair! That’s a penny per percent. HAHAHA! That’s hard to say! Try it! A penny per percent. HAHAHA! Maybe you’d like something closer to 99.9% accuracy, but that’s not a deal-breaker for me though because for the price of ONE of the more accurate tests out there, I can buy 10 of these cheapo ones. That’s like 990% accuracy! In the commercials for the more expensive brands they say that pregnancy tests can be hard to read. Let’s find out together! Women’s health is everybody’s business so I’mma walk through the steps of taking a home pregnancy test.

 

STEP 1: Familiarize Yourself With The Product
Take a good look at the front and all sides of the box. Familiarize yourself with the product and read the detailed instructions. If you are English-Spanish bilingual, read both sets of instructions. Be mindful of any expiration dates imprinted on the box.

 

 

 

 

STEP 2: Brush-Up On Test Procedure
I know it’s only been about a minute since you familiarized yourself with the test instructions, but after opening the box, take another second to review the graphics on the test kit envelope. Make sure you understand the directions. Remember, it’s 4 drops of urine in the round well, per the instructions.

 

 

STEP 3: Unpack Contents
Carefully open the test kit envelope and remove the items. Do not eat the dessicant packet — you don’t need that kind of drama in your life. The tape measure is not required for this step. I included the tape measure in this photo to satisfy any curiosity you might have about the size of the components inside.

 

 

STEP 4: Look At The Test Strip
The test strip is the most important part of the product because it’s gonna tell you whether or not you’ve got a big, big problem. Take a second to look at it and to understand what each portion is designed to do. Do you know what “C” means? Do you know what “T” means? Do you know what “S” means? If you are confused, refer to the detailed instructions on the back of the box. It may be helpful to have a rudimentary understanding of scientific terms such as “control”, “test” and “sample”, but it’s not necessary.

 

 

STEP 5: Prepare A Tub Of Urine
Urinate into a vessel. I have chosen a tub of cottage cheese. All of the cottage cheese has been eaten, but I did that long before I peed into it. I’ve also cleaned the inside of the tub very well, dried it, and kept it hidden from anybody I suspected of being pregnant. I used a cottage cheese container because I didn’t want any of my friends to see that I used one of my household drinking glasses for the urine because then they’d never want a glass of water or anything and I didn’t have anything else. So you should probably do something like that too. The directions recommend that you use the first urine of the morning, but that’s not mandatory.

 

 

STEP 6: Prime The Urine Dropper
Extract from your tub of urine a sample of urine. Because I don’t want any trouble from those nutsos who made Janet Jackson’s nipples illegal, I will only say that the liquid in this dropper may or may not be urine. (It is.)

 

 

STEP 7: Apply The Urine
Add the required drops of urine to the sample area. Refer to the directions for the appropriate amount of urine and for detailed info on where to drop it. More than likely the directions are going to want you to drop it in the area denoted by the “S” for sample.

 

 

 

STEP 8: Evaluate Your Work
Did you put the urine in the right place? Now is a good time to double-check. Don’t worry if you got a cat hair stuck on the dropper by accident and if there’s residual urine clinging to it in little beads. Unless it’s a pregnant cat. If it is the hair of a pregnant cat, you should scrap the project and start again because you don’t need that kind of drama in your life. Cost = $0.99

 

 

 

STEP 9: Set Your Timer
In 1-3 minutes you should see a result on your test strip. According to the instructions, the results are only accurate for 10 minutes, which is why it’s important to set your timer and to hurry up and look at your results as quickly as you can, but don’t rush too fast because you just gotta chill for a second.

 

 

STEP 10: Verify Your Results
Look at your test strip and compare it to the guide on the back of the box or on the test kit envelope.

 

 

 

Congratulations to me! I am *NOT* pregnant and I don’t have to worry about having a big, big problem. Maybe next time.

 

So was this test easy to use as advertised on the box? Yes.
Did I get results in 1 to 3 minutes? Yes I did.
Could I use it at any time of day? Well, it worked for me at 6pm.

 

I’d say that this product has exceeded my expectations by one percent, because in my case it was 100% accurate. I am *not* pregnant, because I am a man. Your mileage may vary though.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

For more fun, check out:
Online Pregnancy Test

 

 

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4 comments

  1. Nicks says:

    I’ll just have to work harder next time.

  2. The Main Man says:

    If you give me an ass-baby, I’ll name it Brownie just like I promised.

  3. i’d buy said kit if it came with the alligator clips. . .is there a gag pregnancy kit to give during a bridal shower? i smell growth industry!

  4. The Main Man says:

    Gag pregnancy test isn’t all too bad of an idea if there isn’t one already.

    No matter what liquid you put into the thing, it comes up positive.

    Maybe even more specific predictive text. “It’s a: GIRL” “It’s a: BOY He’ll grow up to be: GAY”

    R

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