Archive for May 2009

Eight Exciting Ways I’d Like To Fuck Martha Stewart For Christmas

 

1) Martha’s shapely ass glows softly from the opaque morning light seeping through the window of the quaint Cape Cod bungalow as I do her from behind.

 

2) Martha mounts me in a gorgeous oak four-post bed. The weight of her body and an ornamental wreath hung around her neck pushes me deeper into the familiar comfort of the delicate goose-down duvet. We have sex in the Read more

The Hating Tree

 

Click the image for a larger version of my whimsical, violent parody cover of Shel Silverstein’s perfect, beautiful book about selflessness, The Giving Tree.

 

If you want to see this selfish jerk get the most of what this resentful tree has to offer, please Stumble, Digg, Reddit, Facebook, Myspace and ReTweet this post. Once I get 12 trillion hits, I’ll have leverage to get an agent, do the whole book, sell it to a company that’s not afraid of parodies, and live the rest of my days making ball-busting short animated flicks like Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Now I know you’re all amped up and excited to buy the original book. Give in! It’s the best book ever!

 

Two Minutes Max Before I Drop The Fonz Bomb On Henry

After meeting Henry Winkler, how long does the average person last before he mentions The Fonz? They probably had the best intentions before introducing themselves, even if they were completely daft to matters of tact and propriety, but I bet that it’s only a matter of what, three minutes max, before the average person mentions The Fonz after meeting Henry Winkler? Shit, I’d be lucky to go two whole minutes without saying anything Fonz-related. And I’m talking about if you met him by chance at your cousin’s wedding at the buffet, not at a TV and Film expo or something where he’s signing autographs.

I’m not one to be starstruck. I stopped collecting autographs when I was a little kid. Big whoop for me, I’ve met a few celebrities and have had a few chances to shake my jawbone at them for a little bit and have been unmotivated to collect an autograph unless it were someone like Read more

Opium In The Communal Garden

I’ve got a big bucket of compost brewing, 2 catnip plants, some tomatoes, bell peps, cukes, green onions, ficuses, basil, rosemary, lavender, jasmine, some stupid ferns, a couple of spider plants and two philodendrons — I’m a a bloody farmer! And I’d grow opium in the community garden if I thought nobody would swipe it. I’d go out there every morning in my robes, dismount my camel, and toil in the 14’x4′ plot all day, tending to the rows of poppies. Let’s bring heroin back to American soil again! Our two most precious resources, oil and heroin we buy from the middle-east. I’m telling you America, we’ve got to get wise about these things or they will be our undoing…

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Graffiti Bitch Oner

Have you ever been a tagger’s victim? Has your property ever been used as a canvas for your nation’s troubled urban canned-paint scribes?

 

Does it infuriate you? Haven’t you ever wanted to get some spraypaint and Read more

Ren Faire Motto

Ren Faire:

 

“Where even the fugly ones will make it into your spank bank.”

 

Google Image Search

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Manzanita Gold

This is a gun. Criminals have guns. So do heroes. This gun belongs to a hero.

 

 

This man is a hero. He helps keep thing safe. To help him keep things safe, he Read more

Give The Holy Land To The Archaeologists

It’s pretty obvious that none of the zealots who claim ownership of the traditional Holy Land are capable of managing the land with integrity and in keeping with the allegedly elevated sense of honor and humanity that you would expect of religious folk.

 

So I propose we move the Jews to New York, the Palestinians to Luxembourg, and hand over the entire plot of land to archaeologists, who would know how to treat, to study and to protect those ancient relics. Maybe even get National Geographic involved for the photography!

 

And then of course we’d give the archaeologists a few nukes in case anybody tries any monkeyshines!

 

It’s just a thought!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Scamming

I remember when making out was called “scamming.”

 

“Did you and Blanca do it?”
“Naw dude, we just scammed.”
“Just scammed? That’s it?”
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t even trying to do anything more than that. I just scammed with her to get back at my ex for scamming with Jose.”
“When did she scam with Jose?”‘
“Right after we broke up, homes. You remember. It was at El Boxer’s party. I mean, we were technically broken up, but it was still bullshit that she scammed with him because he’s a punk-ass. And anyway, Blanca’s older sister came home early so we had to stop.”
“You think you’ll scam on her again?”
“Naw. We’ll just do it. We already had the foreplay.”

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

PC Turbo Button

Do you remember when PCs used to have a “TURBO” button? What the hell was it for? The button had two settings, right? Selected and UNselected. Turbo and UNturbo. There was usually a little round light next to the button that would indicate Turbo was turned on. Or if you were really lucky and had a deluxe PC, there was a green LED readout that would jump from something like 13 to 26 when you pressed TURBO. I never understood that shit. Under what circumstances would Read more

Green Earth Tip #6

6)
Caring about your environment isn’t limited to recycling and alternative fuels. Caring about your environment includes the aesthetics as well. Nothing kills the spirit of a good neighborhood like graffiti, but police department resources are often incapable of making graffiti enforcement a priority, especially in bigger cities where more serious crimes are being committed. So it is important that citizens Read more

Spending Time With Foreign Television

Whenever I go to an exotic new land such as Belize or Costa Rica, or even just a different city such as San Diego, I like to spend some time with their local television programming. I like to see what kinds of channels they have , what their “Channel 2 1/2 Action News Breaking News” graphics look like and whether or not the Read more

Saved By The Bell Reunion Treatment Rough Draft

Pick up the Motorola Brick, Zack — Hollywood’s calling.

 

Thanks in part to Jimmy Fallon’s Petition, I just got word that a Saved By The Bell reunion is possible according to Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Awesome. I can wipe the drool off of the vinyl and get back to my regular schedule, i.e. trying to remember how many As there are in Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Three? Four? Fuck if I know.

 

I’m not one to waste any time getting to work, so here’s my first beat sheet for the reunion treatment. Now, I can’t remember who was dating or married or whatever on their last episode, and I didn’t watch The College Years very closely, so instead of doing research, I’m going to start from scratch. Let’s call it a Saved By The Bell brand reboot Read more

The Handsome Chronicles – part 8

The humidity today was 12% and I left my lip balm at home while out on a very important handsome mission. Okay, it’s more of a gloss than a balm, but still I left it at home and I was suffering all day because my gorgeous lips started to flake up and some of those horrible scratchy pieces of dried lip started to stick up and they began cutting at my upper lip. I kept licking at my lips to keep them moist because you know my life motto, “Keep It Moist” but it didn’t really help because when you lick your lips and they’re starting to chap, it only makes the chapping worse unless you Read more

The Family Email Address

From: Barbara Lewis <lewisfamily38@xxxxx.com>
Subject: Hi Russ! Long Time No See

Hi Russ, this is Johnny Lewis, remember me? Long time no see or speak.
We should get together and catch up! Email me at lewisfamily38@xxxxx.com

 

    From: Russ of America <rinabox@xxxxx.com>
    Subject: RE: Hi Russ! Long Time No See

    Hey dude, of course I remember you! Nice to hear from ya! It’s been a long time!
    How is everything? How come your Read more