400% More Advice Column 1

A loyal reader of 400% More Jackoff Magic has asked me for some advice. He queries:

    Dear Mr. Carney of America,
    If I get really drunk and wake up with a penis in my mouth, am I gay? Yeah, ok, that’s pretty gay, but what if it’s a female penis?


    Confused from Oklahoma

Dear Oklahoma,
I want to remind you of legendary Led Zeppelin drummer, John Bonham. He woke up one morning from a night of heavy drinking with a pool of vomit in his mouth. But you know what? He didn’t actually wake up — BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD! HE DIED WITH A POOL OF VOMIT IN HIS MOUTH! So if you woke up from a rough night of drinking, I’d say you’re a pretty lucky guy and you should be thankful for that! And then you should be thankful that you didn’t wake up with vomit in your mouth because you could be dead like John Bonham and your mouth would be full of disgusting puke! Think about waking up with a mouth full of stomach acid? Could your teeth handle that? So what if you woke up with a fleshy juice-tube in your mouth? Big deal. At least you’re safe! At least you’re alive! At least you’re here to live another day and to fulfill God’s purpose for you here on earth! Focus on the positive!


Is it gay? No it’s not gay! You already said it wasn’t a guy’s penis. If a woman wants to put her penis in your mouth, as long as both of you are over the legal age of consent in your village, you shouldn’t sweat it. Suck that gorgeous ladycock until the morning light. If it’s already morning, suck it through the afternoon and evening until the next morning light. Continue to make her happy and to show her that you are grateful to be with her, and that you are grateful to God that you didn’t wake up dead with a mouth full of vomit like John Bonham. Revel instead in the knowledge that you were awakened by the thickness of her gorgeous ladycock and not a mouth full of death.


Continue to focus on the positive.


Blessed Be,


Russ of America



[c] 2009 Russ of America



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