Eight Exciting Ways I’d Like To Fuck Martha Stewart For Christmas


1) Martha’s shapely ass glows softly from the opaque morning light seeping through the window of the quaint Cape Cod bungalow as I do her from behind.


2) Martha mounts me in a gorgeous oak four-post bed. The weight of her body and an ornamental wreath hung around her neck pushes me deeper into the familiar comfort of the delicate goose-down duvet. We have sex in the out-dated missionary position. The duvet has pictures of Spider-Man.


3) We sip cognac from enchanting French crystal snifters while we sit pensively in front of the fireplace in the trophy room of a southern plantation. She whisks me atop the billiard table, racks my balls and chalks the tip of my schvantz.


4) Light finger-foods and other assorted snacks precede a festive session of oral pleasures. The oral pleasures are also pleasing to the eye because Martha hot-glued a lace ribbon to my dong. Afterward, we pick flowers in the greenhouse where once again I do her doggy-style.


5) Having traveled to Brazil for Christmas, we ring in the occasion by celebrating in the style of the natives of Rio de Janeiro — by stripping down to g-strings, adorning ourselves with sequins and costume jewelry, and then humping like a pack of horny dingos.


6) My arms are bound with leather straps scrapped from a beat-up sofa Martha retrieved from behind the liquor store. The straps are coated in mink oil to slide comfortably on my wrists. She has prepared a switch from the birch tree on the eastern edge of the property which she uses to spank my bare bottom. Then she lights a scented candle and allows the molten wax to drip on my nipples. We fuck the regular way, from behind, with a dot of chalk on the end of my salami.


7) The marble counter in the master bathroom is quite cold against my buttocks as Martha shaves my sack with a straight-razor. A mustachioed Italian butcher sings the Barber of Seville a capella. The bath, having already been drawn, makes for a delightful holiday treat as she bathes me, preparing me for a night of upper-class debauchery. She tea-bags me for seven or eight minutes until I can no longer contain my passion. I pull her by the hair and drag her to the toilet where I fuck her like a French auto mechanic.


8) Ornate stained-glass windows add color to an otherwise dreary library. Having anticipated a romp in this classically decorated haven of knowledge, I remove my gay apparel and unroll a three-foot rubber cock from a hollowed-out copy of Joys of Yiddish (large print edition) and I go to work. In a froth, I suggest a threesome. This angers Martha and I wind up jerking off to a drawing of a chick in a Spider-Man comic. A few hours later, all is forgiven and we dart nude through the spacious foyer, past the dining room and back into the trophy room. I lick egg nog from her navel and sing Christmas carols to her ass. We hop onto the billiard table again where we fuck like five Mormons on their honeymoon. Afterwards I throw her house keys into an old-style Victorian alligator swamp and jerk off into the fondue.





[c] 2002 Russ of America


Photo courtesy of Jay Tamboli – Used with permission under Creative Commons License.
This satirical work of fiction is neither endorsed by, nor acknowledged by Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia.
The use of names and likenesses are protected under principles of Fair Use as these principles pertain to parody works.
If you are inclined to sue me, let’s talk about some mediation options first. For example, maybe I could
“take care of Martha” in exchange for legal absolution? >wink wink<



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  1. Nicks says:

    I love happy endings. It’s a good thing.

  2. The Main Man says:

    Martha’s very meticulous about happy endings. She always keeps a bowl of warmed water next to the bed, some carefully folded towels, gentle organic fragrance-free soap and a squeegie.

    Not me. I just use wetnaps and Brawny.

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