Pick up the Motorola Brick, Zack — Hollywood’s calling.
Thanks in part to Jimmy Fallon’s Petition, I just got word that a Saved By The Bell reunion is possible according to Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Awesome. I can wipe the drool off of the vinyl and get back to my regular schedule, i.e. trying to remember how many As there are in Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Three? Four? Fuck if I know.
I’m not one to waste any time getting to work, so here’s my first beat sheet for the reunion treatment. Now, I can’t remember who was dating or married or whatever on their last episode, and I didn’t watch The College Years very closely, so instead of doing research, I’m going to start from scratch. Let’s call it a Saved By The Bell brand reboot on an alternate time-line. Get JJ Abrams to direct it an you’ll have a blockbuster. We could have the evil Stacey Carosi travel back in time to sabotage Zack and Kelly or something like that. Anway, to refresh your memory of my credentials, I did co-write the award-winning web pilot, Daryl From OnCar so I think (cough cough) I can handle a simple Saved By The Bell script.
Saved By The Bell Reunion Plot
* Kelly Kapowski is back from her high-profile job as a NYC executive. Whatever she studied in college, forget it. Now she’s into bio-engineering. In NYC.
* Lisa Turtle has rocked the world with her amazing fashion genius. Made an indelible mark on the industry by selling Prada a design for a high-end seal leather peek-a-boo colostomy bag.
* AC Slater had been working steadily in mixed martial arts but recently lost a fight against George St. Pierre. AC is pissed because he thinks GSP felt “a little greasy” in the UFC title fight.
* Jessie Spano gave up her career in meat processing to become an advocate for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual (LGBT) rights.
* Mr. Belding finally got sick of teenagers and became a US Congressman.
* Screech is dead.
* Upon receiving word that Screech has died, the entire crew returns to Bayside for his memorial service, except for Mr. Belding who shuttles to Bayside every Thursday for a milk shake at The Max.
* A few beats of the team getting reacquainted with one another. “What have you been doing?” “Oh, you know, bio-engineering”, “LGBT stuff.”
* Lisa makes a grand entrance dressed from head to toe in only the most elegant, ornate vestiges and big-ass oversized “bitch goggles” sunglasses. Everybody is impressed.
* Slater takes off his shirt at some point. He’s still got it!
* The crew argues over Screech’s remains. Bury vs. cremate? What are the spiritual implications? Somber, touching moments.
* Zack and Kelly have a few moments on the balcony alone for an intimate conversation about their feelings. The audience goes “Wooooo!!” They almost kiss when,
* AC enters the balcony and unknowingly cockblocks Kelly and Zack. They awkwardly include him in their conversation. Oblivious, he brings them back to the rest of the group.
* Jessie talks about her work with the LGBT community. AC, breaking into full-on roid-rage, expresses his irrational hatred of gays. The crew tries to reason with him. AC destroys the room and storms off.
* The crew preaches to the audience subtly about LGBT rights and gay marriage behind AC’s back.
* Lisa is interviewed by the gang about her success. She says that everything is going great and she brags about her jewelry, cars and riches.
* Zack later catches Lisa snorting coke off of his Motorola brick phone. He confronts Lisa, who begs him not to say anything to anybody.
* Faced with a moral crisis, Zack resolves his feelings by betraying Lisa’s trust and asking everyone in the group what they should do about Lisa’s coke use.
* The crew decides to stage an intervention. Lisa gets mad at Zack for betraying her trust and runs off.
* The group talks about drug addiction, deciding that fashion is a gateway drug.
* Lisa returns to the group, admits that her life is shit and that she’s entirely out of money and needs help. She forgives Zack.
* Mr. Belding makes a brief appearance and says something stupid, then leaves.
* At the funeral, we discover that Screech hasn’t actually died, rather he faked his death to find out who his real friends are.
* Lisa cries in relief and asks Screech to marry her. Screech is reluctant at first, but relents, for he still has feelings for Lisa.
* Slater returns and decides that he doesn’t hate gays anymore. Jessie reveals that she is transgendered and asks AC to marry her/him. AC relents and they french kiss deeply before going upstairs to have sex. He offers her testosterone to assist with her conversion. She declines because she doesn’t want to destroy the room. Everybody laughs.
* Screech reveals that he is a multi-millionaire, having made his fortune in amateur porn. No longer is he a dork. He is suave and well-spoken.
* Lisa is relieved that her life will soon be back on track with money and she doesn’t have to give up cocaine. She goes on a shopping spree.
* Kelly, unfulfilled by her big-city life as a bio-engineer realizes that she needs a man to make her life complete. She asks Zack to marry her and promises to quit her job to move to wherever he’s living now. Uh, let’s say Chicago.
* Zack refuses, says that he is still in love with that mean Stacey Carosi girl he met when they were at the beach club, even though she’s a sarcastic bitch and a Scientologist.
* Kelly, heartbroken, threatens to return to NYC. Zack changes his mind about Stacey and agrees to marry Kelly. Kelly is okay with being his second choice.
* After the triple-marriage, everybody celebrates at a small informal party hosted by Mr. Belding. The crew drinks from the punch bowl and everybody dies, except for Mr. Belding, who returns to Washington with a private jet full of milk shakes.
Anyway, that’s just a first draft. I’m sure I can work out some of the kinks and build up that story arc a little better after I get my first check.
Yeah, you’re jealous. I own a Motorola brick phone.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
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