The humidity today was 12% and I left my lip balm at home while out on a very important handsome mission. Okay, it’s more of a gloss than a balm, but still I left it at home and I was suffering all day because my gorgeous lips started to flake up and some of those horrible scratchy pieces of dried lip started to stick up and they began cutting at my upper lip. I kept licking at my lips to keep them moist because you know my life motto, “Keep It Moist” but it didn’t really help because when you lick your lips and they’re starting to chap, it only makes the chapping worse unless you have a quality brand name department store lip balm or lip gloss, which I didn’t have because I was so stupid and I left it at home.
How stupid. It’s funny how important quality lip coverage can be. I, in all of my handsomeness, walked into a retail establishment (I will not tell you the name, but I will hint that it was a major book store) and made eye contact with a pretty young thing stacking books in the religious fiction section. Yeah, I know, that’s redundant, but there she was and she was so cute with her little green apron. And she looked at me and she smiled, but I swear that I saw her eyes dart down towards my lips and she kind of curled up her lips disapprovingly. It was horrible. I tried to convince myself that maybe she was sneering at something else, but there was nothing else wrong with me! I was looking terrific! I was feeling svelte and trim, wearing cute pants and a sexy western shirt from RayRayUSA, I had my most sensuous guyliner on, no mascara (because of that whole mascara incident in The Handsome Chronicles – part 6 and a few other sexy accouterments. My beard was trimmed with clean lines and my eyebrows were carefully sculpted. Nothing was wrong with me except for my chapped lips. Anyhow, she looked at me and smiled, but then did a double-take on my lips. I tried to make conversation. She responded politely, but quickly made up a story that she had to stock Self-Help and Biography. It really did hurt my feelings. I mean, my only crime was having forgotten to apply my lip balm before I went to bed, after I woke up, after my shower, after breakfast, and before I went out to shop. If a man as handsome as I cannot be forgiven for such a simple oversight, what chance do you have, as a regular human about the town? None! It’s a horrible unfairness and I pray that none of you has to confront a situation so distasteful as that which I have suffered, so that you won’t have to. Amen.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
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