Archive for June 2009
Highschools might be 4 kids, but a little room should be left for the writer of this congratulatory message:
I wonder what the cheerleaders look like at Silly Rabbit High…
[c] 2009 Russ of America
It’s 4am so that means it’s time to belt out some spirituals at the top of your lungs while the rest of the city sleeps! And there are few venues with acoustics as marvelous as the bus stop. I’m not the only audience member; The people in the houses and apartments right behind the wall can hear her just fine.
When you scream-sing that hard sometimes your throat gets a little phlegmy. No problem for Bus Stop Mahalia! She hawks a thick throaty loogie (lunger) right into the busway as you will see in the embedded video.
A local resident tipped me off that if I wanted to capture a real treasure, I should stay up really late, drive down to this location before the first bus of the day arrived, park on a dark side-street and hide so that I Read more
A decade before I ever drove a car I was taught that if you spot an automobile driving at night with its headlights off, the way to communicate to them that their lights are off, is to turn your lights off and on a couple of times.
I’ve been doing this for almost two decades I’d estimate that the other driver corrects their lightless condition a mere 3% of the time. What the hell am I wasting my energy for?
So these days, instead of flashing my headlights, I just pray for them to drive into a lightpost. I am a huge fan of ironic justice, and I think that fits the bill just fine.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
UPDATE: 06.23.09 – Tonight, during the darker side of dusk, I saw several people driving with their headlights off. Just for fun I flashed my headlights at two random malefactors. For the first transgressor, I turned my lights off, paused two beats, then turned them back on. No change. The driver continued down the street with his lights off. For the second scrumblehead I flashed the headlights rapidly off-on-off-on-off-on. Nope. They didn’t flick on the headlights. Neither dipshit turned on his lights. Did I actually expect anything different? No! I’ve come to understand that if a person is driving with their headlights off, they’re not paying attention to anything to begin with. They have no clue that their lights or off, or that they’re driving too fast (because their dashboard is completely blacked out) and they’re just roaming through the streets like a jackass zombie. Fine. I get it. This test was meant to confirm or refute my anecdotal hypothesis that they’re just in their own worlds, and that’s exactly what’s going on. No surprise. Good luck when you’re wrapped around that lightpost, fuckwad! Pray pray pray pray pray…
Heterosexual Male Assplay Primer
By Russ Carney of America
If you are a sexually active heterosexual man, at some point in your life you will meet a nice young lady who will want to put something in your ass. Most often it’s a finger or two, but it’s quite possible that one day she’ll hint about experimenting with bubble plugs and strap-ons. Uh-whaaaaat?!
Unless you had cool parents who gave you “The Talk” about Heterosexual Assplay, you might have reservations about this sort of activity and you might wonder if letting your girlfriend put objects in your butt makes you instantly gay. While I have no first-hand experience, I can assure you, as a bona fide armchair academician, that the answer is NO, or, more honestly, the answer is MAYBE. But let’s not get so hung up on the pink area of maybe, I can help you to define the black and whiteness of Heterosexual Male Assplay. Firstly though I want to mention that Read more
I do not follow sports. Amateur, professional, it doesn’t matter ‘cuz I don’t follow them. I never did. The closest I ever got to following sports is with MMA. I love the UFC.
The English football club Arsenal was the talk of the Twitter-town a few weeks ago and I thought, as I always do when I hear their name: What a great fucking name for a sports club! It’s the kind of name that makes me want to watch football just so I can root for them. Go Arsenal! I’d wear the jersey and everything. Paint the club name on my car, too. They’re named after a cabinet full of guns! Cannons, bombs, black powder kegs!
“Don’t open that cabinet!”
“Why not? What’s inside?”
“It’s an arsenal!”
“Aaaaaiiiiggh! We’re gonna die!”
It’s a way better name than anything America has come up with in sports. Especially in baseball. The name Arsenal is way tougher than “The Cubs” or “White Sox.” Really? There’s a team called the White Sox? What the fuck do Read more
Getting water to major metropolitan areas such as Los Angeles is no joke. It requires a big, old, failing infrastructure, pushed to its limits with the influx of new dreamy-eyed residents into Southern California each year. To make matters worse, SoCal wants to be a desert. That’s its natural state. So it’s no surprise that residents are experiencing the panic and discomfort of its perpetual drought. Naturally, our state leaders wait until June to amp up awareness and pepper the airwaves with water conservation PSAs in a futile hope that people will realize how serious our annual water shortage is and then cooperate. Of course, by June it’s Read more
I like to try new things. I’ll usually try a new food once and if I don’t like it, I’ll never have it again. Quail eggs, for example, are effing nasty and I’ll never eat those bastards a second time. Remember my post about experimenting with novelty snacks? Usually it’s a good thing to experiment with new things. I mean, why are we alive if we’re only here to drive down the same streets, read the same books, and eat the same foods over and over? But as you recall from that novelty snacks post, I have a Read more