Getting water to major metropolitan areas such as Los Angeles is no joke. It requires a big, old, failing infrastructure, pushed to its limits with the influx of new dreamy-eyed residents into Southern California each year. To make matters worse, SoCal wants to be a desert. That’s its natural state. So it’s no surprise that residents are experiencing the panic and discomfort of its perpetual drought. Naturally, our state leaders wait until June to amp up awareness and pepper the airwaves with water conservation PSAs in a futile hope that people will realize how serious our annual water shortage is and then cooperate. Of course, by June it’s too late and we’re deep in water debt again and the legislature has to pass emergency laws to control that greedy a-hole neighbor of yours who waters his dead lawn twice a day. But water shortages don’t just happen in Los Angeles. They happen in Yourtown, USA and will continue to do so as our climate gets warmer and warmer.
Now, I’m assuming you’re not one of those jerks who has to take two showers a day, right? You just take one shower before you go to bed like a responsible person, I hope. That’s good, but you could easily skip a day of showering. You probably don’t work too hard. Probably just sit in an office all day or work at Blockbuster or something. Skip a day! If you don’t think you can skip a day, just wash your crucial areas. You know, the areas where you have lots of folds. You probably have a bunch of left over KFC wet-naps in your kitchen drawer — use those to get a good cleaning. Yeah, maybe you’ll smell a little more earthy, but believe me, you didn’t smell all that great to begin with, with all that nasty cologne you drown yourselves in, so the difference is negligible.
And to all of you scrawny Yoga-loving chicks who tote around water bottles like it’s your personal Lord and savior, try to remember that you’re not the only person who gets thirsty, yeah? Other people like to drink water besides you. So maybe you can leave some water for the rest of us? Maybe cut your consumption in half? If your urine is crystal clear you’re drinking WAY too much water. Urine is supposed to be dark yellow and thick like marmalade. Look it up. And frankly, with all that water you drink, you pee way too often. That’s not good; You’re going to wear out your bladder and urethra and become a drain on our health system.
Sure, you yoga-loving scrawny chicks who drink too much water are probably using those “low-flush” toilets, but do you really need to flush after each time? You probably waste more water flushing your pee than you produce in pee itself! If you drink a quart of water, eliminate 3 cups and then flush it away with 1.6 gallons of water, there’s a problem. A big wasteful problem. It requires about 6x more water to dispose of your pee than you originally consumed! How exactly do you perceive yourself as such an amazing down-to-earth environmentally-conscious spiritual-type if you’re blowing your thimbleful of wizz down the drain with a gallon and a half of fresh, clean drinking water? Exactly! Wastrel! So to bring everything back to equilibrium you should only flush every eighth piss, give or take, depending on volume. Don’t like that idea? Pee in the sink and wipe the bowl clean with a damp rag. Or pee in your garden. It’s natural. Now what about deuces? Here are two ideas: (1) Only flush every second or third deuce, again depending on volume. Now you’re wondering if it’s a good idea to flush 2 or 3 deuces worth of TP down the drain. No, it probably isn’t. But the second thing you should be doing is (2) recycling and even reusing your toilet paper. How much toilet paper do you waste each time you make? Tons. Some of it only has a little mark on it. Spray it with isopropyl alcohol, dry it out and use it again. If you’re concerned about suppressing the odor in the bowl, keep a bucket of sawdust next to the bowl and when you’re done, sprinkle the patty lightly with it. That will help to contain the odor. Switch to a bidet if you don’t want to recycle TP, but install a water-saving high-pressure blast nozzle on the bidet and be quick about rinsing yourself, and only after every third deuce. Or even better, a damp rag and isopropyl alcohol (ask your doctor if this is right for you.)
I hope these ideas have given you some new positive ways to help care for our environment. Remember that protecting the environment doesn’t just mean that you put your ballpoint pens in used pickle jars. Environmentalism is a lifestyle that should encompass everything you do. Like it’s a religion.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
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