Heterosexual Male Assplay Primer
By Russ Carney of America
If you are a sexually active heterosexual man, at some point in your life you will meet a nice young lady who will want to put something in your ass. Most often it’s a finger or two, but it’s quite possible that one day she’ll hint about experimenting with bubble plugs and strap-ons. Uh-whaaaaat?!
Unless you had cool parents who gave you “The Talk” about Heterosexual Assplay, you might have reservations about this sort of activity and you might wonder if letting your girlfriend put objects in your butt makes you instantly gay. While I have no first-hand experience, I can assure you, as a bona fide armchair academician, that the answer is NO, or, more honestly, the answer is MAYBE. But let’s not get so hung up on the pink area of maybe, I can help you to define the black and whiteness of Heterosexual Male Assplay. Firstly though I want to mention that this humble author does not in any way intimate that being gay or bi-sexual is inherently bad, wrong, immoral, etc. I simply understand that you may have been brought up a certain way, and as you develop and evolve your sexual identity, you may like to take a defined, polarized path to arrive at the pleasures you so richly deserve, and I understand that in your microcosm, there may be an at-times-unreasonable stigma attached to Heterosexual Assplay. I would hope that you might choose, ultimately, to influence that stigma so that it might change for the better, but in case you meet with some resistance, and in keeping with my mission statement that promises to help you achieve comfort through Heterosexual Assplay, here are the rules:
1) Your girlfriend can put up to three of her fingers into your ass. But one at a time, please. If she can get three in with just one push, you probably don’t need to read this primer, you’ve already got ample experience with assplay.
2) Under no circumstances are flesh-toned dildos allowed. Only masculine colored dildos are acceptable: Black, white, checkerboard, skulls and NASCAR for example. Black dildos must be pitch black, not Wesley Snipes black. Pink, purple, pearlescent dildos are not allowed. Red is okay, but use your judgment. The jury’s out on Cyberskin-type dildos because they closely represent the feel of a flesh dong, even if their color might be alien.
3) A basic slim “exploratory” ass dildo is perfectly fine provided that it meets the appropriate heterosexual color palette detailed in #2.
4) A dildo that has any of the following, is strictly forbidden: Balls, veins or a penis-like head. There are a lot of unconventionally shaped dildos out there that have flared tips, and you will need to make your own determination as to their heterosexuality.
5) A dildo intended for solely for prostate massage is okay to stick up your ass, and they usually do not come in weird colors or with balls and veins.
6) It doesn’t really matter if the object vibrates.
7) It is okay to put a butt-plug up your ass, as long as the butt-plug does not have a horsey tail or a pig tail. A flat end or a ring are both acceptable, as is a suction base. Again, the suction base cannot be attached to simulated testicles.
8) A woman can shove a fisting dildo up your ass, as long as the shape of the hand is modeled on a woman’s hand and not a man’s. If the fisting dildo has thick fingers and a powerful forearm, that is obviously not allowed. Dainty fingers and a slender wrist make for the ideal fisting dildo for the heterosexual man. A fleshtone FEMALE fisting dildo is okay, because it is symbolic of a woman’s penetration. A fisting dildo modeled after the arm of Martina Navratilova is verboten! You might rightfully ask why it’s appropriate for you to take a fisting dildo up the dumper but no more than three fingers from an actual human – Well, a man concerned with his perceived heterosexuality would not want to allow a woman to wield that much power. A fisting dildo is only symbolic of an arm – it’s not actually an arm. If your woman’s real hand is up your ass, then you are essentialy her puppet and you will find the consensus to be that sex puppetry is pretty gay.
9) Vegetables are okay to cram up your flume, but only if they are masculine vegetables. Cucumbers come in hunter green, and that’s a masculine color. It has no flared glans, veins, or balls, so it meets several of our criteria. Italian vegetables always remind me of Scott Baio, so I would stay away them. Carrots are fine. Anal ginger root play (AGRP aka “Figging”) is fully authorized for the pleasure/pain sector. Cherry tomatoes are not masculine and neither is Swiss chard, broccoli or cauliflower, so you should never load your rectum with these items. But these are just a few examples. Again, you will need to employ your best judgment, but definitely stay away from faggy vegetables.
Here are some more visuals!
(Note: Clicking on each item will take you to product pages on Amazon.com.)
Hope that answers some of your main questions about heterosexual assplay and I wish you an exciting future with your new bolstered sexual identity. If you have any questions, please take this list to your nearest authorized sexologist and let the healthy discourse begin.
Your hero of America,
[c] 2008 Russ of America
Related article from writer CaitRaft:
Why Some Girls Want To Touch Your Butt Holes
Hand artwork courtesy of DesignofSignage.com’s Free Use policy. Thank you IIT Bombay!
“Primer” is pronounced “primmer”. Does that make sense? No, but that’s how the word is pronounced in American English.
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