Archive for July 2009

Answers To Your Jackoff Queries 3: The Stupid-Ass Edition

Thankfully, I get a lot of visitors to my site who are looking for all things jackoff-related. Unthankfully, there are a lot of really stupid people out there who are asking really stupid questions and who don’t quite know how a search engine works. I dunno. Anyway, I’m not trying to be a techno-elitist, so here are my favorite recent jackoff queries, with an emphasis on the stupid-ass queries.


Q: how to jackoff with g-string
R: Beats the hell out of me. Maybe you wrap it around? Seriously, what are you trying to find out?


Q: jackoff tips
R: Are you not having any luck jacking off? I’m not sure how you could fail at the jackoff, but in the interest of fostering an honest academic exchange, Read more

The Law Offices Of Mesothelioma

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[c] 2009 Russ of America


I Am The Man


2 minutes 15 seconds. (3.09 megabytes)



I Am The Man
Russ Carney of America
Featuring samples of Bait by Ultramagnetic MCs


Unicorns [unicorns]


I am the man [you are the man] Read more

California Stateland Security


This is Russ of America, Pharaoh of California, speaking to you, my dear citizens of California. Or potentially to you, my dear potential visitors of California.


I’m always thinking of new ways to serve this state, the best state out of all of the states in the United States of American states. I’ve noticed a trend over the last few decades — California has become needlessly congested. Gridlocked traffic on the freeway at 1 o’clock in the morning is inexcusable! The other day I was watching a rerun of the 1970s television program CHiPs and I noticed that Ponch and Jon only had to deal with, like, 8 cars on the entire freeway at any given time. But today, our freeways are clogged virtually every moment of the day. As a result: California is now forced to institute a Read more

Nora Diniro

3 minutes 3 seconds. (2.80 megabytes)


RCoA, as Mark Hunter, seeks out Nora Diniro


Features samples of:
Grand Funk Railroad – Inside Looking Out
Dead Milkmen – Punk Read more

Cleft Deodorant

Freshness is only skin deep. It’s hard enough trying to keep your body fresh and clean, but anal odors and ass sweat can be a tougher beast to tame… especially when you are an energetic, active person on-the-go!


You’re constantly on the move, so body heat, bacteria, cheap clothing, and sitting can be a formula for DISASTER! And that’s no good if you’re trying to get up that ladder and maintain a professional impression.


Cleft® is the ONLY anal anti-perspirant and deodorant currently on the market that Read more

Cartoon Police Composites

Some time around October of 2003, I was messing around with an old police composite sketch program called Faces 3.0 by InterQuest. I began thinking about how I might render a description of a cartoon character if I were to have been mugged by one. Can you imagine trying to describe an adult Charlie Brown to a police sketch artist? “He’s got, uh, a big round nose kinda centered in the middle of his beady eyes. No, higher up. No, higher. A little higher than that. I’m telling you, his nose is right between his eyes. And he has this little tuft of hair or something on his forehead. No, lower.”


I recently saw a work by artist Tim O’Brien who did an excellent job of converting Charlie Brown from a cartoon into a portrait of a real man as Chuck Brown. A really, really weird-looking man. Anyhow, I felt that it was Read more

Definition: Gaydar

Gaydar: n. The process by which a person hommes in on fagnetic gaydiation.



[c] 2003 Russ of America


Keep It Moist

I have a fairly simple life motto:


Keep It Moist.


It’s a pretty good life motto as far as life mottoes go, I think. Way better than “Look Before You Leap” or some bullshit like that.


Keep It Moist covers a lot of ground. The most important thing if you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere is to find a supply of water. You can last a lot longer without food than you can without water. Want to keep yourself looking young? Keep your skin hydrated by drinking lots of water. Do you binge drink and Read more

PBS Scared The Shit Out Of Me

When I was a kid, this was one of the scariest things on television. I used to hide behind the sofa or run into my bedroom when I heard it.


WTF is that evil-looking P-head man? Why is his nose so razor-sharp? What’s with that big dilated sideways eye? He’s going to nab me! And peck me to death with his knife face! WAAHH!!


Creepy music, too! Scary delay, odd atonal symphony.
Yeeks! I’m getting the chills all over again!



I think I should register this with the good folks at



[c] 2009 Russ of America



*I* don’t see what the problem is, but “cunt” is a word nobody in America wants you to use. But I LOVE the word! I think it’s a great serrated, vicious word and it has a very important place in my linguistic arsenal. I tend to use it whenever I need an eye-opening vulgarity. It’s the kind of word that smacks you right across the back of your head. But only if you live in America. People in England apparently use it with virtually no repercussion, “Oh go take a bloody barth, you soppy little cunt!” But in America “cunt” is equivalent to the N-word for women. If you call a woman a cunt, you’re Read more

Michael Jackson’s Nonsense Lyrics

* Show them how funky strong is your fight. (Beat It)


* Power is the force the vow. (Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough)


* Your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme. (Scream)


* And Eat Your Ticket / Pull Over Boy / Pull Over Boy / And Get Your Ticket Right. (Speed Demon)


* A rather nation / Fulfill the truth / The final message / We’re bring to you. (Another Part of Me)


* And we can ride the boogie. (Rock With You)


* If you can’t feed your baby / then don’t have a baby / and don’t think that maybe / if you can’t feed your baby. (Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’)



Russ of America
Note: Song lyrics were retrieved from the web, so if they’re off, you can blame illiterate MJ fans.