Answers To Your Jackoff Queries 3: The Stupid-Ass Edition

Thankfully, I get a lot of visitors to my site who are looking for all things jackoff-related. Unthankfully, there are a lot of really stupid people out there who are asking really stupid questions and who don’t quite know how a search engine works. I dunno. Anyway, I’m not trying to be a techno-elitist, so here are my favorite recent jackoff queries, with an emphasis on the stupid-ass queries.

 

Q: how to jackoff with g-string
R: Beats the hell out of me. Maybe you wrap it around? Seriously, what are you trying to find out?

 

Q: jackoff tips
R: Are you not having any luck jacking off? I’m not sure how you could fail at the jackoff, but in the interest of fostering an honest academic exchange, try using your hands and tug your piece up and down a whole bunch of times.

 

Q: how do you jack off a pillow
R: You don’t, you stupid fuck. A pillow doesn’t have a penis. Get your mind right!

 

Q: how to you jack off when driving
R: It’s a very involved process. You drive, and masturbate. But you must make sure to use your signals. While jacking off.

 

Q: i have to jack off after i work out
R: Good for you! I have to stand up after I sit down.

 

Q: how to make it so you can jack off again
R: Make what? Make the penis for the next time jackoff? Make a rest for not too soon, unless! Yike is!

 

Q: jack off yahoo answers
R: I agree. Yahoo Answers is for jackoffs.

 

Q: choke on a cunniligus [sic]
R: Only way I can think of, is if your girlfriend has a six-inch clit. Which reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, who had a six-inch clit. She was a brute. Used to work for the railroad. Had a strong back, thick arms, used to connect the trains by hand. Could bench press a 1972 Volkswagen Beetle and regularly used the wrong locker room. UPDATE 08.04.09: People, there are three Ns in “cunnilingus”. Seven if you count the Ns in “nom nom nom nom”.

 

Q: can you jack off in toilet
R: You can, but you might find it a little more comfortable if you stand outside of the toilet.

 

Q: how to perform a perfect jack off
R: Good question! The judges subjectively evaluate difficulty, technique, and control, but you definitely have to stick the dismount.

 

Q: nicest ways to jack off
R: Jack off while drafting a $500 check to the March of Dimes and watching Mr. Rogers singing a song about friendship to Mother Teresa while Elmo sings backup in American Sign Language.

 

Q: i have seen my father jack off
R: Okay, again, this is not a question, but more of a plea for therapy. May your sessions be effective and soothing. What else do you want from me?

 

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. This blog is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

 

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