California Stateland Security


This is Russ of America, Pharaoh of California, speaking to you, my dear citizens of California. Or potentially to you, my dear potential visitors of California.


I’m always thinking of new ways to serve this state, the best state out of all of the states in the United States of American states. I’ve noticed a trend over the last few decades — California has become needlessly congested. Gridlocked traffic on the freeway at 1 o’clock in the morning is inexcusable! The other day I was watching a rerun of the 1970s television program CHiPs and I noticed that Ponch and Jon only had to deal with, like, 8 cars on the entire freeway at any given time. But today, our freeways are clogged virtually every moment of the day. As a result: California is now forced to institute a Department of Stateland Security immediately to control this influx of unnecessary residents.


See, we’ve got far too many of these dreamy-eyed layabouts who come to our Golden State thinking that they’re gonna be a bunch of rich important bling-bling bigshot Abercrombie and Gabana actors. So they leave their silly little fly-over states, bring their smoggy vehicles to our neighborhoods, refuse to register their cars because they obviously can’t — their pollut-o-mobiles don’t pass our rigid air quality requirements — and because they’re getting a better deal on car insurance. So they glaringly cheat the DMV of rightfully owed registration fees, then clog the freeways and streets FOR FREE.


They use way too much perfume and hair gel in their daily lives, fart in OUR elevators, take our best food service jobs, smoke and snort all of our locally-grown organic narcotics, use up our welfare and social services, wear stupid hats, drink our water and waste even more water by watering their sidewalks with water because they don’t know that California is always out of water. They clutter our libraries and leave shopping carts behind our cars because that’s how they do it in Kentuckiansanippi or whatever their bullshit state is called.


Well, your Pharaoh is tired of sitting in an hour of traffic just to get to the corner supermarket and I blame these undocumented American immigrants and their stupid pipe dreams. So as a matter of immediate need, I am instituting and enforcing a requirement that individuals who intend to spend time in California apply for tourism or 90-day work visas through the California Department of Stateland Security. Wanna-be actors from those corn and potato places are now required to secure legitimate acting jobs before they can set foot in this state. This will free up the best food service jobs for our best native Californian servers. In order to extend their visas, visiting workers must maintain consistent acting work for 90 days, with no gap lasting longer than 5 days — with the exception of the December holiday season, where, as a gift to my citizens, I will require all visitors to leave California for three full weeks. The freeways will be immaculate during the holidays. And finally, these aliens must maintain a clean, healthy, morally correct lifestyle, which I will be in charge of evaluating. Only after 3 years of steady work as a visitor may they apply for permanent residency. This policy will eliminate the gratuitous immigration of undocumented American aliens into the Golden State.


Visitors: We need to keep it pure and keep it strictly Californian until we can extend to you the charity of allowing you to live in our glorious, desirable, beautiful, expansive, sexy state and hopefully you will understand. If you can’t understand, it’s highly recommended that you either stay where you are, or move your ass to Hollywood, Florida. It’s basically the same thing as regular Hollywood.


Your Loving Pharaoh of California,
Russ Carney of California, America



[c] 2009 Russ of America



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  1. Corin says:

    Lol, the CHiPs part killed me. Do I live in a corn or potato place? I think it’s more of a beef and guns place. Though everyone knows happy cows come from California…

  2. The Main Man says:

    Thanks for visiting and commenting, Corin! Sorry the cows aren’t happier in Texas. Might be the threat of capital punishment; Texas executes more people each year than California does in ten. Poor cows. Uh, I mean people.

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