I’m embarrassed to say that this past week was the first time I’d ever been to Las Vegas. The trip was long overdue, but I can explain: I don’t usually do well in dense crowds and I lost the taste for gambling at the age of 16 after getting hustled by some unconscionable grown-up asshole running a 3 Card Monte racket at a Jack In The Box in Agoura, CA.
My summary: Las Vegas is a lot like Sylvia Browne: Smoky, musty, dusty, dry, fake, smelly, trashy & it wants to steal all of your money.
[pause for laughter]
Ah, the city that never sleeps. Wait, that’s New York. Oh, the city of lights? Hm, I guess that’s Paris. Well, whatever they call Las Vegas, I was there and I had a lovely time with my generous bebbeboo, who staged us in a really comfortable, attractive suite at the Monte Carlo. It’s odd that such a nice, costly room would be managed by a lazy staff. The front desk goons were crabby assholes. We were told with no apology that our room would not be ready until 2 hours after check-in, so we should leave the luggage with the bell desk and call back in a couple of hours to check on the status. And goddammit there was no free WiFi. Cheap assholes. You get free WiFi at the TraveLodge and Comfort Inn, but not in the Monaco Suite at the Monte Carlo. Stay away from the Monte Carlo.
My friend Christine was a terrific and patient local hostess. Not only did she schlep us around everywhere and suffer through some touristy jive such as souvenir shopping, she got us into two fantastic shows, The Mac King Show (comedy/magic) and Penn & Teller (magic/social commentary). Mac’s show was very clever and funny with some amazing surprises. I really enjoyed his set. Definitely stick around to meet him, he’s a very hospitable gent. Great suit and shoes, too! Penn & Teller were their usual fast-paced, nutty selves. Awesome. I lament that I was too shy to socialize with Penn while he was eating backstage or to distract Teller while he was meticulously reviewing his performance. I would like to extend gratitude to all three performers for the courtesies they extended to me via our mutual friend Christine L. I felt that I really had something in common with all three magicians, for I am a magician of sorts insofar as I have a blog called, unfortunately, 400% More Jackoff Magic.
Over all, I had a fun time. I saw what I needed to see, had some delicious foods, some quality schnuggles, drank some overpriced drinks, second-hand smoked a few cartons of cigarettes. Viva Las Vegas! May I see you again in another 30 years.
Okay, now back to my usual scheme of trying to find even funnier ways to insult that charlatan cunt Sylvia Browne.
[pause for laughter]
[c] 2009 Russ of America
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