Middle Names

Middle names can be fun. I don’t have a great middle name and I know a few people who have no middle name at all. Their parents probably thought that two names were sufficient. “We gave you a first name, we gave you a last name, we fed you until you were 18, now get the hell out of our house, you bastard.”


Parents sometimes give their kids stodgy lame-ass first names like Brock, Bradford or Benton, but to make up for that stale business, certain parents give them a middle name more appropriate for a party college, like Keanu or Rain or Primadonna or something. The kid will likely use his regular name for most of his life, but just before heading out to UCSB he’ll decide that instead of being known as Tim, he’s going to be known as Shilo for the rest of his life, because that’s his middle name and he and his folks really bonded over Neil Diamond. Okay. It’s fair. That’s why you were given three names, I guess. So you could bow-out if your first name makes you feel like a vagina.


It’s difficult to peg the exact type of parent who would brand a kid with an ass-pinching first name like Brock, but then inflict a fageleh middle name like Windsong. Artsy-fartsy types perhaps? Or squarish yuppies who always resented their boring names and promised to give their kid a choice between a good solid Christian name, and a more fun hippie-esque name that he can use after he commits his first crime and he needs his first alias.


You know who needs an interesting middle name the most? Any kid named Michael Smith. The kid needs an interesting first and last name too. What unoriginal idiot parents are still naming their kids Michael Smith? Talk about wanting your child to blend into nothingness — You start him off in life with a boring, common, fake-sounding name like Michael Smith or John Smith. Those are the names people use when they check into motels with hookers — you know that, right? Well at least Michael Smith has an awesome nickname: “Mike”. Mike Smith. Beautifully original! Mike Smith is the kid who should have a colorful middle name like ThunderCats or Boomshakalaka, not that douche Brock. Anybody named Smith should really consider starting afresh when they have kids by dropping Smith. Give the kid an awesome last name like Tungsten, Ecology or Thermite. What, you’ve gotta keep the family name Smith alive? Really?


Sometimes parents give the kid two middle names. Often it involves a fight about which grandparent to name the kid after and you wind up with a kid named Brock Shilo Keanu Dempster. That’s got to be confusing, especially for any sort of monogram. Skymall only gives you a choice of three initials when you order something monogrammed, so now you’re forced to choose your favorite grandfather. Who would YOU honor on your bath towels? Grampa Shilo or Grampa Keanu? Anyway, is it even possible to have two middle things? If you go to a movie theater with two seats in the middle of the row, it means that nobody is sitting dead center. Therefore, with two in-between names, you actually have no middle name. If you had three in-between names then you’d have a middle name again. There has to be an ODD number of names to have a middle name.


And then there’s Charo. Her birth name was María. That’s fairly common in Spain, I’d imagine. Her middle name is Rosario which is again pretty common, so her parents just added another name to differentiate her from all the other María Rosarios. Now she was María Rosario Pilar, but again that had to be as common back then in España as Emma Isabella Madison would be in the US today. So mom and pop continued to add names to keep differentiating her from all the other girls. María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Moquiere blah blah blah blah. Even her parents couldn’t pronounce it or figure out where the accents go so they said “Coño! Eres Charo ahora. Di ‘cuchi’ y nadie te olvidara!” Which roughly translates to, “Fuck it, you’re Charo now. Just ‘cuchi’ and nobody will ever forget you.”


I’ve always thought that Nostril or Nosferatu would be awesome names for a boy. “Nostril Quality-Service-Commitment-Integrity-Honesty-and-Low-Low-Prices Carney of America! Get in here, you little shit! What the hell is wrong with you? Stop eating sand!”



[c] 2009 Russ of America
Dear Brock Lesnar, please don’t hurt me. I wasn’t talking about YOUR kind of Brock.
I was talking about those pussy Brocks who turn into bankers. I’m confident that you understand.



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