Answers To Your Jackoff Queries 5

The world’s most popular search engines send me tons of visitors who have tons of jackoff-related questions. Here are more examples of their helpless queries and my helpful replies:

 

Q: can i jackoff into your ass
R: No.

 

Q: how to suppress urge to jackoff
R: Try rubberbands.

 

Q: how to jackoff more than once
R: That’s easy — Jerk off a second time.

 

Q: can you get skinny if you jack off alot
R: If you forsake the eating of food for your new-found hobby, yes. But you’re not likely to lose any significant weight unless you’re doing something active like riding a bike or jogging while jerking off. The key is to elevate your cardio to the point where you’re burning more calories than you take in each day. So you’d need to do a whole-body jackoff to achieve any notable weight loss. Remember to use private indoor facilities for this combo activity and ask your doctor before beginning any exercise or weight-loss regimen.

 

Q: most pleasurable way to jack off
R: I’m not at liberty to say it outright, but I’ll give you a hint — You ever visit the butcher section of your local supermarket? Ever seen those big cow tongues they have? Well, I’ll tell you a secret — people don’t EAT cow tongue but they do USE them, if you know what I mean. Add a little butter and Kathleen Turner’s smoky voice and you’ve got yourself the perfect jackoff!

 

Q: great things to jack off with
R: I’m confused, do you mean great as in “big” or great as in “terrific”? And when you say “jack off with” do you mean “alongside of” or do you mean that you want to use an object to facilitate your masturbation? Please search again with more details, thanks.

 

Q: how to jack off while sitting on the toilet
R: I don’t understand the dilemma. You know how to jack off, right? And you know how to sit on the toilet, right? Wouldn’t you just put the two activities together? Sit on the toilet and jack off. What greater information are you looking for? Which way to flex your anus? Flex it toward the jackoff!

 

Q: jack off no hands
R: I’m just going to casually mention that cow tongue again.

 

Q: is it safe to jack off all the time
R: I’d hazard to guess that it’s more an issue of practicality than safety. At some point you’ll have to eat, go to work, celebrate your birthday, hug your mother, ride the bus, research something on the web, give someone five, bake cookies, catch a Frisbee. Most of that stuff you can’t do very well if you’re pleasuring yourself, know’msayin’? You don’t want to get whacked on the knob by a Frisbee, that’s for sure. But I want to make sure that I address your specific question about safety. If you have to operate a chainsaw, is it safe to jerk off? No. A chainsaw is safely operated with both hands and you should have pants on. If you need to mix up a deadly potion in chem lab, you need to wear the appropriate safety equipment such as gloves and apron. It’s not a good idea to masturbate if you’re splashing battery acid into a beaker. Cutting up some fabric for granny? Operating a belt sander or a band saw? Again, you’ll need both hands directed at your task. So the simplest answer is no!

 

Q: jackoff on your wife’s ass
R: If I were married, I’m sure I would. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

Q: is there any other way to jack off
R: What do you mean any other way? You mean other than using your hands? Sure! Use your feet. (Wash them first, then moisturize.)

 

Q: i am gay, make me jack off
R: Hocus Pocus! Did it work?

 

Q: how to draw a cunt
R: If you want to be a good artist, you’re going to need to learn about anatomy. How the body moves, proportions, and the correct nomenclature for cunt.

 

Q: i want to jack off but i have homework
R: Definitely do your homework. You’ll have plenty of time to masturbate when you’re working a dead-end job.

 

Q: can a doctor if you jack off
R: I think you’re trying to ask if a doctor can tell if you jack off. Well, they all operate under the assumption that you masturbate. Even the worst medical curriculum will teach prospective doctors about masturbation in their first two weeks of med school. But if you’re holding your piece with a gorilla grip you’re going to leave tell-tale clues about your private proclivities. But even if you don’t rub yourself raw, doctors pretty much know that you’re a depraved goon and that you’re shucking your corn every chance you get, ya know? I think you’re living in a fantasy world where you think you’re keeping a big secret from everyone. Reality Check: Everybody knows about your masturbation. Every time your aunts, uncles and even friends of the family greet you, they’re smirking to themselves because they know what’s going on. They see it in your eyes and they notice when you leave the Thanksgiving table to disappear in your bedroom for an hour or two. What do you think they think you’re doing? Sometimes they covertly communicate that they know what you’re up to. For example, the oft-asked question, “How is school?” is a well-known joke among adults. It really means “Have you been masturbating?” Think about it, the only adults who actually care how you’re doing in school are your direct care providers: mom, dad, legal guardian, gramma and gramps, foster parents, probation officer, captor. But anyone else who asks you “How is school?” is just playing a joke on you and without you being aware, they’re mocking you for masturbating. And someday you’ll do the same thing to one of your nieces or nephews.
“Hey Brandon. How’s school?” (Have you been masturbating?)
“Uh, school’s okay, I guess.”
“You getting a lot of work done?” (Are you masturbating constantly?)
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Do you like any of your teachers?” (Are you thinking about any of your teachers while you masturbate?)
“A few are okay, I guess.”
“Do they assign a lot of homework?” (Do they make you want to masturbate more often?)
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Are you playing any sports?” (Do you masturbate in the locker room?)
“Yeah. Baseball.”
“Hey is that pumpkin pie? Well, keep up the good work in school!” (Hey, is that pumpkin pie? Keep masturbating so I can make fun of you at Christmas.)

 

Q: if you jack off a lot what happens
R: This question reminds me of the Butterfly Effect concept in chaos theory. I’m not scientist, but as I understand it, the idea suggests that an action as simple as a butterfly flapping its wings could initiate a ripple of events resulting in some action across the globe, like a typhoon that wipes out an East-Asian country. For example, let’s say that you’re masturbating in your back yard on a warm Spring day. Your furious fist moves the surrounding air a certain way, creating turbulence. Meanwhile a bee is heading toward Flower A, gets diverted by your jackoff turbulence and it lands on Flower B. The flower gets pollinated but it carries an interesting genetic defect. A farmer picks the fruit of this new strain of plant, clones it, mass-markets it. He becomes rich and powerful, buys his own army, takes over a country, develops his war technology, goes insane and nukes North Korea, sparking an international war. So if you jack off a lot it’s conceivable that you are creating an action in the now, which can affect any number of systems rippling into catastrophic human disaster. If you don’t want to start an international war, you’ll stop masturbating immediately.

 

Q: when i jack off at night i pee in the bed
R: That’s weird. Don’t jack off at night. And might I recommend jacking off while sitting on the toilet. (See above.)

 

Q: best lighting for ugly people
R: Total darkness.

 

 

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. This blog is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

 

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