This Thanksgiving I’m very grateful for teeth, specifically my teeth. Nothing’s wrong with my teeth. They’re all still there, I just think you have to appreciate the things you have BEFORE you lose them, like your teeth. Otherwise you’re just another one of those people who whine about their crappy life and their stupid missing teeth.
SOPHIE: “<sob sob>”
ME: “Aw man, Sophie’s crying again. I bet it’s about her fucking missing teeth again!”
YOU: “Hi Sophie…”
SOPHIE: “Hey everybody.
YOU: “Oh, that’s sweet of you to reminisce about your teeth.”
ME: “Yeah, that’s rich. Could you please pass the corncobs and candied apples?”
SOPHIE: “I DON’T HAVE TEETH ANYMORE!!!”
ME: “Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river, princess.
YOU: “Hey man, that’s uncalled for! She doesn’t have teeth!”
ME: “Look, nobody wants to hear her selfish bullshit around the sacred Thanksgiving bird.”
SOPHIE: “<sobbing into the sweet potatoes>”
ME: “And stop crying into the fuckin’ sweet potatoes!”
SOPHIE: “They’re yams!”
ME: “No, they’re fuckin’ sweet potatoes! Look it up! If you had any fuckin’ teeth, you could at least do that much!!”
[c] 2010 Russ of America