When I walk down the street late at night, which is quite frequently, I often spy someone walking towards me just a few dozen yards away. Usually that person will cross the street to avoid walking past me on that dark street. I can understand why they do that, because it’s scary at night and the news says that you can’t trust a stranger, and I’m definitely a stranger, but that fearful attitude really pisses me off! So I’ll cross the street at the same time they do, just so we’re still walking toward each other again. This makes them uncomfortable, so they’ll turn around and walk in the other direction. But that just encourages me to walk faster so I can catch up with that person! Silly-billy! I mean, hey, you’re an interesting person, right? And you’re walking away from me? That’s weird. Anyway, I’ll cough in an obvious way just to get their attention, so they know that I’m behind them and closing in.
I can usually tell when it’ll happen because I’ll see his or her head turn around and look at me with a touch of concern, but within a few tense moments of my arrival, the person will start jogging, then break out into a full run to try to get away from me.
This totally pisses me off! So in revenge, I run after them, shouting, “I’ve got excellent cardio! I can chase you all night!” And I’ll sprint faster and faster until I’m nipping at their heels. They’ll panic and drop their cell phone, unable to summon help. And because my cardio is so good, I can chase them while staying juuuuuust a step or two behind them, which gives them the impression that they still have a chance to get away! That’s always fun. Finally, they exhaust themselves and become totally fucked with fear. Demoralized, they have to come to grips with whatever silly death they are imagining I will cause them, but still they always make that one last <groan!> cliched, feeble attempt to climb a chain link fence to get away from me! PFFFT! How many times have we seen THAT old chestnut? <groan!> HAHAHAH!
Since my cardio is so good, I’m always right up on their ankles, tugging playfully and tittering as they scream and try to vault over the fence. But they always fail and fall to the ground, blubbering for mercy as I giggle demonically. Then, in a show of inspired benevolence, I’ll tickle them until they hyperventilate and then I’ll leave them with a $75 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble, which I think is very generous of me. And I do this because I want to leave them with an indelible impression of how good and fun and spontaneous and playful and generous the creatures of the night can be!
I’ve got excellent cardio.
[c] 2010 Russ of America
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