Russ of America On: The Dream Act

It is an affront to reason that an illegal immigrant can’t earn citizenship in the United States by serving honorably in our nation’s military. The DREAM Act suggested 2 years, but I propose a full 4 years. That should be the fast-track to citizenship! And I’m not talkin’ ’bout a romantic sunset beach patrol at Point Mugu, I’m talking about bare-knuckle blood-and-guts combat in one of those countries that writes in pothooks and curlicues!


What’s the better alternative? We should ask them to fill out a form, wait 20 years and PRESTO! — they suddenly become valued citizens, but are now older and ready to collect Social Security? No, I say! Let illegal immigrants join the military. Young ones. As young as the law will allow! Or even younger, if they’re willing to lie about their ages. We’ll send them overseas to fight for our right to party, and they’ll have to *earn* their right to rock and to listen to Elvis Presley records! And when they come home in pine boxes, we’ll let them finance high-interest tract homes in Stockton. And as long as it’s okay with the Homeowner Association, these revered, solemn patriots can proudly raise their American flags on the 4th of July and Cinco De Mayo, weather permitting. But probably not on Cinco De Mayo, because this is America, not your Mexico, goddammit! God bless the United States of America!



[c] 2011 Russ of America



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  1. Ben says:

    Good rant!

    I wonder how well most American’s would do if being born here wasn’t enough to qualify as a citizen. Imagine having to earn citizenship. I’m pretty sure most people couldn’t do it and I tend to feel that many citizens do less for this country than illegals do. Pity about the Dream Act. Seemed like a viable option. I think in the end it’s not about legal status, all the complaints are just code for “we don’t want more Latinos” .

  2. The Main Man says:

    I hope that America’s paranoia about the spooky “anchor baby” menace is short-lived, although xenophobia seems to come third as a national pastime behind baseball and baking apple pie. Immigrants, illegal or not, buy things, which promotes capitalism. If the main concern is welfare fraud, it should be noted that fraud exists across the entire ethnic spectrum.

    I appreciate the USDA corn-fed citizens who grift the state, while killing the pain of their insignificance by eating deep-fried bacon and Twinkies and banging into innocent ankles on their Hoveround scooters at the LA County Fair.

    Shit human beings come in all forms, not just in brown people.

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