Life Pro-Tip: Shut Your Trap, Jackass Dreamer!

This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s enough of a brainer that I’ve seen hundreds of people fucking this up time and again over the course of my short, but rich life.


If you have a big plan for the future, immediate or otherwise, shut the fuck up about about your big plan until your plan is in some phase of action. And I’m not talking about a phase of action that begins with the word “someday.” There’s nothing worse than a person who rambles on about how one of these days they’re gonna open up an XYZ store and make tons of money selling XYZ. Okay, I guess murderers, thieves and rapists are worse, but people who boast about XYZ are pretty bad too! And annoying! And chances are, you’re never gonna open that XYZ store because you’ve never accomplished anything! What makes you think you’re gonna be the king or queen of XYZ if you can’t even remember to do ABC? Just because you’re okay at DEF doesn’t mean you don’t totally suck at GHI! That’s why you should shut up about it, because you sound stupid talking about the alphabet all day, and everybody hates you and your stupid dreaming.


“Someday I’m gonna lose all of this weight.” Really? That’s a great fairy tale with no story arc and a complete lack of escalating peril. (SARCASM!) Maybe when you finally get off your ass and step foot in a gym, *then* you can talk some shit! And that brings me to my next warning:


If you’ve recently made a big change in your life (started exercising, quit smoking, decided to suck more dicks, etc) shut the fuck up about your new life change until you’ve been doing it long enough that it is actually a life change and not just some knee-jerk resolution you made in a sobbing fit of remorse after a painful night of hard drinking. Whining about how sore you are after your first day of dick-sucking (or exercise) is a pathetic self-indulgence. You need to suck dicks (or exercise) for at least six weeks before it becomes a “thing” that you do, and nobody needs to hear about this shit until you become a de facto dick-sucking guru (or maybe an exercise guru?) and you have mastered the art of sucking dicks. (Okay, I’m not talking about exercise anymore.)


Anyway, I guess I’m trying to say that I’ve learned my lesson and I apologize for all my recent braggadocio about dick-sucking.



[c] 2011 Russ of America



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