Winter’s coming, and you know what that means, don’t you genius? It means that it’s gonna get cold. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself for not having known that winter = cold.
This year, instead of being a Greedy Gus** and wasting precious coal and gas and oil and electricity to heat your ridiculously huge McMansion or whatever tiny shithole you live in, why not just suck it up and crank the thermostat down as far as it can go? Why does everything have to be 72 degrees with you? Why are you such a “temperature queen?”
It’s time to face some facts. If you are an American adult, there is a 60% chance you are either overweight or obese. (Actually, it’s higher than 60%. I just said it was 60% to make you feel better.) Here’s another fact: you can burn up to 400 calories per hour just by shivering! So the new plan for energy conservation and fat loss is:
* Set your thermostat to 33 degrees.
* Shiver for at least three hours per day.
* Wear sweaters and blankets to keep warm until Spring. The colder it is, the more blankets you’ll have to shlep around the house and that equals exercise!
This year you’re gonna stop being an energy hog like that Greedy Gus I mentioned earlier and stop being a blight upon America’s reputation for its sexy people!
[c] 2011 Russ of America
** No offense to my real life friend Gus, who is not greedy at all. To be honest, I don’t know why I picked his name. It’s totally not fair and I could have removed it during the editing process. But I guess transparency is important to me.
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