This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s enough of a brainer that I’ve seen hundreds of people fucking this up time and again over the course of my short, but rich life.

If you have a big plan for the future, immediate or otherwise, shut the fuck up about about your big plan until your plan is in some phase of action. And I’m not talking about a phase of action that begins with the word “someday.” There’s nothing worse than a person who rambles on about how one of these days they’re gonna open up an XYZ store and make tons of money selling XYZ. Okay, I guess murderers, thieves and rapists are worse, but people who boast about XYZ are pretty bad too! And annoying! And chances are, you’re never gonna open that XYZ store because you’ve never accomplished anything! What makes you think you’re gonna be the king or queen of XYZ if you can’t even remember to do ABC? Just because you’re okay at DEF doesn’t mean you don’t totally suck at GHI! That’s why you should shut up about it, because you sound stupid talking about the alphabet all day, and everybody hates you and your stupid dreaming.

“Someday I’m gonna lose all of this weight.” Really? That’s a great fairy tale with no story arc and a complete lack of escalating peril. (SARCASM!) Maybe when you finally get off your ass and step foot in a gym, *then* you can talk some shit! And that brings me to my next warning:

If you’ve recently made a big change in your life (started exercising, quit smoking, decided to suck more dicks, etc) shut the fuck up about your new life change until you’ve been doing it long enough that it is actually a life change and not just some knee-jerk resolution you made in a sobbing fit of remorse after a painful night of hard drinking. Whining about how sore you are after your first day of dick-sucking (or exercise) is a pathetic self-indulgence. You need to suck dicks (or exercise) for at least six weeks before it becomes a “thing” that you do, and nobody needs to hear about this shit until you become a de facto dick-sucking guru (or maybe an exercise guru?) and you have mastered the art of sucking dicks. (Okay, I’m not talking about exercise anymore.)

Anyway, I guess I’m trying to say that I’ve learned my lesson and I apologize for all my recent braggadocio about dick-sucking.

[c] 2011 Russ of America

Secrets Of Dental Perfection

Those of you who know me are aware that I have always taken tremendous, embarrassed pride at my perfect teeth. My teeth are straight, they are white, they shine with moisture and can win over any subversive with a short flash of my dreamy pearls.

But those who REALLY know me, (and if you didn’t know this, this doesn’t mean that you are not my friend, or that you are not a loyal fan — it only means that you didn’t know something about me because you’re not as close to me as you might want to be,) know that I’ve only been to the dentist 4 times in my entire life.

When I was a young boy I would beg my father to take me to the dentist. I’d clip out ads from the PennySaver or those coupon Val-U-Paks that come in the mail. Clippings with large bold print which advertised “FULL DENTAL CHECKUP + X-RAYS + CLEANING = $5″. I’d tape the scraps of paper to his bathroom door, sneak into his car and leave them on his dashboard and hide them in his wallet when he wasn’t looking.

My pops had gotten the hint after a few years of this that I really wanted to go to the dentist. I’d started to wonder if it was just a casualty of Reaganomics, his aversion to paying out the $5, but the truth was that he was so well aware of the litany of handsome perfection he’d created when he’d had me. One morning after I’d asked him for a trip to the dentist, he brought me in front of the mirror and said, “Smile, son.” I obeyed and smiled. “What good would ever come from spending money on these teeth? We might as well save the $5 toward that kitten you wanted.” I did want a kitten, after all, so it made sense. And he was definitely right about the quality of my teeth. Every time we’d visit the supermarket, the checkout ladies would all coo over my gorgeous eyelashes and fawn over my teeth. “Oh, you have such a wonderful smile. Did you know that you have a beautiful smile? Oh what straight teeth — Did you ever wear braces? I’ve never seen teeth that bright!” It was truly embarrassing and this type of oozing over my handsomeness never went away entirely. How could it?

On my 14th birthday my father cheerfully decided that it was time to humor me. He unstuck one of my dental coupons from his bathroom door and he slapped a fiver on the receptionist desk at the dental office. I got a good cleaning and a fluoride rinse. That was nice. I was intrigued by their frightening tooth-mangler apparatus. They poked and prodded and scraped and tapped. They were baffled that I had no signs of cavities or any history of dental procedures. It was a very pleasant experience for me aside from some discomfort at having their weird, pokey, water-leaking tools jabbing into the more sensitive parts of my mouth.

“Visit the dentist every 6 months” is the official recommendation by every dental professional, national health official, elementary school teacher and man-on-the-street, but the next time I would visit the dentist was 11 years later. That was embarrassing. When you go to a new dentist they always ask you, “How long has it been since you’ve seen a dentist.” When you answer “11 years” they act a little incredulous.
“11 years?”
“Yeah, but it’s not as bad as you think, I’ve never had any dental problems. Not even a cavity!”
“Well, we’ll see about that. It HAS been 11 years, hasn’t it?”
“Well yeah, but I don’t have any pain or anything.”
“Cavities don’t always cause pain. Anyway, we have an opening next week…”

I rolled into the office and they put me through the usual battery of disbelieving questions. “So you’ve never had a cavity?”
“No.”
“Not even one?”
“No.”
“Not even in your baby teeth?”
“No. I didn’t go to a dentist for the first time until I was 14.”
“So then how do you know you never had a cavity?”
“Well, I never saw anything wrong with my teeth. Never had any pain or anything.”
“Didn’t we already tell you that cavities don’t always cause pain?”

As you would anticipate, the dentist didn’t find any cavities then either.

I went to another dentist about 5 years after that, and again I received the usual incredulity. “It’s been 5 years? You need to go to the dentist every 6 months.”
I argued, “Why do I have to go every 6 months if I never have any problems with my teeth?”
“Because going to the dentist is how you prevent problems from happening to your teeth.”
“But I don’t have any problems with my teeth.”
“How do you know if you never go to the dentist?”

And so I visited a dentist about a week ago, and all of the dental technicians praised my enamel, the straightness of my teeth, and the virgin quality of my mouth. They took digital photos of all of my teeth, x-rays, cleaned them, yadda. The dentist asked me if I’d ever had any teeth pulled. “No.”
“No? You’ve never had any teeth pulled?”
“No.”
“Not even your wisdom teeth?”
“No.”
“How often do you go to the dentist?”
“I’ve only been to a dentist about 4 times in my life.”
“4 times? You should go every 6 months!”
“I know…”

Another glowing bill of health. No cavities, etc. I didn’t expect anything different. When you’re born with the curse of unbridled handsomeness as I was, going to the dentist isn’t something you ever need worry about. At this stage, the only reason why I go to the dentist is because I like the feeling of extra-smooth teeth, and I get a kick out of shooting water out of the new-found gaps in my beautiful smile. I’m sure you are all wondering what my secret is to perfect dental hygiene. What do I do that’s so special that I’m rewarded with a Christ-like smile? Really I don’t have an official formula — I just go about doing my own thing. But if you follow all of these rules, maybe you’ll get perfect teeth. **

* Be born handsome. Handsomeness yields perfection from head to toe, skin to spirit.
* Have a straight set of teeth. I’ve never had braces. I have an overbite, but it works perfectly.
* Drink 2 liters of diet cola each day.
* Eat lemon wedges whenever included with iced tea. Eat the lemon rind as well.
* Don’t bother flossing. Use dental picks. They’re like soft plastic toothpicks with a brush and a pokey.
* Chew plastic. I’ve chewed plastic since I was a kid. Battleship pegs, straws and other soft plastics.
* Drink alcoholic beverages.
* Stay away from cigarettes.
* Have a pH neutralizing saliva.

** These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA or ADA and are not intended to treat, prevent or cure any disease.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

“Well, you know, because of the economy…” is the apologetic expression du jour, and I’m not sure if I quite see the dark side of the economy yet with my investments tied up in the flap meat, medical marijuana and vodka markets, but I do know that everybody has been complaining that they can’t find employment or even customers in this economy. But there is good news! According to a local circular, many of the Big 5 stores in Southern California, as of this week, are selling an M91/30 Mosin Nagant bolt-action rifle for $99USD.

So what if you can’t cut it in the corporate world — but dude, you can definitely sink a shot into your grey matter and free up a wanky ball-licker job in the private sector for me, your best pal of America. Thanks for doing the right thing!

UPDATE: (Feb 17 2009) Good news! The Mosin Nagant rifle previously on sale for $99 (limit 2) has gone down to $89 (limit 1). “Own a real piece of history” it says. Do you own, or even better, PWN a piece of history yet? Probably not. Buy this rifle and go pwn yourself a piece of history, lone wolf. Big 5 needs you to act now. You understand what’s being asked of you, right? No delays.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

RUSS OF AMERICA’S RULES OF ORDER: FAVORS

First: DO call in favors. If you’re the kind of person who says “you owe me one” but then you never actually get the motherfucker to pay you back, then you are a dipshit. By calling in favors, you dissuade the regular favor-asker from taking advantage of your kindness.

Second: When calling in favors, don’t call in stupid ones.

“Remember when I got you that chick’s phone ? I need you to drive me to Pep Boys.”

That’s a waste of a perfectly good favor.

“Remember when I got you that chick’s phone ? I need you to testify in court that you’re her baby-daddy. Dude – you *OWE* me one.”

[c] 2008 Russ of America

RUSS OF AMERICA’S RULES OF ORDER: INDIAN GAMING

Vote yes on *ANY* new initiative that involves Indian gaming. The Indians are our friends, they’ve gotten themselves into a pickle with this whole Indian Gaming thing and now they need our help. Let’s commit to doing something positive, vote YES, and bring the peace pipe back to their sovereign lands!

[c] 2008 Russ of America