The world’s most popular search engines send me tons of visitors who have tons of jackoff-related questions. Here are more examples of their helpless queries and my helpful replies:

Q: can i jackoff into your ass
R: No.

Q: how to suppress urge to jackoff
R: Try rubberbands.

Q: how to jackoff more than once
R: That’s easy — Jerk off a second time.

Q: can you get skinny if you jack off alot
R: If you forsake the eating of food for your new-found hobby, yes. But you’re not likely to lose any significant weight unless you’re doing something active like riding a bike or jogging while jerking off. The key is to elevate your cardio to the point where you’re burning more calories than you take in each day. So you’d need to do a whole-body jackoff to achieve any notable weight loss. Remember to use private indoor facilities for this combo activity and ask your doctor before beginning any exercise or weight-loss regimen.

Q: most pleasurable way to jack off
R: I’m not at liberty to say it outright, but I’ll give you a hint — You ever visit the butcher section of your local supermarket? Ever seen those big cow tongues they have? Well, I’ll tell you a secret — people don’t EAT cow tongue but they do USE them, if you know what I mean. Add a little butter and Kathleen Turner’s smoky voice and you’ve got yourself the perfect jackoff!

Q: great things to jack off with
R: I’m confused, do you mean great as in “big” or great as in “terrific”? And when you say “jack off with” do you mean “alongside of” or do you mean that you want to use an object to facilitate your masturbation? Please search again with more details, thanks.

Q: how to jack off while sitting on the toilet
R: I don’t understand the dilemma. You know how to jack off, right? And you know how to sit on the toilet, right? Wouldn’t you just put the two activities together? Sit on the toilet and jack off. What greater information are you looking for? Which way to flex your anus? Flex it toward the jackoff!

Q: jack off no hands
R: I’m just going to casually mention that cow tongue again.

Q: is it safe to jack off all the time
R: I’d hazard to guess that it’s more an issue of practicality than safety. At some point you’ll have to eat, go to work, celebrate your birthday, hug your mother, ride the bus, research something on the web, give someone five, bake cookies, catch a Frisbee. Most of that stuff you can’t do very well if you’re pleasuring yourself, know’msayin’? You don’t want to get whacked on the knob by a Frisbee, that’s for sure. But I want to make sure that I address your specific question about safety. If you have to operate a chainsaw, is it safe to jerk off? No. A chainsaw is safely operated with both hands and you should have pants on. If you need to mix up a deadly potion in chem lab, you need to wear the appropriate safety equipment such as gloves and apron. It’s not a good idea to masturbate if you’re splashing battery acid into a beaker. Cutting up some fabric for granny? Operating a belt sander or a band saw? Again, you’ll need both hands directed at your task. So the simplest answer is no!

Q: jackoff on your wife’s ass
R: If I were married, I’m sure I would. Thanks for the suggestion.

Q: is there any other way to jack off
R: What do you mean any other way? You mean other than using your hands? Sure! Use your feet. (Wash them first, then moisturize.)

Q: i am gay, make me jack off
R: Hocus Pocus! Did it work?

Q: how to draw a cunt
R: If you want to be a good artist, you’re going to need to learn about anatomy. How the body moves, proportions, and the correct nomenclature for cunt.

Q: i want to jack off but i have homework
R: Definitely do your homework. You’ll have plenty of time to masturbate when you’re working a dead-end job.

Q: can a doctor if you jack off
R: I think you’re trying to ask if a doctor can tell if you jack off. Well, they all operate under the assumption that you masturbate. Even the worst medical curriculum will teach prospective doctors about masturbation in their first two weeks of med school. But if you’re holding your piece with a gorilla grip you’re going to leave tell-tale clues about your private proclivities. But even if you don’t rub yourself raw, doctors pretty much know that you’re a depraved goon and that you’re shucking your corn every chance you get, ya know? I think you’re living in a fantasy world where you think you’re keeping a big secret from everyone. Reality Check: Everybody knows about your masturbation. Every time your aunts, uncles and even friends of the family greet you, they’re smirking to themselves because they know what’s going on. They see it in your eyes and they notice when you leave the Thanksgiving table to disappear in your bedroom for an hour or two. What do you think they think you’re doing? Sometimes they covertly communicate that they know what you’re up to. For example, the oft-asked question, “How is school?” is a well-known joke among adults. It really means “Have you been masturbating?” Think about it, the only adults who actually care how you’re doing in school are your direct care providers: mom, dad, legal guardian, gramma and gramps, foster parents, probation officer, captor. But anyone else who asks you “How is school?” is just playing a joke on you and without you being aware, they’re mocking you for masturbating. And someday you’ll do the same thing to one of your nieces or nephews.
“Hey Brandon. How’s school?” (Have you been masturbating?)
“Uh, school’s okay, I guess.”
“You getting a lot of work done?” (Are you masturbating constantly?)
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Do you like any of your teachers?” (Are you thinking about any of your teachers while you masturbate?)
“A few are okay, I guess.”
“Do they assign a lot of homework?” (Do they make you want to masturbate more often?)
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Are you playing any sports?” (Do you masturbate in the locker room?)
“Yeah. Baseball.”
“Hey is that pumpkin pie? Well, keep up the good work in school!” (Hey, is that pumpkin pie? Keep masturbating so I can make fun of you at Christmas.)

Q: if you jack off a lot what happens
R: This question reminds me of the Butterfly Effect concept in chaos theory. I’m not scientist, but as I understand it, the idea suggests that an action as simple as a butterfly flapping its wings could initiate a ripple of events resulting in some action across the globe, like a typhoon that wipes out an East-Asian country. For example, let’s say that you’re masturbating in your back yard on a warm Spring day. Your furious fist moves the surrounding air a certain way, creating turbulence. Meanwhile a bee is heading toward Flower A, gets diverted by your jackoff turbulence and it lands on Flower B. The flower gets pollinated but it carries an interesting genetic defect. A farmer picks the fruit of this new strain of plant, clones it, mass-markets it. He becomes rich and powerful, buys his own army, takes over a country, develops his war technology, goes insane and nukes North Korea, sparking an international war. So if you jack off a lot it’s conceivable that you are creating an action in the now, which can affect any number of systems rippling into catastrophic human disaster. If you don’t want to start an international war, you’ll stop masturbating immediately.

Q: when i jack off at night i pee in the bed
R: That’s weird. Don’t jack off at night. And might I recommend jacking off while sitting on the toilet. (See above.)

Q: best lighting for ugly people
R: Total darkness.

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Ah yes! Good news! Millions of people around the earth are still asking lots of questions about all-things jackoff! Fortunately they have at their disposal this fine blog as expert resource material. I am a man of integrity, honesty and beard and it is through my beard that I read these questions which top-tier search engines feel are best fielded by me. And thus for the fourth time, I again address your most pressing recent jackoff queries.

Q: jack off-pork
R: First of all, stealing is wrong, so you shouldn’t jack anybody’s off-pork. Secondly, don’t eat off-pork. It’ll make you sick.

Q: can you jack off with external use only
R: Almost exclusively.

Q: how much rest is required after 2 jackof
R: Four months. Well, it gets a little complicated actually. You need 1 month’s rest per testicle per jackoff, but the 4 months can be served simultaneously instead of consecutively. You’ve heard the expression “man-hours”? If there are 2 people on a job and it takes them 1 hour to complete the job, the job took 2 man-hours. If there’s 4 people on the job and it takes them 30 minutes to complete the job, that’s still 2 man-hours. So if you rest both testicles for 1 month, you’ve rested for a total of 2 ball-months and that’s what I mean. However, if you had 4 testicles, you couldn’t just wait half a month to get your 2 ball-months rest. You’d have to get 1 full month of rest for each testicle per jackoff. Anyway, I said it was complicated. If you don’t understand, keep Googling.

Q: +jacking penis
R: -hand = fail

Q: what happen if you jack off alot
R: If you jack off alot you will never learn how to spel write.

Q: how to jack off like a gay guy
R: Use your gay hand.

Q: is rip taylor gay
R: You’re fucking kidding, right? Rip Taylor the flamboyant mustachioed confetti man in the wig? Or do you know a different Rip Taylor? Boy, can you imagine being named Rip Taylor and growing up in the shadow of his celebrity?

Q: gay jackoff heaven
R: Abercrombie & Fitch

Q: types of musturbation
R: Dijon, yellow and stone ground.

Q: jackoff for granny
R: Makes sense to me. Think of all the Christmas and birthday money she gave you. A little j/o is the least you can do. That and visit her in the home a few times a year. Remember: Dentures can be removed, if you catch my drift. Speaking of which, do ya wanna know How To Score A Free Meal From Granny? Yeah you do!

Q: can people tell if you jack off
R: Yes. There are eight pantomimes of jackoff, which a trained eye can recognize. Also, there’s ejaculate on your shirt.

Q: how many eyelashes does a goat have
R: 1

Q: are you gay if you like ass play
R: Not if you follow the strict rules in The Heterosexual Male Assplay Primer. If you obey the rules you can enjoy as much assplay as you like without bearing any guilt or negative stigma.

Q: how to make jack off more interesting
R: Read Popular Science while schmacking.

Q: how to ask your buddy to jack off with you
R: Buy him dinner. And some alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. Make it into a game. Or better yet, a dare!
“Pfft, you’re not man enough to jack off with me.”
“Oh yeah? What do you know?!”
“I know you’re a lame-ass wuss.”
“I am not!”
“Ha! If you were a real man you’d jack off with me, but you’re afraid.”
“I am not! I could do it!”
“No you couldn’t.”
“I could so!”
“Oh yeah? Well I dare you!”
*fap fap fap*

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Thankfully, I get a lot of visitors to my site who are looking for all things jackoff-related. Unthankfully, there are a lot of really stupid people out there who are asking really stupid questions and who don’t quite know how a search engine works. I dunno. Anyway, I’m not trying to be a techno-elitist, so here are my favorite recent jackoff queries, with an emphasis on the stupid-ass queries.

Q: how to jackoff with g-string
R: Beats the hell out of me. Maybe you wrap it around? Seriously, what are you trying to find out?

Q: jackoff tips
R: Are you not having any luck jacking off? I’m not sure how you could fail at the jackoff, but in the interest of fostering an honest academic exchange, try using your hands and tug your piece up and down a whole bunch of times.

Q: how do you jack off a pillow
R: You don’t, you stupid fuck. A pillow doesn’t have a penis. Get your mind right!

Q: how to you jack off when driving
R: It’s a very involved process. You drive, and masturbate. But you must make sure to use your signals. While jacking off.

Q: i have to jack off after i work out
R: Good for you! I have to stand up after I sit down.

Q: how to make it so you can jack off again
R: Make what? Make the penis for the next time jackoff? Make a rest for not too soon, unless! Yike is!

Q: jack off yahoo answers
R: I agree. Yahoo Answers is for jackoffs.

Q: choke on a cunniligus [sic]
R: Only way I can think of, is if your girlfriend has a six-inch clit. Which reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, who had a six-inch clit. She was a brute. Used to work for the railroad. Had a strong back, thick arms, used to connect the trains by hand. Could bench press a 1972 Volkswagen Beetle and regularly used the wrong locker room. UPDATE 08.04.09: People, there are three Ns in “cunnilingus”. Seven if you count the Ns in “nom nom nom nom”.

Q: can you jack off in toilet
R: You can, but you might find it a little more comfortable if you stand outside of the toilet.

Q: how to perform a perfect jack off
R: Good question! The judges subjectively evaluate difficulty, technique, and control, but you definitely have to stick the dismount.

Q: nicest ways to jack off
R: Jack off while drafting a $500 check to the March of Dimes and watching Mr. Rogers singing a song about friendship to Mother Teresa while Elmo sings backup in American Sign Language.

Q: i have seen my father jack off
R: Okay, again, this is not a question, but more of a plea for therapy. May your sessions be effective and soothing. What else do you want from me?

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Hi! It’s me again and I’m here with another exciting episode of Jackoff Queries. As you know from the last round, I check my blog stats often and I see a lot of questions from the various hapless wits who ask Google and Yahoo and Ask.com various jackoff-related questions. These poor souls wind up at my site in search of answers, since I made the grave mistake of satirically naming my blog 400% More Jackoff Magic. I’m not aware of any official body that oversees jackoff issues, so I have a sense of duty to try to address at least a few of the queries that find their way to my office. I would like to stress that my blog is not intended to deal with these issues full-time or on any regular basis. But, this is a humor blog, and I think this is pretty good fodder, in spite of how people are thrusting their jackoff onto me.

With no further ado, the second round of jackoff Q and A.

Q: how to jack off your dog
R: Whatever you do, don’t! What if he mauled you to death? You can’t get into heaven covered in dog spunk, (Leviticus 18:42). Or even worse, what if he mauled you to paralysis, but you were still living? Your parents would come home and you’d be covered in dog spunk and boy would YOU have some questions to answer! Also you don’t want to lose your dog’s respect. Jack off someone else’s dog if you have to, but only with the permission of the owner. And PETA.

Q: is it gay if jack off with a friend
R: Yes, but with an explanation. I’ve said numerous times that boys under the age of 12 are essentially gay. That tends to change upon reaching puberty when their voices change, they start acting a little cooler and don’t dress and sound like an overzealous fairy anymore. I think young men should be afforded carte blanche gayness until they turn 18, when they can reset their sexuality clocks. But that’s your only shot. After that, if you’re jacking off with other guys watching, you’re gay forever!

Q: how to get your friend to jack off with you
R: Communication.

Q: i need a buddy to jack off with
R: Good news, the guy right before you seems receptive. I’ll put you two in touch.

Q: magic jack off
R: Yapple dapple!

Q: what happens if you jackoff to much?
R: You’ll be late for school.

Q: jack off only while sitting down
R: I’m not a big fan of accepting anecdotal evidence for matters of science — things related to the supernatural, mysterious power of the mind, alternative medicine, etc — but this is exactly the kind of question that can be answered by your own anecdotal evidence without searching for an official ruling online. Did you try it? Did it work for you? Great. That’s jackoff science.

Q: how to get the most pleasure jacking off
R: Flex really hard, then stick your finger in your navel and sniff it. Spank your buttcheek eight times, stand up really quickly and sit down again. That should do the trick.

Q: bouncy balls up anus
R: Seriously? How did you manage to pull that one off?

Q: smoking weed vs masturbating
R: I didn’t think that it was ever a competition, but if I had to recommend one, I’d probably go with masturbating. Especially if you have a mid-term coming up.

Q: nadya suleman toes
R: This question again? Who the hell keeps looking for her toes?

Q: jerking off with my doctor
R: I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed to do that. It may not be explicitly stated in the oath, but I’m sure that it’s implied.

Q: what happen after you jack off
R: I pray that she doesn’t wake up right away.

Q: ways to jackoff on an exercise ball
R: Sorry chief, there’s only one way to jackoff on an exercise ball. Any other way is wrong and you need to stop doing it.

Q: do you have to jerk off at the doctors
R: No, it’s totally optional. But if you do, they’ll refund your co-pay.

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Hello!

My name is Russ of America and I run the 400% More Jackoff Magic humor blog. You may have heard of me from such blogs as this one. I’ve been doing a little research on my blog statistics recently, (a self-indulgent marketing activity practiced by most bloggers,) and I noticed some trends in the kinds of queries people are entering into search engines. To be more helpful to my visitors, and to potentially encourage them to read more of the crass, puerile, sardonic, pseudo-intellectual humor I’ve written on this site, I thought I might invest a few moments to address some of your interests.

Here are some of the top search queries and my helpful responses.

Q: man jack off
R: Yes, it’s probably safe to say that he did. Approximately 63% of men admitted to it in a 1994 study. 63%, that is, if you believe the veracity of sex statistics.

 

Q: smoke pot and jack off
R: You probably could, depending on the laws in your area, but many cities aren’t as pot-friendly as others, and masturbating while smoking marijuana could pose a fire hazard. If you are going to engage in this kind of risky behavior, it’s important that you exercise some basic fire safety precautions. Keep a fireproof ashtray handy, be sure that you have an emergency escape plan, and be sure that your fire extinguisher is functional and fully charged. Use the buddy system, and don’t be caught unprepared.

 

Q: the best jack off method
R: It’s a matter of personal preference, but if I were you, I’d invest in an inversion table or similar jackoff aid. It’s difficult to explain, but there’s something about inverting your balls that can really pump out about 35% more pleasure units during your jackoff. Of course you need to check with your doctor before beginning any new jackoff regimen, and be sure that she deems you fit enough to use an inversion table. While at the doctor’s office you may want to double-check that you’re not suffering from cryptorchidism or retractile testicle as these can affect jackoff pleasure.

 

Q: how to jack off more than once
R: After you jack off, jack off again.

 

Q: i jack off a lot
R: That’s not a question. You’re bragging.

 

Q: what is the perfect way to jack off
R: It depends on what you are into. Do you like candles? Soft music? Techno? Montel Williams? Watching Tombstone? There are no rules or limits. Just strap yourself into the inversion table, jerk that pistol and go to work. You know, skin that smoke wagon and see what happens. Obviously I prefer Tombstone.

 

Q: jack off sock
R: That’s a totally legitimate and environmentally aware method, for sure. It’s certainly a more green approach than using disposable tissue after each emission. You could also make a Fifi or Fifi Bag, but unless you reuse or re-purpose the latex glove, there is no improvement to the environment.

 

Q: jackoff tips
R: Here are some good tips: Lock the door. Make sure nobody’s around. Be comfortable with your body. Do what feels good without inflicting your beliefs on others. Don’t break the law. Maintain a neutral pH. Stay away from rubber bands. Keep it moist.

 

Q: jackoff in toilet
R: It’s possible. Many people try this, but ultimately get bored of it as it’s not a very comfortable position. If you do this, try to avoid wasting water unless it is necessary to protect your privacy.

 

Q: old guy jackoff
R: He might, but not as often as he used to.

 

Q: nadya suleman toes
R: As a taxpayer who is helping to [cough cough] foot the bill for her fourteen children, your query is offensive to me.

Okay, if I’ve helped you out in any way, I’d appreciate if you’d tell your friends about my site and visit often. Create an account, login, participate.

Your pal of America.

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved and completely natural activities.

[c] 2009 Russ of America