Archive for WTF?!

Snuggie Honkeys

Snuggies already look like day-glo robes from a freak religious cult. But throw in a couple of overly-enthusiastic white people dancing in the kitchen with lunatic grins and, well, just look at the photo.




[c] 2009 Russ of America


Diarrhea At Starbucks

Yesterday I wrote a piece called “I’m A Douche At Starbucks“. I penned it to mock two things: 1) My first time sitting at Starbucks in front of a laptop acting like a stereotypical Starbucks laptop douche, and 2) people who, on a regular basis, do what I did yesterday, and who go above and beyond normal douchery by incorporating Bluetooths (Blueteeth?) and other increasingly pretentious icons of self-importance. I’m certainly on the path to number two.


And speaking of number two…. (best segue ever…) while I was typing that blog post, something else was Read more

WTF?! Iron Rich Faggots

Iron rich faggots?


Click the picture for the big version.



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Amazing Talisman: Win Every Legal Case Ever!

My Bebbeboo took me to Ren Faire this past weekend. Ren Faire is the kind of event you have to apologize for attending. “We went to Ren Faire this past weekend — but I swear to god we’re not dorks!” Well we *are* dorks, but we’re not Ren Faire dorks. I mean, we went to Ren Faire, so we’re *SOME* kind of dorks, but we didn’t dress up and say m’lord and m’lady all the longe of daye, we just spectated. So we’re not to-the-bone Ren Faire dorks. I had a fun time regardless of the negative stigma.


In one of the booths I saw an interesting talisman purported to be of magick quality. The advertising slogan said, “Win In Court Every Time — Aids the owner in overcoming all legal problems. If worn when appearing in court, it is said to guarantee the winning of any lawsuit.”


Now, ignoring that it looks like it was designed by an infant, do you notice anything unusual about this talisman? Maybe something, oh, I dunno, ethnically insensitive? Maybe something that is a Read more

WTF?!: Sexist Soy Sauce

Should I boycott the 99 Ranch Market for selling this anti-feminist, offensive product? Nah, I really enjoy their pork and chicken bao and it would be a shame to turn my back on them just for this careless infraction.



But we male feminists are watching you, House Wife Soy Sauce… we are watching you very closely. And China too. [punches fist into hand threateningly.]



[c] 2009 Russ of America



UPDATE 03.04.09: Sexist A-1 Sauce found here!

WTF?!: Cheap Leather Hats

I’m on a Ridiculous Direct-Mail Advertisement kick lately. Here’s an ad I received several weeks back. I”m thankful that I had the foresight to scan it.



There’s a lot to discuss here. Would you be caught dead wearing a shiny plastic-looking leather bucket hat? If you’re going for that early 80s hip-hop b-boy flavor, you’re not going to get it from this hat. You’re just going to look like a cheap-ass who couldn’t afford a real Kangol. Sen Dog from Cypress Hill you ain’t gonna be, wearing this thing, knowwhu’msayin’?


Nextly, I’m not a fashion maven by any stretch of the imagination, but I have never seen a leather baseball cap that did NOT look like shit. I mean, if you want to give the impression that you’re a Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation expatriate, you’re certainly welcome to, but in 2009 it’s a little, uh, how-you-say, “dated”. And why not emigrate back to the Rhythm Nation if you miss it so much? I know, you often hear the “why don’t you move back” argument from those self-righteous shit-kickers in fly-over states, but I really think that illegal Rhythm Nation immigration is a cause the entire country can get behind. Move along, sonny.


The wide-brimmed black leather hat is just not a bright idea. If your plan is to don a black leather hat to protect yourself from the sun, you might want a refresher course in 7th grade science. Black attracts heat, and buying this hat (even if it has a breathable polyester liner) is just asking for a neck full of dripping sweat, possibly tinted black from possibly cheap leather dye. (DISCLOSURE: This is an unsubstantiated assumption based on prior experience with cheap leather boots.) Maybe that’s why that poor young man in the ad look so miserable. He realizes how stupid he looks — like a bargain bin, lummox Crocodile Dundee. I’d look sad too if I were him. I’m sure he’s an awesome guy, just caught up in a really bad leather hat and jean-shirt scene.


That leather driving cap is just god-awful. I’ve hated those hats for decades and I think that Robert DeNiro is the only guy who can really pull them off. I promise that I have nothing against the blue-collar man. Cab drivers, limousine drivers are all functional members of our society. I just don’t think that I need to look like a cab or limo driver as part of some contrived fashion statement force-fed to me through direct mail, somewhere in between the Albertson’s and Ralphs coupons.


Two hats for twenty bucks? I guess the price point isn’t too bad, so if I were forced to pick two, which would I get? I’d probably buy the bucket hats. I could stick a couple of houseplants in them or something. At least they’re crush proof. Did you hear me? Crush *PROOF* That means they are impervious to being crushed. If you attempt to crush these hats, you will fail miserably because they CANNOT BE CRUSHED!


Well, folks at Direct Source Inc, I’m sure that I can’t go wrong by buying these hats because you assure my satisfaction, and I will likely be ordering a half dozen bucket hats for my garden in the next few days.



[c] 2009 Russ of America

WTF?!: Tiny Miracle Emmy

This came in the mail recently. The Ashton-Drake Tiny Miracle Emmy So Truly Real Doll.


WTF Babydoll 1


She only costs $59.99 plus $7.99 shipping and handling, but I do have to wait 10-12 weeks for shipment after I pay them. Fortunately, if I’m strapped on cash I can divide the $59.99 into two payments of $29.99 (Yeah, I would save a penny if I took advantage of their payment plan – how can they afford to stay in business?!) And if I really don’t have any cash, I don’t have to send any money now at all! I can just send back the business reply card and the Ashton-Drake Galleries will reserve a Tiny Miracle Emmy So Truly Real especially for me. Now the real good news is that I have 365 days to decide whether or not I’m completely satisfied! I wonder how she could possibly disappoint me in that span of time. Maybe if she were disobedient and talked back too much.


WTF Babydoll 2


She feels almost real! Now, the ad says that dolls designed by Linda Webb normally fetch thousands of dollars. I don’t doubt it! My girlfriend collects Super Dollfie 13 ball-jointed-dolls and those mamajammas are expensive. So imagine how fortunate I am to be given the opportunity to buy this 10-inch lifelike doll for only $67.98 out the door. 10-inches and lifelike? Shhh! I don’t want my gal-pal to hear THAT kind of talk if you know what I mean!


WTF Babydoll 3


I’m having a little trouble here. This thing is suitable for a 3 year-old? As what, a $70 pacifier? And an adult? So like, an undergrad from the nation’s busiest party school would play with this while on spring break? Or maybe a 34 year-old bachelor who lives by himself?



[c] 2009 Russ of America