BOARDING GROUP ONE
Why don’t those pre-boarding jerks move faster? Why does it always take so long to get five children, two diabetic elderlies and a cripple onto one plane? Just because they’re all elderly and crippled? Move faster, selfish cripples! If you need some locomotion, let that man’s spaz children push you down the jetway.
Ever seen someone try to pre-board and then get shot down when they weren’t qualified? I have. It’s humiliating. Not for me, but for them. They usually don’t know that people are watching, but we are. And I’m big on smirking and putting out some serious, “That’s what you get for trying to get over on someone,” vibes. It’s usually a husband and wife who just got their AARP cards and are testing the system to see what kinds of discounts they can get and whether or not they cut the lines at Disneyland. It’s totally hilarious to see people get shot down for pre-boarding. It’s such a stupid embarrassment to go through and it’s avoidable if you have even the most entry-level sense of dignity. The idea that pre-boarding is the choicest cut of meat, is based on the silly premise that it’s BETTER to get onto a plane first. Huh? Really?
Most people don’t qualify for pre-boarding, which makes Boarding Group One the most coveted acquisition for the average guy on a trip. But within this elite group is a sickeningly competitive tension to get to the front of the line, assuming the airline’s boarded all of the selfish cripples. If you were the first person pressed against the velvet rope in the Boarding Group One line and someone were to cut in front of you, you’d totally flip out, wouldn’t you? You’d get in that person’s face and talk a ton of shit right into their eyes just like a white rapper. “You bitch-ass mark! Trying to cut in front of me? Fuck you, you piece of shit! Yo mama didn’t teach you right? Punk-ass bitch!” We’re mean at the airport, aren’t we? Because it’s an international airport in a big city, and we’re from a small chickenshit town like Studio City or Valley Glen and we feel like we have a social responsibility to REPREZENT for our barrios or whatever.
But back to my point: Why would you ever get on a plane sooner than you have to? The toilets are better at the airport, there are more bars, bookstores and restaurants. And more leg room! So if you want to fight me to get to the head of boarding group one, go right ahead, knuckle-nuts; I’ll just stretch out in the terminal for an extra ten minutes and breath a slightly more humid brand of recirculated air while you’re hunched with your seat-back up, reading the SkyMall order form.
[c] 2008 Russ of America