Tag Archive for all-weater steel radials

How To Kick A Little Kid’s Ass At The Pinewood Derby

A friend of mine recently mentioned that he was helping a young lad with his Pinewood Derby car, and I wanted to give him a few tips for success, having whipped the asses of countless children at many forced, unsanctioned Pinewood Derby rallies in my neighborhood.

    * At the very least you’re should eschew pinewood in favor of molded carbon fiber.
    * Instead of a nail for an axle, use high-alloy aircraft grade steel. This will help to maintain a low center of gravity for better handling and reduce the risk of cracking the axle if stressed to its limits.
    * For improved traction over unpredictable terrain you’re going to want a tough every-condition racing suspension supplemented by a computerized traction control system.
    * The tires should be Michelin all-weather steel radials wrapped around German ball-bearings.
    * You’ll also need a decent air intake system to feed cool air into your high performance engine.
    * Above all else, make sure that you install a solid nitrous oxide system for that extra boost when you need it.
    * You don’t need a roll-cage or anything because it’s just a toy car.

This simple recipe is guaranteed to kick the living shit out of any other kid out there with his little rinky-dink bullshit hand-carved wooden car. Sorry twerps, but gravity doesn’t beat a fucking 60hp boost from a sneaky pete nitrous rig. So get in line for your noogies, you little muskrats!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America