I came up with this idea a few years ago and I think that I’ve more or less fleshed it out.
If you’re like me, you work in an office. Or some place. It doesn’t have to be an office, but offices are pretty common, because corporate USA of America isn’t too bright or creative. So let’s call it an office, even though this plan will work in a mechanic’s shop or in a salon, but probably not in the bean fields of the migrant worker due to poor work conditions and lack of break time.
In December, corporate USA of America usually hosts some sort of Secret Santa event, so that people who would otherwise never receive any attention, or people who are Jewish, can get Christmas presents, even if they don’t want any.
I think we can all agree that forcing your religion on someone else, especially a Jewish person, who’s suffered the most of all of the religions, is pretty horrible and may be a violation of one’s civil rights. But who among us couldn’t use a little boost in the romance department? I mean, you’re slugging along in the world of love — they’re throwing pitches, you’re swinging and missing. You’re pitching and they’re not hitting. And we all know that the bigger the mess, the more you endure awkward baseball metaphors such as this one.
So my pitch for the second week of February is: The Secret Valentine.
The plan is such:
1) Everybody in your office throws their name into a hat (or some other worthy vessel.)
2) You draw a name from the hat.
3) Whomever you draw, you must romance.
4) I’m not talking about bargain-basement rush-through sex. I’m talking full-on, convincing romance. Candles, rose petals, the Hollywood Bowl, senxual oils, back rubs, poetry, soul kisses, all of that bullshit.
5) If you draw your own name, you have to put the slip of paper back.
Sure there are drawbacks, but that’s all part of the plan. Sometimes you score big and get to have a filthy hardcore throw-away sex-fest with the hottie that you like, and sometimes you suffer and give more than you receive — just like a regular Secret Santa! Often the scenario is consistent with your sexual beliefs, but sometimes you have to endure an opportunity from a contrary sexuality mindset, which helps you to learn and to grow!
Overall, you’re making a positive romantic contribution, you’re enriching someone’s life experience, bonding with co-workers, and maybe even getting your bits touched.
That’s not so bad, right?
[c] 2004 and 2008 Russ of America