I was out driving for about an hour today, running errands and such. I must’ve seen four cops pulling people over in various places. Looks like they’re being really pro-active about generating revenue in this shambles economy.
If you’re economically disadvantaged, you’d better set your cruise control to 34mph, come to complete stops at lights and signs and use your effing signals ‘cuz otherwise you’re gonna be at an even greater economical disadvantage.
I always wondered why traffic tickets aren’t on a sliding scale based on income. Is it equitable that a gardener loses half a week’s pay for blowing a stop light when Halle Berry only has to sacrifice her next designer t-shirt? Do high penalties make poor people better drivers? I used to live in a poorer neighborhood and I never noticed any correlation. I’d like to see the statistics instead of relying solely on anecdote. You know me.
Hi! It’s me again and I’m here with another exciting episode of Jackoff Queries. As you know from the last round, I check my blog stats often and I see a lot of questions from the various hapless wits who ask Google and Yahoo and Ask.com various jackoff-related questions. These poor souls wind up at my site in search of answers, since I once made the grave mistake of satirically naming my blog 400% More Jackoff Magic. I’m not aware of any official body that oversees jackoff issues, so I have a sense of duty to try to address at least a few of the queries that find their way to my office. I would like to stress that my blog is not intended to deal with these issues full-time or on any regular basis. But, this is a humor blog, and I think this is pretty good fodder, in spite of how people are thrusting their jackoff onto me.
With no further ado, the second round of jackoff Q and A.
Q: how to jack off your dog
R: Whatever you do, don’t! What if he mauled you to death? You can’t get into heaven covered in dog spunk, (Leviticus 18:42). Or even worse, what if he mauled you to paralysis, but you were still living? Your parents would come home and you’d be covered in dog spunk and boy would YOU have some questions to answer! Also you don’t want to lose your dog’s respect. Jack off someone else’s dog if you have to, but only with the permission of the owner. And PETA.