By RUSS OF AMERICA
Russ of America News Network Staff Writer
NORTH POLE (ROANN) — At dawn today, international agents raided the sprawling North Pole compound of Santa Claus, culminating a lengthy investigation into a massive counterfeiting operation run from that region for decades. Authorities estimate that billions of pieces of electronic equipment, clothing, jewelry, housewares and toys are manufactured by the Claus cartel annually without permission, distribution rights, royalty remittances or licensing agreements. An investigating agent who did not want to be identified said, “The quality of [these] counterfeits is astounding. The average person would never know that the jeans she is wearing, or the HD television she is watching is a complete fake, but in fact, it is.”
Upon breach of the compound’s mammoth four-inch thick reinforced gingerbread security doors, agents discovered an army of people working at various stations. “I believe we may have a human trafficking component here. We have contacted some human rights organizations for an emergency response, but we are still trying to figure out if these people are even human and if they even qualify for assistance.”
When asked to estimate the annual financial loss, the unidentified agent Tariq Hasaan said, “Globally, probably in the [trillions of US dollars] range, so the impact of this counterfeiting crew is far-reaching and devastating to the global economy. We’re all aware of the state of the international economy, especially places like America and we see how people are struggling to pay their car notes and how they have to decide whether to pay full price for Gruyere cheese at Whole Foods or on sale at Gelson’s. A counterfeit operation of this scale is unprecedented. I mean, Japan sells a lot of televisions, right? They’d probably sell a lot more if it wasn’t for this [motherfucker] making counterfeits right under their noses. I know that he hasn’t been tried yet, so I’m not saying he’s guilty of counterfeiting, but he’s definitely guilty of something. You’re not going to print my name, are you?”
Officials expect to hold a press conference some time in the next few hours.