After all of the major religions have it out with one another once and for all in the upcoming religious wars, the only two things that will remain alive on earth will be cockroaches and atheists.
The atheists will look confusedly at the roaches and ask pensively, “What the FUCK just happened?!” The roaches will shrug their exo-shoulders, and scurry away. The atheists will smoosh them with a shoe and embark upon a new human journey based on a re-evaluated, scientifically supported, atheistic, anthropologically sound morality, which will prosper and flourish and eventually fracture and denominationalize, only to result in yet another warrior holocaust, the end of which will yield more atheists and more smooshed roaches.
Who cares? Republican hero George W. Bush smoked the tweeds, Obama smoked, Clinton tried to smoke, but his greens were too harsh to inhale — but still he tried! He tried very hard! Are we seriously spending time with this? Do we really think that Phelps did something wrong? He smoked some grass. The same grass the Rastafarians say Jah Almighty put upon this earth to smoke. This was the same Jah who put those Bob Marley and Grateful Dead blacklight posters on your parents’ wall. Jah wanted us to smoke the shit out of them weeds, and so we did. What the fuck did Phelps do that was so out of the ordinary, anthropologically?
If your parents smoked grass, and if you smoked grass, you have no legitimate complaint against this Michael Phelps kid. Grass appears to be a totally natural part of our culture. If it was good enough for your mother in the 60s, and probably your grandmother in the 80s, then it should be good enough for your 2008 national sports hero. Although contemporary opponents argue that the pot of the 60s wasn’t NEARLY as strong as the pot of the 21st century — but what exactly does that mean? If the pot of today is 20x more powerful as the pot of the 60s, does that mean that you would get 20x more stoned? Or does it mean that you are smoking 1/20 as much as you used to get achieve the equivalent amount of stonedation?
Athletes shouldn’t be our role models. I don’t want jocks teaching children about drugs, sex, alcohol and morality. The only thing I want a jock to teach a child is how to avoid crotch rot and athlete’s foot. But many of my peers across the nation disagree with me and think that athletes make for the best babysitters. Scientists would be a better choice for role models than athletes. And even scientists aren’t the best choice. Kids should have PARENTS as role models, because even SCIENTISTS are smoking weed. And if your scientists are smoking weed, you should probably ask them what’s so special about it, because maybe they’d have a scientific answer involving anthropology. Bruce Parry from the TV program “Going Tribal” knows what I’m talking about. He not only helps white-skinned people understand isolated, indigenous cultures, but he also convinces these cultures that he’s their child, he goes through their coming-of-age rituals and experiments with their psychopharmacopoeia. But for you to be so incredulous when a 20-something year-old America kid smokes pot to the extent that you plan to eviscerate him and strip him of the insane number of Olympic medals he’s achieved, is absolutely ridiculous. Mixed-martial-arts fighter Nick Diaz had to forfeit his loss to Takanori Gomi for his use of marijuana. I’m sorry, but marijuana can’t be considered a performance-enhancing drug unless you’re an artist, funk musician or comedian.