Tag Archive for asshole

Cunt


*I* don’t see what the problem is, but “cunt” is a word nobody in America wants you to use. But I LOVE the word! I think it’s a great serrated, vicious word and it has a very important place in my linguistic arsenal. I tend to use it whenever I need an eye-opening vulgarity. It’s the kind of word that smacks you right across the back of your head. But only if you live in America. People in England apparently use it with virtually no repercussion, “Oh go take a bloody barth, you soppy little cunt!” But in America “cunt” is equivalent to the N-word for women. If you call a woman a cunt, you’re Read more

Heterosexual Male Assplay Primer

Heterosexual Male Assplay Primer
By Russ Carney of America

 

If you are a sexually active heterosexual man, at some point in your life you will meet a nice young lady who will want to put something in your ass. Most often it’s a finger or two, but it’s quite possible that one day she’ll hint about experimenting with bubble plugs and strap-ons. Uh-whaaaaat?!

 

Unless you had cool parents who gave you “The Talk” about Heterosexual Assplay, you might have reservations about this sort of activity and you might wonder if letting your girlfriend put objects in your butt makes you instantly gay. While I have no first-hand experience, I can assure you, as a bona fide armchair academician, that the answer is NO, or, more honestly, the answer is MAYBE. But let’s not get so hung up on the pink area of maybe, I can help you to define the black and whiteness of Heterosexual Male Assplay. Firstly though I want to mention that Read more

Lion Balls and Anus

My gf and I took a trip to the San Diego Wild Animal park in January. She and I, along with a dozen or so innocent children nearby were gravely poisoned by this horrific display of a sleeping lion. Since I do not like to suffer alone, I will now force you to look at the balls and anus of the king of the jungle, or in this case, the king of the Land Rover. The queen of the Land Rover was nearby sleeping under a log, occasionally opening her eyes to express disdain that her slacker king was not resisting the temptation of shiftlessness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s some balls and anus, eh?

 

As a matter of public interest, if you search Google for “Lion Balls and Anus” (in quotations) this blog post is the ONLY result in the entire universe as of Feb 24 2009. But I’m sure it’s just a matter of time…

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Dear Simon

When I’ve been drinking late at night, maybe I shouldn’t check my work email. It’s probably not a good idea. In this case, the results are okay because Simon can’t hear me slur my speech in email. But I can totally see the potential for creating an uncomfortable situation, especially if I were to tell Tomassi how special he is and how much he means to me. [hiccup!]

 

From: Russ of America
Sent: Thu 2/28/2008 10:48 PM
To: Simon@RicohCopiers.com
Subject: RE: Copier 51007 – Aficio 1060

 

Simon, A gentleman’s letter:

 

When my friends are instructed to order copier supplies and the supplies don’t show up, it makes them look stupid and ineffectual in the eyes of their supervisors, who, in the grand tradition of corporate America, often assume the worst of their human endeavors. These are people that I genuinely like and it pains me to conceive of the possibility that that every few weeks these good people might be forced to endure an uncomfortable conversation with oft-times unreasonable Dilbert-esque superiors. If there is something inherent to the way Ricoh is structured such that it’s not capable of providing us with adequate service and supplies, such as being downsized to the point where they are bursting at the seams, and that it is not worth our effort to continue doing business with Ricoh, I wish that you would tell me frankly and honestly. The idea that we would seek a third-party vendor is unsavory to me because I want the best service possible and I regularly operate on the assumption that Ricoh knows Ricoh machines best, Xerox knows Xerox, Minolta knows Minolta, etc.

 

Thus far, our experience with Ricoh has been dismal and even the most convincingly earnest emails and phone calls from Ricoh reps don’t manifest the results we need. I don’t think that we’re asking for above-and-beyond service; We’re asking for satisfactory service. As a gentleman and a man of honor, what would you recommend that we do?

 

Respectfully,

 

Russ

 

From: Russ of America
Sent: Thursday, February 28, 2008 10:49 PM
To: Tomassi
Subject: FW: Copier 51007 – Aficio 1060

 

Hey Dilbert,

 

I’m sorry that The Boss is always coming down on you.

 

You are very special and you mean a lot to me.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Life’s Euphemisms Decoded

He’s indisposed = He’s taking a shit
Morning constitutional = morning shit
She’s an old soul = she’s cantankerous for her age
He’s got a big personality = he’s an asshole
She’s no longer with us = she got fired / she died

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America