Look at me! I’m hot shit. I’m in a Starbucks on my laptop, trying to look interesting. Hmm. Where’s my Bluetooth earpiece? I don’t think I’m looking quite douchy enough. I’ll put that in my ear so the flashing light draws attention to me. Also I’ll place my phone on the table so everyone can see it. It’s red. Should be easy to see. And I’ve set a countdown alarm to go off in 15 minutes. In exactly 14:52 everybody will look in my direction and I’ll be all like, “Oops, let me turn that off for you, sorry. Hahaha.” And then I’ll set it to go off again in 15 mins.
All out of coffee! I should create a spectacle about how I need more. “Man, I’m all out of coffee,” I say to the nice lady next to me. She smiles uncomfortably. “Guess I’d better get some more…” She knows that I’m right. The flashing light of the Bluetooth hypnotizes her. “Is the flashing light of my Bluetooth bothering you,” I ask politely. She shakes her head no. She’s not allowed to speak because then I’d have to pay her as an actor instead of as an extra. I think she’s lying anyway. The light on the Bluetooth is pretty bright. I swapped out the old light for a 5 watt Cree LED and upped the strobe rate to about 20-25 Hz. Aimed my ear right at her eye, too. Trying to invoke an epileptic fit. How ya like me now?!
A short and sweet refresher course for bike path patrons and specifically for dog owners:
1) The bike lane is for bicycles.
2) The pedestrian lane is for walking.
3) There is no dog shit lane.
Here are two of FOUR examples of dog shit I saw today just in the 1/2 mile between Hazeltine and Woodman:
People rarely get incensed by this sort of inconsiderate, selfish, rude, hazardous behavior unless they envision the elderly and children coming into contact with it. Fortunately for you, within 30 seconds of my decision to document another example of dog shit on the Orange Line, an elderly man pushing his grandchild in a stroller passed by me, directly in the path of the dog shit hazard. Are you incensed yet?
Don’t worry, since it was God’s will that these two creatures should be in the dog shit lane at the correct time for me to take the photo and thus make my point, His Greatness spared Grandpa and baby the indignity of stepping/rolling in dog shit. Here, look: (That’s grandpa and baby in the distance.)
What’s the solution? Signs? People don’t read signs.
Dog shit bags and trash cans? Yeah, like there’s any funding for that.
Ask the police to ticket these assholes? Perhaps, but how? Via surveillance helicopter? Undercover as fake pedestrians?
The only solution is that neighborhood mercenaries get together, hide in the sagebrush, leap out to boo the offenders and pelt them with rocks. Spare the dog, she probably hates her owner too. And please remember to pick up the rocks afterward.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
Extra special thanks to God for his contribution to this article.